Thursday, May 23, 2013

Transformation Purge: Heart of a Mad Scientist

I can't silence the "scientist" in me. I have tried many times. I always end up picking "her" back up.
I know that I could live a life without being analytical. But then I would be focused on being an entitled, spoiled, princess. That would only cause me more grief because I hate lying to myself and I hate being fake in my character.

If I don't like something/someone I just don't like them. If I play the princess role, I have to smile at people that I don't like. It is almost like having a hostess job (that's why its best to put distance between hostess positions).

I'm not someone that can hide my feelings easily. So, if something annoys me or bothers me it shows. Sometimes I express it (now, careful to express it out of love). Other times I just go away and write about it, because I don't want to be bothered with the drama that will pop up if I call them out on their bullshit.

I'm learning that not many people can take the truth, the way I'm starting to get better at doing. I'm also learning that even I have moments where the truth stings so bad, that I just have to runaway from it or sweep it under a rug. But, I'm learning not to do that. I'm learning to just face the pain.

Its like putting peroxide on an open wound. If you don't pour on the peroxide then the wound won't ever heal. So even though the liquid stings your flesh and brings you temporary pain, you still need that pain in order to heal.

That's the "trinity" aspect that I'm learning:

That even though we don't like pain, we still need pain to keep us humble and meek. Even though we don't like to hear truth, we still need truth to keep our egos from getting out of hand. If many had it their way they would rule the world. If everyone had their way and could rule the world then people still wouldn't be satisfied.

Why? Because someone would be jealous over how popular someone else was in ruling their portion of "the world" or jealous in the method that another person ruled the world. Humans are born to always want what someone else has. That is why we need Christ Jesus(Yeshua) to come into our lives and clean us up.
The Loveable Scientist
My sociology college professor never liked me much, because I was always that student that came in and was ready to challenge anyone (even her) on the lesson that was being taught that day. It didn't make it any better that I was also going through my "feminist" phase. I had been hurt so much from trying to understand the dating world. Boyfriend here. Boyfriend there. But they either left or cheated on me. My heart was pretty beat up, so I needed a "mask" to wear an alter ego to step into and that's when I emerged with: The Feminist. I did what I wanted. I said what I wanted. Every time a male classmate would say something wrong I would challenge him in front of the whole class. At first my teacher (before she got a boyfriend) was on my side. The second she got a boyfriend, she started to see my "anger" as annoying and tiresome. HELL! I was pissed off! Every guy I dated treated me like shit..... It didn't make it any better that somehow all the friends I had boyfriends/engaged/married. I started to think that there was something wrong with me. But the truth is there wasn't anything wrong with me, there was something wrong in the pattern of men I was choosing to date. 
But I didn't discover that until later....
I feel like God gave me this this intelligence as my protection. It keeps me safe from getting my heart broken. If I can always be objective and always see everything as a science experiment then I don't have to worry about what my heart needs. I'm too excited to learn about the next theory or pattern to listen to what my heart needs. But, even with all the intelligence and my castle in the sky. I can't get away from the fact that I'm still in this human form and that while I'm in this human form I need affection.
The thing about needing affection is that, in my opinion it makes you weak. For, me that is true. When I let the scientist in me take a break and I let my heart come out to play I'm opening up the door for me to have the chance to be hurt. There were a lot of times that I thought I could trust a guy(even as a friend) and they turned around and stabbed me in the back. My heart is child-like and it wants to love, and receive love. I tried to train my child-like heart to be realistic in love, so that when pain (disappointment, lies etc) came it would soften the blow. But it still greatly hurt me...
There was twice during college when I was engaged. He broke off the engagement because he said that he "didn't want a serious relationship" and that "he felt pressured..." "moving too fast... Every excuse but no truth. Then when we finally called it quits, a week later he was engaged to another woman and then a week or two after that they were married....  
I don't know if you ever heard of someone in their early twenties dying of a broken heart, but that was me in college. I died a few times. Not because I put all my hope and trust into them being perfect, but because I put my heart out there at all. I was kind. I was loving. I cared. I was affectionate. Patient. Slow to anger. Understanding. Meek. Humble

I played by their rules and I was submissive. But all they did was kick dirt in my face, and spit on my efforts. Then had the nerve to say that it was my fault that my heart was broken that I should not have loved them in the first place. That was their way of justifying being an asshole. At the time their reverse psychology worked on me because I wasn't able to self reflective as fast I can now. Now I'm a walking bullshit detector. When I see it or hear it, I call it out...
Most men don't like that about me, you know... the scientist in me. They say that I'm too aggressive. Too mean. Too high maintenance. But I have to protect my heart from being used and stepped on and that's the only way I know how. I was told that when I meet a man who loves me that I won't feel the need to challenge him or even put up a defense. That I can laugh, joke and be myself around him and he will accept me just the way I am... But more importantly I won't have to fight as hard to protect my heart anymore. Because he will step in and want to protect my heart for me.
I'm waiting for that day when I won't have to fight as much...
I'm waiting for that day when I can just relax in peace...
I'm waiting for the kisses on the forehead and nose....
I'm waiting for the day when I can finally rest inside of the arms of the man that loves me...
Really, all that aggression is just a defense. Its my force field that keeps lies and bullshit from penetrating my heart. I can't "die" again, because the next time I do, I really will die. That's how strong my heart loves. That's probably another reason why God is keeping me single.
Men don't understand the child-like heart in me. That loves even they don't love back. That gives even when they don't care about giving back. That's the part that I'm trying to protect. My heart loves unconditionally. A love that transcends over all things.
A love that never turns off.

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