I can not change who God is molding me to be. I rejected it and ran from his call more than I care to admit and now that I am finally ready to walk in Gods' truth, peace and unconditional love. I now must seek him wholeheartedly. I am not better than anyone else, just because I wear pearls on my head or dress up like I'm going to a military ball. Nope. I'm still the same Jalysa. That likes fried rice and watches dragonball Z. The only changes are the ones that God is making in me. He is cleaning me up for his glory and it is long overdue. Thank you Abba, Father for accepting me back into your grace.
First: All honor and glory go to GOD for using the Teel's to be a blessing to many lives, not just my own. I'm very thankful that GOD led Mr. and Mrs. Teel to start back bible studies.
The first women's bible study was more about addressing issues and learning about strongholds and how to get rid of them. It was more of a "girl chat" verses an actually bible study.
The one we had on Monday October 7th 2013 was more focused on God. We learned more about God. We learned more about his word. It was amazing. The presence of God was certainly there! It wasn't just a cry fest where we all come together and talk about our problems. No that's not what women's bible study should ever be about. But it was that we all were coming together, and encouraging one another in our individual walks with Christ.
Our relationship with Christ is the most important relationship that we can ever have.
SO here are the notes that I wrote down. I pray that they bless someone's life:
We talked about how Lucifer was Gods most beautiful angel before his fall. When Lucifer started to boast in his own glory and not give God the glory for making him beautiful, God kicked him out of Heaven... (summary not word for word).
Eek: 28:16
Affectation: Pretending. Behavior that is assumed rather than natural.
1. God never used talent to evangelize
2. God never promotes a person based on their talent
3. God never chose a person who was looking to be chosen.
Her name is Lyite and before I came to VA I knew that she and I would be good friends. She saw the anointing and light in me before anyone else did. She encouraged me to seek after God.
And even when I came here, and he, the man I love, released me to the vultures and lecherous beasts of the world without an explaination. God gave her the strength to nurse me back to life...
I could not speak. I knew that I had a spirit of depression on me was so strong. I was suffocating in my own pain, drowning in my own sorrow. God, sent her at just the right time. He is always on time and thank God for sending her to rescue me that night or else I would not be alive to tell this story. Yes, that's how strong it was... strong enough to make me forget all about loving Gods people. Strong enough to make me forget about everything...
I knew that she was tired of listening to me speak about why he broke up with me. I wanted answers. I knew she had them, but she wouldn't tell me. Why? Because there was no answer to give. She knew that there was no anwer that she could give to make me feel better again. So she sat and listened to me, over and over asking the same questions and crying over the same conclusions of: I don' t know. All over again.
When people first meet me, they are so exicted to be in my life. But, once they find out that I am not superwoman and that I carry human qualities then they start to judge and criticize my life. I bleed red blood just like you or anyone else for that matter.
Even when I had a spirit of haughtiness on me she still was patient and still showed love. There were multiple times when she could have turned her back on me. But even when I was at my lowest of lows she still gave me a hug and told me that she loved me.
The first youth explosion was the first event that she and I were together in. My soul was still heavy from greif of feeling abandoned and empty and alone. Like my bestfriend had died... but I still praised and prayed to God with what was left of my heart. I felt so bad that I could not give God all of my heart, but it was still broken at that time.
The pastor did an altar call and she and I both went up there together. I poured out my entire heart that night before the altar. So much pain, so much confusion. I wanted to lay there and die. I was so tempted, because I couldn't understand why a man would go through all of that trouble, come visit me and help me if he did not intend to stay in my life... make all these promises. Even introduce me to your family and then dump on the side of the road like I don't mean anything... Then the worst part is that I had to live with him for a short time after. I had to live with his cold shoulder, rolling eyes and immaturity. I had to live with him being indifferent to my life and treating me like a puppy. When I was out in the world, drinking and cursing he thought I was beautiful. Told me that I had to go to church every single day, stop drinking and stop cursing and now that I am finally more cleaned up and truly seeking after God, he doesn't want anything to do with my life?
No one will ever know... how painful that entire situation was. And yet, I heard everyone tell me "get over it" "move on" and it took every fiber of my being not to really go back to my old, old, old ways.
But, even when some were against me she still was patient with me. We prayed together. Then on my own I prayed just for her and her situation. And it did not surprise me that her situation got so much better and mine got so much worse.
That's how that works, when I pray for other people things happen quickly in their life and they get what they need and want.
Then her time with me became less and less and I was forced to rely more on my blogs to help me through the "uncomfortable" situation.
Then there came a point when even she got tired of my pain and she told me the very same things that everyone else against me had been saying, "just move on." So, how would you feel if you were in a state where the only person that you trusted and thought had your back treated you like crap and then cut you off from their life?
But people never truly care about what you are going through until they are going throug the exact same thing.
I accepted her words and I did not hold a grudge against her, because I knew that she was at a different place. That God had used her to be a comfort in my life and now he was moving her away.
And I cried so much, because I needed someone to understand my pain, my loneliness, my fear... but even in my pain I told God thank you for fixing her situation and put a smile back on her face.
I never met someone, other than my god family, and grandmother, who had the courage to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth about my eyes. Not attacking my character but attacking the spirit of my character.
There was a point where the 3 of us he, her and I hung out. And it was so awkward, because he acted like nothing happen and everyone was trying to act like he didn't just break up with me.
It pissed me off. So I made it worse on purpose. If I'm going to feel uncomfortable then we all are going to feel uncomfortable. It wasn't the best way to go about it... and I can not change the past. But I did apologize to her for my behavior that night.
The thing about it is, that she doesn't know me from two cans of paint. She watched one or two of my videos. Saw a couple of my pictures and instantly we were friends. But, we were closer friends when he and I were together. But, now that he decided that my life wasn't worth protecting it appears that her attention has falter somewhat too... not only becaus of that though, but also because she has a ministry that she has to get started. And she is doing more work for God and spending time with her "family." When I see her and her family together. I light up because it reminds me that prayers really do work. But, I admit that a little piece of me dies because I did all that praying only to end up alone. I shouldn't think that way, but that is always the pattern for some reason.
Every man I meet, promises that they can handle me. The only difference between this situation and the others is that he said he was a Christian. I never dated a Christian before. I don't know why I thought that dating a Christian would be any different. But now I know that Christian, atheist, buddist it doesn't matter all men who don't truly have confidence and trust in God are the same.
Anyway, I thank God for using her to nurse my spirit back to health. I also thank God that he gave her the strength to match me during the times when my flesh was wildly out of control.
I honestly, don't know why I'm still in VA but every time I try to leave something happens. So, I told myself that I would wait a week and see what God had in store. I really like the area. I really like souls4real. I really like New Beginnings Christian Church. But what I don't like, is living in the same town with the man that use to pray with me and encourage me to seek God, but now doesn't even care if I'm alive or dead...
It hurts, but God is taking care of it...
Who God is molding me into, even I can not understand. I need more of the word of God so that I can balance this passion and anointing.
There are some days when the anointing is so strong that it chokes me in the physical. I feel like I'm going crazy, seeing things that I'm not suppose to see to the "normal" world. Details. God has opened my eyes to notice details about people that no one else would ever notice and it scares me. Once I tap into that gift I can not get out of it and once I start seeing the details of how people really are it annoys me, because I can also see how they act to the world. It is almost like looking through the window into someone's heart.
I thank God that souls4real started their fall bible study because I need more of the word of God to balance me out. Recently I have been too much into to the "spirit" and not enough into the word and its causing me to be more aggressive than even I can handle. Yes, I was built for the strong but the power of the holy spirit is extremely powerful and if you are not ready to receive it, it could drive you crazy.
When I started this walk with Christ, I started on level 10 being most powerful. I was never aware of spirits before. I knew about angels and demons but I never really believed. Until I met prophetess who told me things about myself that no one else could ever know. Stuff that I don't write about. After I met her I continued to meet apostles, prophets, ministers, evangelists etc and my world was never the same.
I went from hanging out with pot heads and drinkers and party animals to hanging out with some of Gods most elite and skillful warriors. Aggressively Powerful. So naturally I was the weak link. I was always quiet. I never spoke up. I never said much fo anything.
But, the second I stepped into Virginia I knew that my world was going to change. I always knew that I was spiritually sensitive, but being here took that spiritual sensitivity like 5 notches up and if i don't learn how to control the energy flow it will drive me insane.
I can never understand how one day, someone tells you they love and care about you and the next day they want nothing to do with you. When they were going through the fire, I was stood by their side and prayed, encouraged, even gave them one of my contacts so that they could have a chance to have some real help because I knew that I could not help them in the best way.
But the point is I did not give up on them. After their unexpected event I could have left, and immediately dated someone else, but I'm not like that. I don't run when things get tough.
I take full responsibility for the things that I said and the things that I did that were not pleasant favorable in the eyes of GOD. But when I found that I did something wrong or hurt them I repented and then I apologized. I know that when you hurt someone, you essentially break a piece of Gods heart because a piece of God is in all his children. So that's why I had to repent, other than because I wanted to have my soul right with the Lord.
How can you promise to not leave my life, then turn around and poof, disappear? No goodbye. No explanation? and yet, you get upset when people treat you wrong. Like I said and I will say it again I'm NOT PERFECT, but I would never abandon someone when I know that they are going through the fire and need prayer.
How do you go from praying every single night with me, to teaching me scriptures, to a complete shut down? You prayed that God would turn me sweet, kind and humble. You prayed that God would help me get out of my bad situation and so you are mad that he used you to help me? And now that I am sweet, more kind and more humble you reject me? That's backwards! And its painful.
Ever since I stepped foot in Virginia all I have been doing is praying for God to open doors for you. All I have been doing is interceding on your behalf, no I wasn't perfect. The entire situation was new to me. I have never been in a situation like that before and yet while I was praying you were judging me the entire time when you should have been praying.
I was hurt that you broke up with me in the middle of my transition but I was more hurt that you did not keep your promise. You said that you would be my friend and support me, that you would not leave my side. And yet, as soon as things got rough, you bailed on me... When your car wouldn't start and your job was acting crazy, giving you the run around I sat there and encouraged you through the whole thing. I prayed with you. I prayed for you. I gave you a contact in the area that I thought could help you. I put you before myself and yet, all you could do was reject Gods love in me, give me the cold shoulder and roll your eyes every time I had something to say.
I don't wish you ill will still to this day, but you will reap what you sow. You don't treat people that way. You always don't play around with God. When things were going great and you were big ballin' you loved GOD, you were confident and trusted God. You told me that I needed to stop drinking and stop cursing. But as soon as you could no longer "big ball" and you no longer had the money all of your confidence and trust in GOD went out the window?
When you are going through the fire, that is when you should be the most confident and trusting in GOD! When you are going through the fire that is when you should be on your knees every single night praying and praising GOD! What happen to the man of God that met who promised my god sister that he would take care of me? What happen to that man? That's the man that I want to be friends. You don't make promises to a prophet and then turn around and not keep them. God will not honor that.
Yet, even though your behavior is unfavorable. Even though you broke up with me in the middle of one of the most critical transitions I have ever made. Even though you helped me with a frown on your face. You though you called me annoying, and gave me the cold shoulder and attacked the love of GOD in me. I'm still praying for you. Still praying that God will help you get on one accord with the plan that he has for your life, so that you can walk into your destiny and know your true purpose.
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