Reclaiming Of Life: "Get Your Happy"

I guess, wanting to live your own life and make choices that make you happy is what some would call: rebellion.

I spent too much time watching people who I looked up too and even considered to be friends, mentors and advisers make the same mistakes over and over. Yet, when I made a similar mistake they would tear me down and criticize me. So, I had to get tough. I accepted everything they said as truth. I didn't get any second opinions nor did I do any research on the topic. I just assumed that because they were in my life, they were older and had my life experience that they knew best. I also assumed that they had my best interest at heart...

But, then I started to notice something unusual...

Kings Don't Share Castles

When you are in college it makes sense to share an apartment with someone because you two are on the same page and trying to get your life in order. I can even understand being in master's school and sharing an apartment too. 

But, after you get out in the real world any real man who claims to be "grown" should pay all his own bills and be the king of his own castle. If they don't they are not a real man. They are not a king.

I Have the Power To Make Myself Happy What About You?

Often, times when people are insecure they reveal themselves to you in the most unpleasant of ways. People who have self esteem issues tend to say things like:

"You made me feel this way..."
"You did this to me..."

I can pin point people like that because I use to say those very same things when someone would do something that I did not like and or did something that "hurt" my feelings. 

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

The Empty Seat: Love, Faith, Truth

 

 

When you miss someone, you just miss them. There isn't anything you can do about this missing that person if they are ready to receive the love that God has placed inside of you to share, nor the changes that he has made in you.

The more you try to contact them. The more you push them away.

The more you try to understand why they aren't on one accord with the rest of the "team" the more hurt and confused you become.

So. I stopped trying to figure out the "why?" And I started putting my trust in God. Only. There is nothing on this earth that would bring me more joy, than 1. to have Jesus Christ return and 2. To have them back in my life, ready to walk in the truth of God and praise God, better than we did before.

But each walk with Christ is different. I feel as though God has advanced me to "level 5" and now, being here in this "spiritual bootcamp" I have to go back to level one and build the foundation with the word of God.

When I attend the G. Craig Lewis service Friday Decemeber 20th, 2013, I sat next to my "VA spiritual family" but to the left of me was an empty seat. Then there was an older black couple on the other side of that seat. In front of me were two of my favorite people. A couple. Both with smiles that can light up any room and hearts bigger than to sun full of the love of God. Then to the right of me was another couple. If ever I were to be adopted, I think they would adopt me because they are real like myself but they laugh and know how to have a good time as well. All the couples were so filled with joy from the holy spirit.
                                    
I prayed that God would show me that my prayers were being answered, but I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that came over me during that event.

I kept looking at that empty seat beside me thinking: "If only they were here. I know they would have a good time. I'm surrounded by all this love, the presence of the holy spirit is here, we have access to truth that we wouldnt' get anywhere else. Where are they? Why are they not apart of all the love and truth that God has given me the opportunity to be apart of. They have the same opportunity too..."

I never found any answers to all the questions I had that night, except for one about leading a ministry. What I found is that technically I can't or it is unwise to lead a ministry without a strong man of God in my life, be it my husband or dad to "protect me." After I found that out I was a little bit bummed out. So I have no choice but to need a man in my life, if I really want to be the leader in something. *sigh* Guess, I better ask God to clean me up so he can send my husband, soon. There are lives to be saved. And people out in the world who need to hear about the goodness and mercies of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ to restore hope to their lives.

"Get my house in order" that's what Papa Teel says. But, I can't do much without my other half, whoever that is suppose to be.

Prayer For Healing, Restoration: The Time to Love is Now

Dear Abba Father,

You gave me this wonderful gift to see the highest potential in a person, but I sometimes I get so excited that I scare people away with it.

I saw his highest potential the moment that I met him. I knew that you had called him to do, be apart of and see Great things. But, instead of being patient and allowing you to clean him up. I thought I could "help" you, by teaching him how to pray and praise you the way I did. In other words instead of just giving him the tools and telling him how to use them. I gave him the tools and told him how to use them the way I do. What works for me. Did not work for him. But, I was too selfish to see that. I thought I was "helping" when I was actually in your way.

So, I ask forgiveness. I apologize for getting in your way, while you were trying to teach him how to stand as the leader you called him to be. I'm sorry that I put him before you. I'm sorry that I put "us" before you.

I ask that you restore the friendship, relationship and love between us. That you saturate us in your Agape love. That you bring us together as friends for your glory. That you bring us back together fully confident, trusting in you and ready to encourage one another in our walks with Christ. Being lead by the spirit and not our flesh.

If there is anything in our hearts, minds, souls, or spirits' that is stopping us from loving one another with the love of Christ I ask that you remove it in the name of Jesus. If there is anything in and around our lives that is unholy, unrighteous or unclean please cut if off from us in the name of Jesus Christ.

You, Abba Father, are the only one that can heal and restore. You are the only one that can make all things new again. Thank you God for healing and restoring our friendship. For filling our souls with your Agape love, your patience, your kindness and gentleness toward one another.

We can not go back and undo what has already been done, but as long as we have breath in our bodies we still have the chance to love one another as Christ loves us.

We don't have time to stand divided that's why the enemy has so much control right now. We have to walk in your forgiveness, Abba Father and come together and show love to one another. We never know when you will call us home. We never know when our last breath on earth will be. So, I don't want to waste anymore time not loving them, not being their friend, not praying for and with them. They are the only one that, still is hesitate toward me, Abba Father and it breaks my heart because everyone else can see the changes that you are making in me. I have apologized over and over and you even gave me the courage to apologize to their face. Even though they apologize to me through a text message instead of to my face. I didn't make a big to do about it... I just wanted there to be peace between us.

I can not lie and say that I do not love them still, because I do, very much so. But more than that I miss us going to church together and i miss us talking about your word, sharing our reveleations and praying for and with one another. And that is what I want to get back to. Back to being on one accord with you, Abba Father, flowing in your perfect order and Will. Thank you God for restoring us, for your glory. All honor, praise and glory belong to you. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

GOD Have all of me: "Nothing without you"

God is cleaning me up so fast. It is overwhelming. Two months ago I had one foot in the door and one foot out and now I have both of my feet planted and rooted in the word of God. I get stronger every day.

I'm asking God to renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit daily. I'm asking him to help me adjust to this entire situation. 

I have never been faced with anything like this before and so, for me to have to deal with this away from home where all my original and strongest support is, is difficult. 

I didn't come to VA prepared for any of this. I thought, that I was going to get a job, work for a couple of months, save up money and then go back home, with him still in my life and still loving me.... 

Its not fair. 

Its wrong. 

Its cruel. 

Its hateful. 

Its horrible, that anyone would put someone that they love and care about through this. He didn't have to cut me off and disappear out of my life without even a goodbye or a see you later. Nothing. He just vanished... 

I don't talk about it with anyone because people won't understand they will just say "get over it..." the way they say about my mother being deceased.

I want to hate him, but I can't... because as soon as I start to get angry at him the holy spirit comes and convicts me and reminds of the love of GOD in me. But no matter how many times I ask GOD why did that have to happen right at that time... or why did he do that? I never get an answer....

But, what I can't understand is why did he break up with me when he knew that I needed him the most? Why did he choose to break up with me during one of the most critical points in my life? 

Who does that? Who stares you in the eyes and promises to stand by your side and then because they don't understand a situation or they see that God is cleaning you up, just get jealous or mad out of nowhere and abandon you? 

You don't treat people like that... 

I would never do that to him. I could have left several times while he was going through the fire but I decided to stick by his side because I know that is what I would have wanted him to do for me. But so much for caring and loving someone. So much for trying to be a "good friend." I did my part, but he stabbed me in the back.

Then turned around and took pictures smiling and laughing like it was all good and gravy. Do you not care that I need your friendship? Do you not care that you PROMISED to be my friend and support me? 

Even in my pain I still don't wish ill will on his life, but I do pray that God reflects this entire situation back into his face, spirit, and heart so he can see what he feels like to be/feel abandoned...

He knew that I didn't know anyone. He knew that I didn't have my foot good in the door yet, but because he saw God moving more quickly in my life than in his he got jealous. DUDE! I looked up to you! You inspired me to seek God even more than before. When I had one foot in the door and one foot in the church you wanted to be with me. But now that I am all on fire for GOD you don't even want to be my friend? 

Wow. What happen to the man that told me that I had to go to church every Sunday? What happen to the man that told me that "I am the head and not the tail." That prayed with me with almost every single night. That helped me stop drinking and cursing so much and "fed" me scriptures. Where is that man at? That man who put and kept GOD first?

I don't want to be friends with a fake, wannabe gangsta, thug, rapper whatever! That's not you. You are wise, humble, funny, kind, intelligent and strong. You treat people with respect and you care about other people. You want to help everyone and you get mad at yourself when you can't... God has called you to be so much more. 
But, you run from your calling because you don't want the "responsibility" and you don't feel like dealing with the "pressure!" DUDE! You are a man! God built you to endure it! Your souls' salvation is on the line and the more you sit on your praise for God and turn your back against him and act indifferent like you don't care...all of those things you will be held accountable for on the day of judgement. 

If your shoe was on my foot, I would be held accountable too! We all ARE going to be regardless! That's why I'm making such a big deal about us finally forgiving one another and moving on. We don't have time for this silent treatment game. Jesus Christ can come back at any time. WE need to make sure we have our souls' right with the, Lord before that time arrives.  

I know that you can go back to being the man who stared me in the eyes and asked me "DO YOU TRUST ME?" That's the friend I want in my life... The friend who kept God first and never let me forget it.  

If I didn't care I wouldn't be making such a fuss. I don't just drop kick people to the curb when I tell them I love them. That's cruel. You prayed that God would make me sweet, kind and meek and now that he has finally cleaned me up you don't want anything to do with me? how much sense does that make? 

You prayed that GOD would remove me from "your space" and then GOD opened the door for me to live in a nice big house and you got jealous and mad at me? DUDE! How much sense does that make? NONE! NONE! NONE!

Are you trying to tell me that all of that was a front to get me? Does your silence and absence in my life say that you lied about loving GOD? That you were faking the whole time????????????

Even if we weren't suppose together or are not suppose to be together right now or whatever, still keep in touch as my friend. You can be friends and talk to everyone else but you can't seem to find two minutes out of your day to text me or call me just to say hi?

How do you go from, I love you almost every single day to nothing at all. To no text. No calls. Nothing. 

But even though you did me dirty, I still pray for you. I still pray that God opens all the doors that he wants you to walk through. I pray that you are safe. Not being able to protect you, kills me, but I know that God can protect you far better than I ever could...

I don't hate you, I never could... I just wish I could apologize to your face and let you know how much I love you. Not with eyes of the flesh and not in a romantic way, but with the love of Jesus Christ that has grown so much in me since I first got here. 

I pray every day that you come back into my life and that we can forgive one another and be friends again. Friends that encourage one another in their walks with Christ. Come back, man of God. You are missed.

You Don't Give Up On People that You Claim To Care About: Promise to a woman of GOD

I can never understand how one day, someone tells you they love and care about you and the next day they want nothing to do with you. When they were going through the fire, I was stood by their side and prayed, encouraged, even gave them one of my contacts so that they could have a chance to have some real help because I knew that I could not help them in the best way.

But the point is I did not give up on them. After their unexpected event I could have left, and immediately dated someone else, but I'm not like that. I don't run when things get tough.

I take full responsibility for the things that I said and the things that I did that were not pleasant favorable in the eyes of GOD. But when I found that I did something wrong or hurt them I repented and then I apologized. I know that when you hurt someone, you essentially break a piece of Gods heart because a piece of God is in all his children. So that's why I had to repent, other than because I wanted to have my soul right with the Lord.

How can you promise to not leave my life, then turn around and poof, disappear? No goodbye. No explanation? and yet, you get upset when people treat you wrong. Like I said and I will say it again I'm NOT PERFECT, but I would never abandon someone when I know that they are going through the fire and need prayer.

How do you go from praying every single night with me, to teaching me scriptures, to a complete shut down? You prayed that God would turn me sweet, kind and humble. You prayed that God would help me get out of my bad situation and so you are mad that he used you to help me? And now that I am sweet, more kind and more humble you reject me? That's backwards! And its painful.

Ever since I stepped foot in Virginia all I have been doing is praying for God to open doors for you. All I have been doing is interceding on your behalf, no I wasn't perfect. The entire situation was new to me. I have never been in a situation like that before and yet while I was praying you were judging me the entire time when you should have been praying.

I was hurt that you broke up with me in the middle of my transition but I was more hurt that you did not keep your promise. You said that you would be my friend and support me, that you would not leave my side. And yet, as soon as things got rough, you bailed on me... When your car wouldn't start and your job was acting crazy, giving you the run around I sat there and encouraged you through the whole thing. I prayed with you. I prayed for you. I gave you a contact in the area that I thought could help you. I put you before myself and yet, all you could do was reject Gods love in me, give me the cold shoulder and roll your eyes every time I had something to say.

I don't wish you ill will still to this day, but you will reap what you sow. You don't treat people that way. You always don't play around with God. When things were going great and you were big ballin' you loved GOD, you were confident and trusted God. You told me that I needed to stop drinking and stop cursing. But as soon as you could no longer "big ball" and you no longer had the money all of your confidence and trust in GOD went out the window?

When you are going through the fire, that is when you should be the most confident and trusting in GOD! When you are going through the fire that is when you should be on your knees every single night praying and praising GOD! What happen to the man of God that met who promised my god sister that he would take care of me? What happen to that man? That's the man that I want to be friends. You don't make promises to a prophet and then turn around and not keep them. God will not honor that.


Yet, even though your behavior is unfavorable. Even though you broke up with me in the middle of one of the most critical transitions I have ever made. Even though you helped me with a frown on your face. You though you called me annoying, and gave me the cold shoulder and attacked the love of GOD in me. I'm still praying for you. Still praying that God will help you get on one accord with the plan that he has for your life, so that you can walk into your destiny and know your true purpose.

 

When God Sends My Husband: King meet Queen

I'm happy to have my own spot, where I can think and read the word of God. But it is lonely here. The only person that I trusted and thought had my back, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have very many friends here. I still need to get a car to drive, so I'm praying that God will bless me with one asap.

He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...

In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...

Huge, Gigantic, Dreams: The disconnect (Pray and Praise God through the fire)

I write because most of the time when I try to tell people how I feel they look at me strange, like I'm some kind of newly discovered creature ling, with ten eyes and three heads. I stopped trying to explain myself along time go not only because I was never good at public speaking enough to do it without looking like a fool, but also because most times I wasn't in the right spirit. 

Struggle Builds Strong Testimonies

I was starting to think that God was not hearing my prayers until one of my awesome guy friends, we will call him Mr. "J" sent me a text telling me that he met two awesome men of God. I had been praying that God would send him friends that were passionate about God the way he is and lo' and behold God answered that prayer.

When I pray for other people the prayer always gets answered. But when I pray for myself it either takes forever to get answered or it doesn't get answered at all.

I'm in an interesting transition and in this transition I'm starting to learn who my real friends are. It is so odd that a complete stranger appreciates me more than those who I have known for some time.

I can't help that I love people so passionately. That is just my way. But instead of people seeing the good in that, they take it and dirty up my gift to love by saying that I'm "needy" "possessive" "overwhelming" etc All of those speakings are of the devil. There can never be too much love. There barely is any now...

There can be too much care though, which I have recently pulled back on because the more I cared the more I got in the way of their spiritual growth. When I feel that my life is getting in the way of someone else's spiritual walk with Christ I will remove myself for a awhile...even if it hurts me. Because its selfish to block someone else's blessings because of any selfish desires that I may be feeling at the time (loneliness etc).

This life is changing rapidly

I don't have much time to be in this situation, because I feel like God is going to move me soon. Either into another living arrangement within NC or out of the state completely....

I really would like to have my own bed and my room to sleep in for a change. I have been sleeping on the couch for two years now. I thought that I would finally be able to get on my feet when I got my job as a hostess at this new restaurant that opened up down the street. But they didn't like quality... that's the problem around here. They don't like anything or anyone that reminds them that they can do better in life. People in NC are comfortable with floating just above average. They have little desire to strive for their absolute best. But, even if they manage to reach their full potential once in their life, they are too lazy to maintain it... its sad.

So much potential, gone to waste....every day.

I use to look at this stagnant position I'm in as something bad... and yes I do want to "fly away" from this place still. There is no denying that. But now, as I'm learning how to walk in Gods peace I look at everything bad or unpleasant that happens in my life as a stepping stone that will aid in building a strong testimony.

It seems like ever since I lost my mother, all I ever do is scream louder than the next person, cry harder, run faster, jump further just to get my little pinky toe in the door to success.

When it seems like others can just wake up and have everything handed to them. But even those people have a story too. We all do, that's why I like to get to know people for who they are... instead of for the mask that they display to the world.

My life isn't over. I still have a lot more work to do, but I know that I have to heal completely if I ever want to teach people how to walk in Gods love, truth and peace.

The Freakshow: Light Poison Beauty

You get to see who your real friends are, when shit hits the fan. When you are your lowest moments in life and need someone to be there for you. When you go to a friends house just to talk but you find that their door is closed. They aren't thinking about you...

That's another reason why I want to leave NC.

I have tried everything to get a job in this state and for someone reason people here just don't like quality. They would rather pay less for horrible work and have all the stress of having to go back and correct it... than to just pay me to come in and do a quality job and get the job done by its deadline.

I don't know why God has me hidden, but there must be a reason for it. I feel like I should be on a red carpet somewhere. I feel like I should be on runways in New York, Milan and Paris. I feel like I should be more than I'm doing now. Changing hearts and inspiring other people to seek Gods unconditional love. But God has me here...

I wish I knew why....

The only person that really interacts with my life is my grandmother and my god family. The rest of my family members all have their own lives to attend to. No can help me. I try to ask for help, but when I do they just "look" at me like there is something wrong with me.

The truth is that in spirituality I have surpassed all my family members and they can't believe that I changed so much. It makes it hard for them to adjust to the new me. I wish that I had a closer connection with them, so I wouldn't feel the need to seek other people to be apart of my family but I don't connect with them. I'm different. It is what it is.

I really need someone to help me get my life started. I really need someone who is patient and kind to help me understand this thing called: Life. I love my grandmother very much, but there are some new things in life that she just isn't "hip" on. I don't like to burden my god family with my trouble. They had enough trouble in their life from me, in just almost a year. I have changed so much since last may that it almost scares me. What it takes people years to learn I have learned in just a few months.

It is a very lonely life to be in my castle of excellence all alone. God gave me an intelligence that no man can match and the eyes of truth that no man can sneak away from. When people see me coming, they move out of way automatically and they make sure to avoid looking at my eyes.

I feel like a sideshow. I feel like I'm on a rare rose on display, in a glass case for all the world to see but for no one to get close to. Because my intelligence was given to be by God (light) and whenever people get close to me, my intelligence is the light that shines in the dark places of the hearts of men.

I already know what they are going to say/do before they even think it... not because I can read minds but because God gave me the gift of paying attention to detail and being strongly aware of body language. I don't walk around telling people all the gifts that God blessed me with though... because then they will really be afraid of me.

I wish there was one person on this planet who could understand me and appreciate me for who God made me and is still molding me to be.

Dating

 

A lot of men want sweet women. Right?

But when I'm sweet that's when they treat me like crap.

When I'm mean, that's when they like me best.

That's when they want to "chase after" me. Its something about the conquering a challenge that men just can't get over. That's why I don't date nice guys. Because they are too nice to stand up to my intelligence. Their feelings get hurt easy. And then when I am nice to them, they change into assholes.

 

That's why I have always said that there is no such thing as a "nice guy" they are just assholes that wear a smiling disguises until they don't get what they want or until they realize that keeping what they want will be a challenge. Then then that's when the asshole emerges.

 

 

 



 

I don't ask for much. Matter of fact right now I just wanted a male companion that I can talk to about all the chaos that runs through my mind. A male companion that I can crack jokes with... a bestfriend. But even that is hard to find. Because if my intelligence doesn't scare them away then my loving heart seems too...

 

 

I don't know why God made me so loving, yet no one appreciates it. 

Interview: The Last Handshake

They fill your head in college with a false anticipation and or hope that once you get your degree you are set. Oh! once you have your degree you can get a GOOD paying job (define good paying?) and then you can live the life you want. I bought into that dream too. But I bought into it because I wanted to learn.

 

I was a fish to a worm hook. I got my mouth caught on the hook because I was too ambitious. They sell you book smarts, but really all the things that teachers teach, you can LEARN for yourself. You just have to go to the library and look it up for yourself.

 

Sometimes I meet people who don't have any degree at all but they are the smartest, most wise of people that I know. They speak with confidence and eloquence and they always "keep it real." Whether it is nice or pretty truth. They make sure to share it. I respect that kind of life. A life of walking in truth.

 

Its always exciting when you have an interview. Your hope is always somewhat a little bit too high. You go in with a "positive" attitude. "I'm going to get this job!" "I will get this job!" "This job is mine!" You are speaking positive energy into the atmosphere. So you are ready set to go!

I even went to so far as to have my god mother pray with me. I went to the interview and everything went great. The interview was smooth. I prayed the entire time, fasted for as long as I could without passing out.

Then I got the email. Anticipating running high! Excitement! Did he pick me? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Then it reads something like: "Sorry, we didn't pick you. Good luck in your job search..."

Why didn't he pick me?

And that's the answer that you will never get. Even when you ask them they will still give you a bs answer that caters to them not feeling like the "bad guy."

I'm at a point in my life where I have followed the "rules" enough. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. I'm tired of reminding people that God made me the total package so let's make money off of me while I still have the looks and desire to do this...

But everyone around here just sits on their asses and wastes their life away. Waiting and hoping for a chance that will never arrive. I'm tired of waiting. So I'm going to make my own path.

I'm tired of being good, nice, kind, PATIENT, PATIENT and then nothing ever happens and then when it does happen something bad is always attached to it. So hell, if bad things are going to happen to me anyway might as well choose the ones that I want to walk in, you know?

I can't keep sitting in north Carolina wasting my life away. If I was married or had children that would be a different story. The worst part is that people here only support me half heartedly. They support the modeling side but not the scientist analyzer side. The side that I want people to most remember about me is the scientist side.

How can I be a more loving person if I feel trapped in this hell hole? If I'm always doing the same things. Seeing the same faces. Many of my friends had chances to have money, to travel to be in relationships longer than a year and half. The only living that I have done is partying and drinking etc I want to do have experiences that NO ONE else will have. I know that GOD is always with me and he is the only one that can come with me on this journey.

Some might say that it is selfish of me to just get up and leave, but then I say that it is selfish of them to want me to stay. "But you will get hurt?" "There is danger out there!" Well if I get hurt then guess it was in GODs will for me to get hurt. Well, if I DIE guess it was in Gods will for me to DIE.

I need to go to a place where my beauty is appreciated and not looked at as a sickness nor a deformity. Where people don't just stare at me and not speak. Where people actually appreciate having me around.

Transformation Purge: Heart of a Mad Scientist

I can't silence the "scientist" in me. I have tried many times. I always end up picking "her" back up.
I know that I could live a life without being analytical. But then I would be focused on being an entitled, spoiled, princess. That would only cause me more grief because I hate lying to myself and I hate being fake in my character.

If I don't like something/someone I just don't like them. If I play the princess role, I have to smile at people that I don't like. It is almost like having a hostess job (that's why its best to put distance between hostess positions).

I'm not someone that can hide my feelings easily. So, if something annoys me or bothers me it shows. Sometimes I express it (now, careful to express it out of love). Other times I just go away and write about it, because I don't want to be bothered with the drama that will pop up if I call them out on their bullshit.

I'm learning that not many people can take the truth, the way I'm starting to get better at doing. I'm also learning that even I have moments where the truth stings so bad, that I just have to runaway from it or sweep it under a rug. But, I'm learning not to do that. I'm learning to just face the pain.

Its like putting peroxide on an open wound. If you don't pour on the peroxide then the wound won't ever heal. So even though the liquid stings your flesh and brings you temporary pain, you still need that pain in order to heal.

That's the "trinity" aspect that I'm learning:

That even though we don't like pain, we still need pain to keep us humble and meek. Even though we don't like to hear truth, we still need truth to keep our egos from getting out of hand. If many had it their way they would rule the world. If everyone had their way and could rule the world then people still wouldn't be satisfied.

Why? Because someone would be jealous over how popular someone else was in ruling their portion of "the world" or jealous in the method that another person ruled the world. Humans are born to always want what someone else has. That is why we need Christ Jesus(Yeshua) to come into our lives and clean us up.

Thirsty Intellectuals: "Bible Thumper"

The worst thing for a guy is to be too eager when he meets me. It makes me want to run for the hills. I like for a man to have cool confidence, but I also need for him to be HONEST. That whole "put your best foot forward" is bullcrap and I no longer accept it. I use to "play the game." I use to let him blow my head up and compliment me to death, but I already know I'm beautiful so what's NEW in life?

I don't go out to the bars and clubs nearly as much as I use to, because I found that when you have a walk with Christ you can't go everywhere and do everything. Why? Because you are held to a higher standard. I am a QUEEN through Christ. I don't need to be associated with the peasants of the land. That may not sound "nice" but it is true. And those who I am calling "peasants" are not so because they are ugly or don't wear the "coolest" clothes. They are peasants because they allow mediocrity to hold them back from Greatness.

They live for the world and not for God. They praise other people and not GOD. They put their hope and trust into banks, stocks, cars, clothes, TV, movies, etc and not in GOD. Who do they think made the banks and stocks? God gave man the knowledge to create such systems. But man did not thank God for the knowledge because man got too use to receiving the praise from other people. Their pride started to grow and their egos started to swell... the fall of man will be due to pride among other things.

Diamond In Your Hand: See Me Through the Eyes of CHRIST

I am Love because the Love of God(YAHWEH) lives in me.

Scientist vs. Model

I think modeling is fun. A person can learn a lot from the experiences that you get through meeting people in the modeling industry. But, a lot of young women are so hungry for fame, money and power that they miss the life lessons entirely. Then you have people who seem to be created for the sole purpose of selling you a dream in a hand basket. They don't care if you really make it or not as long they look good trying to get you to the top or as long they get some kind of reward out of the deal.

 

 





The people on your "team" those who manager your career or have anything to do with making you money are suppose to have your best interest at heart. But a lot of times they get sidetracked and want to mold you into the image that they conjured up in their mind of how you should be, what you should look like, and essentially who you should be.

I'm blessed enough to not have to deal with any of that, but when I first started modeling I certainly felt that pull. I certainly fell that I was betraying who I was. I wasn't comfortable in my skin when I first started. They wanted me to just take a pill and "magically" wake up feeling sexy and confident and free from inhibitions. But, that was the "Paris Hilton" mentality that all the girls seemed to fall in at the time.

God had other plans for me.

And after I decided that modeling wasn't where my heart was, I chose to sing. I took voice lessons and that's where I started building my confidence to sing in front of people.

I now look at everything I do as a confidence builder.

Even though I think modeling is fun, I think I would much rather be a scientist. IF there was a way that I could combine being a model and a scientist then I would because that way I could have the best of both worlds.

 

 



In being a scientist I'm free to use the gift of intelligence that God gave me. No one can mask it, nor mold me to fit their thoughts, unlike in modeling where if you don't wear the designers clothes or you can't fit in them then either you don't get to be in the show or you don't get to wear their outfit and you miss being in the scene. There is too much demand in modeling. To look a certain way and or to act a certain way.

And honestly I just want to say FUCK IT! I act and do what I want. If you don't like it kiss my ass. But in the modeling world you can't do that. Because as a model you need people to like you, so they will want to work with you. That's another reason why being a scientist is more appealing. I don't need anyone to like me nor think I'm cool nor beautiful. Heck! they don't even have to think that I'm smart. As long as I have facts to back up what I state and or consistent patterns of truth. My theory is valid and it say the potential to stick in the hearts of the minds of all who read my material or redo my study.