Naturally, I'm always the strong one, but this time God is showing me where my weaknesses are. I'm too trusting. I love too deeply too soon. Yes, it hurts. To know that the love you give is not returned in the same way. But God is greater than that hurt. And he can take that hurt and anything else, fix it, change it and turn it around for his glory!
I have spent hours crying, talking, fussing, thinking about the "hows" and the "whys" and the "maybes" or "what ifs" and what I really need to do is just walk in the grace of God and trust in his reasoning and in his plan. I can feel the dagger, the knife, the sharp pain slice into my heart slowly. Twisting and turning as it plunges deeper into me. It is excruciating! Screaming! TORMENT! But it has to be done...
I can not avoid it. I have to learn how to endure it. So that the next time there is pain like this or even greater I will not die from it. The devil wants to take me out. Kill me. Destroy me. And I can not let that happen. I have to fight it and I have to fight with the word of God and prayer. I can not get lazy and I can not depend on others to help me fight. I must do this on my own...
This situation is like being at a camp for "Growing in Christ." This has been one of the most challenging spiritual experiences I have ever faced. But, I thank God that he has kept me this far. I thank God that he gave me the strength to get this far. I don't want to die here. I can't die here. I will not die here. I am stronger than this through Christ Jesus who loves me more than any man ever could. And I will fight this. Just like I got through any and all abusive relationships I was in, any and all back stabbing "friendships" I had. Any and all "unfavorable and disrespectful jobs" I had. I will get through this too.
And in a few months I will look back and say "I made it!" Thank you Father, God.
I am different. When I love. I love deep. And that connection also means that I am tied to the emotions of the person that I deeply love. So, if they hurt. I hurt too. I feel everything. Every pain. Every joy. Every uncertainty. I tried to cut this gift out of me during my teenage years, but it only increased. God meant for me to have it for a reason.
That is why to see, the man that I care for in pain is like a knife in my heart. When he is filled with joy. I feel peaceful. When he is not my mind instantly races to figure out why. Then to pray on it immediately.
This entire situation is so unique. I can not express it enough. The details of it will be shared in my face to face sharing of my testimony when God calls me to share it. But for now there will only be a summary here and there.
I can not undo, what has already been done but I can live my life to be a better woman of God. The goal is not to scare people away from the love of God, but it is to guide them to it. I knew who God was calling me to be long before I got into this situation. Yet, I thought I could balance both.
I should have stuck with my feminist decree. I made it for a reason so that my heart could never get broken again. But, I thought that if I gave enough love that Love would protect me. Yet, what I realized is that protection was not for me. It was for the other person. My heart is not my own. I do not get to choose who God lays on my heart strongly. Any attachments that I get to anyone is a sign that God wants me to minister to them, encourage them and or just protect his love in them. And that is all.
Yes, I want to be a wife and mother some day. But, right now God has called me to help raise an army of strong warriors for his kingdom by walking in love, sharing his love and protecting his children. Sometimes I do not want to do it, because I want love too. But, when I get that way I have to rebuke those feelings in the name of Jesus Christ and tell myself not to be selfish. It is not about me. It is about bringing out the love of God in all the people that God places in my path.
I like to cuddle. I like affection. I like to be held. I'm a loving person. I have so much love to give and when I don't have someone to love on I feel empty. But, even that has to be denied too. I knew this day would come. I actually had a dream about it but I decided to ignore it because I thought it would happen later after I had gotten on my feet. Which I would not have minded so much then. I don't know why God had this to happen now. But, I have to trust in Gods reasoning and timing just as I trust in his promises.
The Feminist through Christ Decree:
1. No attachments
(I can not get attached to anyone or anything, because God is always moving me. I Gods children with all my heart. But, if I get my heart too caught up then I will fail my mission. I have to be obedient to what God tells me to do. If he says protect. I protect. If he says to leave. I leave. Yes, I have loved strongly in the past for reasons that I could not understand and those people remembered the love and were changed by it. I'm a heart changer. But I have to be in the right spirit, prayed up or it won't work!)
2. Pray all the time
(Constant prayer is important I can not go a day without it. I can not put it to the side I must seek God constantly for guidance and direction)
3. Reading the word
(The word of the God has all the instructions. I must read it daily. So that my mind can be protected)
4. Stay around like minded loving and powerful followers of Christ
(As much as I want to go dancing at the club and go to the mall and be a normal "young woman" I know that I can't. I don't even talk about the same things that most of the women I use to call friends talk about nowadays. Why? Because I know that it is all a distraction from my walk with Christ. God is jealous and he wants me all to himself. He can't use me if my heart and mind are distracted with other things. That's why I'm asking God to heal me from this situation so that I won't be distracted with the pain of it anymore. And I can focus on just God).