Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Larger Than Life: Fashion, Dreams, The runway

I made it to my destination safely. I feel like things are finally starting to get better and work in my favor. Yet, at the same time I still feel oddly trapped. 

Why? Because I know that God did not make me average. He created me to be seen and heard. He created me to be a leader. He created me to be "ruler over many things." 

I'm happy here because I feel more peaceful. I thought I would feel pressured into having to find some type of work but my boyfriends parents have been very understanding and very helpful. I thank God for them. 

There are not that many kind people left in the world. So, whenever I meet any people who don't mind helping me (without expecting anything in return) I know that they have the love of Jesus Christ in their hearts. 

I am oddly out of my comfort zone. I'm not like my boyfriends friends. They all really have the glow and love of Jesus Christ in their hearts and you can see it whenever they talk, sing, dance etc. I have to tap into mine, because what I desire far more outweighs the sweetness and kindness.

I tried to explain to my boyfriend that being "sweet and kind" is not really apart of who I grew up as. When you are use to "fighting the entire world" for a little bit of sanity, you tend to see being "sweet" as a weakness. When you are conditioned and being hated and your rejected for being nice, sweet and kind you kind of close up. Shut people out. Even the ones that really love and care about you. It is not that you choose to, but it is that you just don't know how to receive love from other people.

So that's my problem right now... I can give love all day, but I don't know how to receive it. I'm not very good at receiving it. 

Also, right now I'm going through a: POWER phase. What I really want to do is model and sing. God gave me this body so that I could model with it. He also gave me a voice that I can move mountains with. But the problem is I rarely get a chance to use my gifts. And the one or two times that I do, I don't get my full allotted time. 

So, I know what it is like to live a quiet humble life now. Now, I want to know what it is like to live a prosperous, financially blessed humble life. Where I don't have to worry about budgeting. Where I can bless other people with the blessings that God gave me (only if God tells me I should share though, because we aren't meant to share with everyone. Especially those who don't try to help themselves). 

I want to do be at the top. Run with the leaders of the pack. To have my voice/opinion count for something. I'm not happy being on the side lines, nor in the back or even worse forgotten all together. 

People tell me, "oh, you don't want to be rich, live a glamorous life..." oh yeah? But then they tell me stories of when they had lots of money and were living a life that was more than just comfortable. So, why can't I have a similar experience?

I do want to live a glamorous life. I want to be on every runway, red carpet, TV screen, magazine, commercial, internet blog, music video. I want people to tweet, fb, instagram etc about me. But I want it to be in a positive light. I want people to admire me. But most importantly to know who created me and where the gifts and talents came from: God

I wasn't made to be hidden. I like wearing heels because it immediately lets people know what I do. My boyfriend doesn't like me to wear heels because it makes me taller than him. But wearing heels is one thing that I'm not giving up. I like when people see me as a supermodel. I like when they ask me questions about how tall I am. A person can get addicted to the attention, but most importantly it gives me an opening to remind people of how awesome God is. And when God is your all and everything. You have unlimited power. 

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