Saturday, August 10, 2013

Somewhere I Belong: Truth, Beauty, Intelligence, Power

People have to know that I don't go around saying things that are not true. I tap into the gift of discernment on a regular basis, that's how I know, that I know, that I know. If, I tell you that you are a sweet person. It is because that is the type of spirit that you are projecting in that moment. It does not mean that you will always carry that type of spirit though. 

Some people get offended and say, "YOU Don't KNOW ME!!!" Screaming obscenities, tacky and ridiculous. I don't have to "know" anyone to know what kind of spirit is on them. But, you can only access that gift if you are in a connection with God. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Marriage In America: Someone Else's Prize

America is one of the leading countries with a high divorce rate according to this website right here:

Those results were calculated for 2011, but I'm sure not much has changed for the better since then. The divorce rate may have even gotten higher, due to all the other drama that the United States is facing at the current moment.

But I'm not here to write about politics. 

When I reflect on my past and remember the rules I set for myself about dating, one of those rules was never to date a guy who has been divorced, which is why oddly enough most of my guy friends are divorcees and they have thus stayed in the "friend zone."

Why did I make that rule?

Because I was running into the classic childish games that women play.

The ol' "let me check up on you and see how you are doing."

The ol' "He is the father of my baby (babys mama drama).

And a handful of other vindictive and childish games that women feel the need to play because they don't have anything better to do with their lives and or they still aren't over the "break up." 

I don't date men that have children because I know that there will always be babys mama's drama. I didn't date men who were divorced because I knew that deep down they would always compare me to their "first." And boy, if that doesn't ruin a romantic evening, I don't know what else can...

There you are sitting there, all googly eyed in your future husbands face and then all of a sudden he says something out of the way like "I wish you could cook like my ex wife" or "my ex wife use to do this" or "smile like that" or Blah blah blah 

I can talk about this now, because I am in a relationship and so reflecting on it doesn't hurt me the way it use to. 

But, it was like damn "when are you going to notice me?!" "when am I going to be good enough?"
So, what I realized is that any man who constantly talks about any ex, when there is notice that he likes you, is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone and your love and dedication and time won't change his heart from still wanting to be with a woman that he separated from. 

They call it "damaged goods..." and when I was going through my "man hating feminist" stage I saw it as that too. It was like "damn, even if I did want to be married to this guy I couldn't because any mention of marriage would make him run for the hills since he has already been down that road. Guess, I'll never get a chance to be a FIRST wife since the majority of men in America already had their first wives. And from their first wife, they were molded a certain way. Now, anytime you breathe, look at, say anything they will get paranoid and claim that you are "just like my ex wife." 

I did go through a few of those types, when I was in the dating world. But, I made a promise to myself that never again would I be compared to any other woman. Also, if I wasn't first, then I would be nothing at all. Many times, what would happen is that I would be the one to "rejuvenate" their spirit and help them find their self confidence, passions and love again. Then they would take the love I gave them and their new self confidence and go be with another woman that they barely knew or maybe they did know her, but she didn't love them the way I did. Yet, she was the one that got to be the wife. 

And I was the one left picking up the pieces. I think they call the type of woman that I was at the time a "fluffer." I guess, because that type of woman prepares the man for an awesome life, then he goes and shares his newfound awesomeness with someone else. 

I'm never amazed when ex boyfriend from my past come back and tell me that they married so and so. Why? Because as soon as a man's attention is off of you, there is ALWAYS another woman in the picture. As soon as a man starts to get distant, another woman mergers. People think that because I'm young I don't "Catch on" fast enough. But, they don't realize that I don't "Catch on" fast enough by their standards because I'm already built by God to be ten steps (if not more) ahead of theirs. So no I don't "catch on" because I'm already ahead. 

It use to frustrate me when my crushes would call me (because we were friends at that point) and tell me they were marrying so and so. And I would be so hurt, yet I would be forced to be happy for them even if I knew (through listening to the patterns in their conversations about their relationship) that their marriage would not work out. But, if you know that, do you tell your friend? Or do you keep quiet? 

As of right now, marriage has been heavily on my mind, among other things that are more in need. But, I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind if God has a husband for me too? 

Most of the women that my guy friends married I knew were no good for the moment they mentioned their names. I got so annoyed because even with my crushes I was like "dang! HEY! look at me! You talk to me every single day about your problems yet, you don't consider me as the "wifey." type?

I was always getting looked over. Forgotten. Placed to the back. But, that is pretty much the story of my life. I always get the raw cards and then people tell me to just "deal with it." Oh, sure! But I'm sure if you got the raw cards the crappy ones you wouldn't tell yourself to just "deal with it" right? 

So shut up! I was tired of being overlooked. But I feel the same way about motherhood too. Even those that an entirely different blog. But the snippet from that story is, its not fair that some women who don't even care about wanting to have children get to be mothers and those that actually want children either have to wait (biological clock ticking) or they don't get to experience motherhood at all....

Yet, the bottom line is I use to meet guys after the damage had been done. After the first wife stepped all over him, cheated, broke his heart, wasted his time etc And then, I "cleaned them up" only to have them walk away from me every time. And marry another woman. I was never good enough. There was always something that I wasn't doing right. I would have learned how to cook, wash, fold clothes. Anything that is expected of a traditional housewife, or from what is described in the bible I would have been. I would have done. But after the last time, when I had a chance to be a wife and a mother and he disappeared on me I went into "battle mode" and I didn't come out.... 

When am I going to be enough? I want to be the first wife And I want to be the first to have my husbands children. *sigh* But thank God for photography. I can never go wrong with that. 

As Long As You Are Happy: Spiritual Beatings (Real Love doesn't Quit)

I don't think God sent me here to be a famous superstar, despite what I post on my facebook. I have a strong feeling that God opened the door for me to be here so that I could a blessing to another family's life. 
My family really doesn't need me that much right now, anyway. My grandmother is taken care of. She has her little back. Food. A roof over of her head. It may not be her "dream" place but at least she has her independence. That is what she really wants to maintain. 

The aunt that I lived with for some years, finally has made peace with the choice her daughter made. My aunt is a grandmother. I don't think that she could be any happier, at this point in her life. I never seen my aunt have such a soft side. When I grew up with her she was straight military (considering she was in the navy for who knows how long lol). Also, the mother daughter bond that she has with her daughter is so much closer. That is another thing that I prayed for, for my aunts life, outside of peace in her heart mind soul and spirit. But, like I said God can clean up anyone for his glory....

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Larger Than Life: Fashion, Dreams, The runway

I made it to my destination safely. I feel like things are finally starting to get better and work in my favor. Yet, at the same time I still feel oddly trapped. 

Why? Because I know that God did not make me average. He created me to be seen and heard. He created me to be a leader. He created me to be "ruler over many things." 

I'm happy here because I feel more peaceful. I thought I would feel pressured into having to find some type of work but my boyfriends parents have been very understanding and very helpful. I thank God for them. 

There are not that many kind people left in the world. So, whenever I meet any people who don't mind helping me (without expecting anything in return) I know that they have the love of Jesus Christ in their hearts. 

I am oddly out of my comfort zone. I'm not like my boyfriends friends. They all really have the glow and love of Jesus Christ in their hearts and you can see it whenever they talk, sing, dance etc. I have to tap into mine, because what I desire far more outweighs the sweetness and kindness.

I tried to explain to my boyfriend that being "sweet and kind" is not really apart of who I grew up as. When you are use to "fighting the entire world" for a little bit of sanity, you tend to see being "sweet" as a weakness. When you are conditioned and being hated and your rejected for being nice, sweet and kind you kind of close up. Shut people out. Even the ones that really love and care about you. It is not that you choose to, but it is that you just don't know how to receive love from other people.

So that's my problem right now... I can give love all day, but I don't know how to receive it. I'm not very good at receiving it. 

Also, right now I'm going through a: POWER phase. What I really want to do is model and sing. God gave me this body so that I could model with it. He also gave me a voice that I can move mountains with. But the problem is I rarely get a chance to use my gifts. And the one or two times that I do, I don't get my full allotted time. 

So, I know what it is like to live a quiet humble life now. Now, I want to know what it is like to live a prosperous, financially blessed humble life. Where I don't have to worry about budgeting. Where I can bless other people with the blessings that God gave me (only if God tells me I should share though, because we aren't meant to share with everyone. Especially those who don't try to help themselves). 

I want to do be at the top. Run with the leaders of the pack. To have my voice/opinion count for something. I'm not happy being on the side lines, nor in the back or even worse forgotten all together. 

People tell me, "oh, you don't want to be rich, live a glamorous life..." oh yeah? But then they tell me stories of when they had lots of money and were living a life that was more than just comfortable. So, why can't I have a similar experience?

I do want to live a glamorous life. I want to be on every runway, red carpet, TV screen, magazine, commercial, internet blog, music video. I want people to tweet, fb, instagram etc about me. But I want it to be in a positive light. I want people to admire me. But most importantly to know who created me and where the gifts and talents came from: God

I wasn't made to be hidden. I like wearing heels because it immediately lets people know what I do. My boyfriend doesn't like me to wear heels because it makes me taller than him. But wearing heels is one thing that I'm not giving up. I like when people see me as a supermodel. I like when they ask me questions about how tall I am. A person can get addicted to the attention, but most importantly it gives me an opening to remind people of how awesome God is. And when God is your all and everything. You have unlimited power.