I want to be with a man who, when I run to him because I need help he says, "baby I'll take care of it." I want my husband to be so rooted in God that the second I step into the room he can tell if I'm in the right spirit or not. I want to look into his eyes and see more than just lust. I see depth, passion, life, joy, hope, strength. When I'm in his arms I want to fall asleep knowing that I'm protected and safe. I want him to be thoughtful, have a heart of compassion for others. I want him to be romantic (not every day of course lol let's be realistic but during those moments when I'm feel particularly needy that's when he needs to come up with something creative to remind me that I'm loved.
It is very hard to have a life where you don't have any immediate family around you. And yes, there is the church family but at night they go home to their immediate families and I go home alone. Even, the lady I live with I'm very thankful for her life and for allowing me to stay here.
But I hear her children and grand daughter playing, laughing and talking throughout the house and it makes me sad a little bit in my spirit. That's the one thing that I have always wanted ever since I lost my mother was a family. My own family. I love to love Gods people and when I don't have anyone around to share all this love with, it makes me feel useless and disconnected from God.
Bible Study Reflection: Honesty is always pretty
I wanted so much for God to use me to teach his people how to love, that I became self righteous when he took me to the next level.
Bible study Monday night was intense. Thank God for bible study. For a chance to get it right before the day of judgement.
I noticed over the years that when men meet me, they are always so fascinated by how beautiful I am. The beauty is logged into their memory and that is all they can think about capturing. My heart is the last thing they have a desire to protect from the lecherous beasts and vultures in the world. Often times they become the very beasts that I have to fight against. They get so caught up in the beauty that they forget about the love of God in me... it makes me sad, but it is a reality that I can not deny.
God has given me the ability to notice patterns in great detail. My mind never shuts off. Even if I will it, it does not listen. My mind has a "mind" of its' own. I guess you could say.
So, men always start out very excited to talk to me. They want to tell me their whole life story. They want me to understand that they are different than all the rest of the guys and that their promises they will actually keep... but as time goes on, not even days later I start to see patterns of the past.
1. They start out excited, They send texts saying "good morning", how is your day? Real romantic stuff.
2. They make an effort
3. All in love, google eyed
Then they start to recognize who God has called me to be. And they either do one of two things:
1. They run because they are too weak to handle the strength of God in me.
2. They distance themselves emotionally. Less care and concern for my life. No more cute text messages, no more romantic stuff.
I attended a different church this morning. I was lead to attend a small church on the other side of town. The intimacy of it reminds me of reaping the harvest. I was welcomed, but I didn't really feel the presence of the holy spirit there until we started to pray.
I'm use to attending a church where I walk in and the anointing is so high that it immediately cleans up your spirit and the second you step into the door.
I don't know if I'm biased or if I'm just use to being around strong, highly anointed followers of Christ. Those who are met were kind but they were more of church for outreach, more than a church that teaches about the bible. Also, they are just kind of starting. I'm going to pray about it, of course and if God says so, then I will help out and start their praise and worship team.
I feel that God is calling me to do more than just praise him. I feel like I'm suppose to go out and talk about how awesome God is and how faithful and merciful God is. But, I'm not sure what direction he wants me to go in with this ministry.
So I'm praying on that too...
I'm also praying that God sets things in motions so that I can be married soon. I'm excited about becoming the wife to a wonderful strong man of faith. I wish my family in NC could share in this joy with me. I miss them very much, but I'm sure that he and I will get around to visiting NC soon.
I'm finally happy for the first time in awhile and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy. He respects the fact that I'm a writer. But most importantly he doesn't try to beat down my intelligence or belittle my passion for God. I was so tired of having to play the hush, hush game. Don't sing too loud. Don't praise God too loud or too much because you might offend or scare someone away...
IF my passion for GOD is that strong to scare someone away from going to church, then that means they were not truly sold out for Jesus in the first place. There should be no man nor woman that takes you away from your passion, praise and yearning for Gods' truth.
If I were out in the world, like in the old days all this struggle would not exist. I would have everything that I want and I would be spoiled. Men would flock to my feet and give me whatever I wanted. But, I don't CHOOSE to live my life that way. I want to leave a legacy of Greatness that reflects Gods' love, light and truth. I want something more than just superficial, temporary highs. I know that there is more. And God is the key to that something more...
