Saturday, August 31, 2013

Rebuild me in your Humility, Father God: Youth Explosion! (Souls4Real)

I did not think that I was strong enough to start over on my own. Oh, but God is too awesome! I felt alone. I felt scared. I felt tired, but God wants me here. My task is not complete yet. There are still lessons that he needs me to learn. I am being rebuilt in humility. 

 I did not come expecting to be apart of one of the most powerful choirs I have ever experienced on my time on this earth. Nor did I expect to receive as much love as I have and am still receiving. 

I had to learn to be obedient to the will of God. I had to learn to submit my entire heart, mind, soul and body to God so that he could clean me up and use for his glory

Last night I went to a youth Christian conference. The anointing was so high. I walked into the church feeling heavy and tired and I left feeling free, peaceful, filled with love and the word of God. 

I had never been apart of a church choir where every member was on fire for Gods love! The other thing is that, there are young adults like myself who are passionate about following Christ, the way I am too!

The experience was one of healing and restoration and most of all peace. God wants me to walk in his love and in his peace. He needs me to learn how to do this quickly, because he is preparing me for something greater than myself. I can feel it. There is a shift in the atmosphere. 

I was so focused on what everyone else needed that I forgot to "take care" of myself. Not just the physical necesseities but more importantly with the spiritual. 

God opened the door for me to be here for a reason and right now I don't know exactly why, but I have to trust in God wholeheartedly. I can not waver in my faith.

Last night was the most fun since I have been here. I sang to my Father. I gave him all the glory and praise! I cried. I gave hugs. I sang my heart out. I danced! Then after it was all over. I ate pizza and chips with other followers of Christ. 

I want so much to share this fire with those that I love, but I know that I can not make someone else love and be passionate about the love of God in me, the way I am. They have to want to get closer to Gods love too, all on their own, not only so they can recognize it in others but also so they can be a blessing to many lives

I found what makes me happy. When I get to sing, and give all praise to God that's when I am most happy. When I get to talk about how awesome God is, that's when I smile the most. When I get to share the love of God in me with his children that's when joy overflows in my spirit. 

I'm happy with the church I attend, with the job at the school, with all the awesome and wonderful powerful followers of Christ I'm meeting. But most of all with all the love I'm receiving. Yes, it is true that I'm a handful at times. But God still sends people to love me through all of that. 

No, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I have my moments when my ego takes over. But, Oh! How awesome and mighty the love of God is.

I seal myself in the peace of God in the name of Jesus Christ. 
I walk in Gods peace in the name of Jesus Christ. 
I am consumed in Gods peace in the name of Jesus Christ. 
I am Love and Love is me, because Gods love lives in me. 


Thursday, August 29, 2013

Gladiator For Christ: Preparation for Greater

I feel like this whole situation is preparing me for something greater, yet I don't know what it could be. The truth is I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel as if my heart was protected. I was so tired of dating men who did me wrong, played my heart, stepped all over the love of God in me. That finally in mind I thought "Wow! A Christian man loves God so he will recognize the love of God in me and want to protect Gods love in me and keep me safe!" But.....that's the romantic in me talking. 

Naturally, I'm always the strong one, but this time God is showing me where my weaknesses are. I'm too trusting. I love too deeply too soon. Yes, it hurts. To know that the love you give is not returned in the same way. But God is greater than that hurt. And he can take that hurt and anything else, fix it, change it and turn it around for his glory!

 I have spent hours crying, talking, fussing, thinking about the "hows" and the "whys" and the "maybes" or "what ifs" and what I really need to do is just walk in the grace of God and trust in his reasoning and in his plan. I can feel the dagger, the knife, the sharp pain slice into my heart slowly. Twisting and turning as it plunges deeper into me. It is excruciating! Screaming! TORMENT! But it has to be done...

I can not avoid it. I have to learn how to endure it. So that the next time there is pain like this or even greater I will not die from it. The devil wants to take me out. Kill me. Destroy me. And I can not let that happen. I have to fight it and I have to fight with the word of God and prayer. I can not get lazy and I can not depend on others to help me fight. I must do this on my own...

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Unfavorable Situations: God Can Fix It All

God wants me to rise to my position of leadership, and although my heart is still broken by the events that have recently surfaced I know that God will fix it according to his order and will for my life.

Sometimes the truth is not always what we want to hear, but it is what is best for us. I honestly and firmly believe that God can not bless me fully and abundantly if I am attached to anything that is not fully focused on him.

When I date, I tell men that I am "different" not to be funny, cute or coy. I am spiritually sensitive to everything and around anyone that I meet. So hurts some, to a little degree. Hurts me on a colossal magnitude. When my heart breaks, it takes forever to heal.

Thus, I am asking God to work quickly in fully healing my heart.

Right now I need to find a room to rent so that I can stay in the area and work and save money. The goal is to save enough money to get on my feet so that I can help my grandmother get into a new apartment at least by December if not before then. My grandmother has worked so hard to take care of me. She deserves to live in comfort and in peace for the rest of her years. 

I learned to never be happy with anyone, but to carry your own happiness and joy of Christ on your own. Never share so much of yourself that you begin to lose and or change who you are.

For example: A lot of people tell me that I should not wear a lot of makeup or any at all. But I like wearing makeup because it is a way that I can express myself in the creative fashion.

I also like dressing up. IF you declare that you love, God and that you are a follower of Christ, you must not only walk, the walk and talk the talk but you also have to dress the part. God, gave me life. He gave me a supermodel like figure and I"m going show appreciation for the body that he gave me by looking nice daily.

I am back on the "market" and I am waiting for God to send my husband. I know that all struggle and the heartache that I am going through right now will just make me appreciate my husband that much more. Still, yet, I must be careful not to allow myself to get blinded by the idea of being in love. I must also keep God first, so that I can discern what my husband will need when the time comes.

The one thing that is constant and will be constant in my marriage is: Prayer. We will pray all the time, everyday, for whatever reason. I am getting stronger. I was not this strong in my walk with Christ when I was in NC. I spoke about my love of God, but now I am actually walking in my love of God.

And even though this situation that I'm in hurts me. Even though his indifference to my life brings tears to my face and a dagger to my heart I know that God will show up and show out on my behalf. Just as God gives, he can also take away. I still show love, no matter what. I have to constantly pray and ask God to fill me with his peace, patience and kindness. So that I do not say anything hateful. Granted there were times when I allowed my flesh to rise in despite of what I knew. I was so angry. But, immediately after I apologized.

The other thing is that I need to date a man who is on fire for the love of God. I need to be with a man that is strong and confident in God no matter what obstacle comes into his life. I'm a warrior for Gods love and I'm on the battlefield constantly. So, the man who I marry needs to be a warrior also. Ready to stomp out the devil at a seconds notice. Fearless.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Spiritual Journey Two: Home Away From Home

I'm a writer. When something is on my heart, it is on my heart heavy and I have to write in order to relieve my heart of that heaviness. I don't sugarcoat the truth for anyone and I don't expect people do that for me either. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Power From The Afflicated: Cry Your Heart Out To God

I'm not here to sugarcoat the truth and tie it in a pretty bow and feed it to you on a gold plate. This is a part of my testimony. It is the realest of the real. One of the most painful. But I'm not dead, so God still has work for me to do: 

This isn't the first time that a guy did this to me. The very first time everything was set in order for me to meet his mother and little sister. He came down to see me, so he could get approval from my grandmother. My grandmother told me not to go, but she gave her blessing anyway. Then I got to Florida and the ball was in his court. 

He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He would come home from long hours of work and just drink and then fall asleep. I would try to get up really early and make breakfast, get dolled up and look pretty. And he would just walk out the door without acknowledging my existence. I cried so hard. I cried myself to sleep often. I couldn't get home because I had used the last funds in my account to get a train ticket to go back with him. 

The strange thing was that on our way to Florida, it was perfect. Something straight out of fairy-tale. But, then when he got me to himself his true colors started to show. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to open the window and just let my body fall until all I could feel was the hard cement indent into my bones. But, instead I cried. I felt so alone. I was afraid. I was scared. What he told me was "I'm just not feeling it anymore..." All because he was still in love with his ex. He had been trying to win her back and even saw her and went on dates with her the whole time that I was staying with him. What was even more disrespectful he started talking to other women, and "going to work" for long periods of time, when he was really going on dates with other women. 

When he finally made up his mind to help me get back to NC. He said that he loved me and that we would stay in touch. But I knew that was a lie. Men always lie to me. That's why I don't think much of them in the first place. Its their indecisiveness that makes my blood boil. How dare you look me in the eyes and say that you love me and then turn around and distance yourself emotionally from me, when I need your support the most? But, this is the second time and the last time this will ever happen to me. God doesn't like ugly and last time I heard he wasn't doing so well. 

I try to tell the men that find interest in me to not break my heart, because when they do bad things always happen to them. My heart is not my own. It belongs to God all the way. So when you break my heart. You also break Gods heart too.

Men think I'm stupid, like I don't know what is REALLY going on. But, I have studied men long enough to know their behavior patterns. That's why I don't give men the time of day and even when I start dating again, I'm going to make sure that the next man I date is a man fully dedicated, committed, free from baggage, on fire, powerful man of God!    

Some would just say that I should get over the whole break up and move on with my life. Yet, how can I when I have to look at the face of the man who stabbed me in the heart every single day
 I lost weight since I have been here.
I'm not happy.
My heart is broken.
I feel out of place. 
I'm tired all the time.
I cry myself to sleep most nights.

If I would have known that he would even have the slightest doubt about being with me I never would have come here. 

Now, that I am here I am stuck because I don't know anyone and I don't have any trasportation to get around and even if I did I wouldn't really know where I was going.

I'm stuck in a new world, with my ex bf and half a heart to live off, but I'm making due because I'm leaning on Gods strength not my own.

I think I'm suppose to be here just to pray with him, encourage him until he gets on his feet again. And once he does, then I'm going to disappear. 

I don't go around telling people that I love them and that they want to be with someone and then break up with them right when things are at the roughest. I told him that I was a handful when he met me. But it was my stupid fault for not testing his spiritual strength. I was just so excited to have a boyfriend that was passionate about God like me, that I forgot about everything else. 

I could run to the arms of another man, it would be so much easier. I could just find a new boyfriend and pour all my love and attention into him and then I could move on. This situation would be a distant memory. But, I met a lot of people who are on fire for Gods love like me. Things seem to be flowing in order now

I miss the connection we had on that boyfriend and girlfriend level. The feeling of knowing that your man is going to protect you and do whatever he can to make you happy. 

I don't know how I am able to stay here and see his face every day, but when I said I loved him I meant every word. When I said that I would take a bullet for him, I meant that too. When I said that I would stay in the gap and intercede on his behalf I meant that as well. 

I don't love him with my own fleshly desires, I love him with the love of God in me. It is unconditional. Overflowing. Unstoppable. Powerful. 

Even while I'm here, I'm still praying that God will quickly place me in a position of stability. So that I can meet my husband one day soon. I'm ready to be a wife. I know it should be the one of the furthest things from my mind, but it is my hearts desire. 

He wants to be friends, but I can not accept that. How do you go from "baby" "honey" "sweetheart" to "hun" to nothing at all?
He is part of the reason why I probably won't date again. This situation is highly awkward and uncomfortable for me. And there isn't anything I can do. I just want to run away. I'm praying that God will open a door for me to escape. The people here are lovely. They all love God, but this situation makes not want to stay here. 

It hurts me that he doesn't want me. It hurts that he thinks of me as a friend when just last week, he saw me as more. It hurts that now, he can't even tell me that he loves me. But, God is going to fix it. And when I'm gone I'm not coming back. There will be a time when he will want to find me and I won't be around. But, all my hope and trust are in God. And I know that God will turn my pain and brokenness and use it for his glory!