God has given me the ability to notice patterns in great detail. My mind never shuts off. Even if I will it, it does not listen. My mind has a "mind" of its' own. I guess you could say.
So, men always start out very excited to talk to me. They want to tell me their whole life story. They want me to understand that they are different than all the rest of the guys and that their promises they will actually keep... but as time goes on, not even days later I start to see patterns of the past.
1. They start out excited, They send texts saying "good morning", how is your day? Real romantic stuff.
2. They make an effort
3. All in love, google eyed
Then they start to recognize who God has called me to be. And they either do one of two things:
1. They run because they are too weak to handle the strength of God in me.
2. They distance themselves emotionally. Less care and concern for my life. No more cute text messages, no more romantic stuff.
Social Scientist disclosure: All of this is a reflection of the patterns that I have noticed in dating and relationship life. These patterns do not necessarily apply to the lives of those who have had similar experiences. What you go through is never exactly the same, there are always variations of similarities.
Men are always so quick to want to "play house" but when they realize that the role of the husband is a real fully functioning role that they have to participate in, then they don't want to play anymore. Oops too much responsibility! Says the so called man. "I don't want to play anymore. Time to run back to my video games, drugs, porn, sports, hanging out with my home boys etc" Anything, not to feel like they have to take on responsibility.
So I have concluded: If a male puffs his chest out demanding respect and declaring that he is a man, yet he does not have any TRUE responsibility. He is not a man. And even if you have a car, house, stable job, fancy clothes, all the friends in the world, bling bling, ching ching but you don't have a heart to share your blessings with other people or to give to someone else less fortunate than you. You still are not a man.
I told myself that there are two things that I will not tolerate in any man that I date:
1. A selfish heart
2. A coward
It always happens this way, so I can safely document this. The second I start being sweet, kind, nice etc is the second that they start to change. The moment I show them my sweet side is the moment that they start to pull away emotionally and that's the part that really hurts the most. I would rather have a guy just admit that he is too weak to handle me to my face and then go about his business, than to wait around for him to show more care toward my life...
That's why I try not to get too excited about anyone because I know that people change every single day. One day they want you and the next day just your smile can piss them off. So I stick with GOD because at least I know that no matter what changes I go through his love will never change and he will never belittle, nor step on, nor abandon me, no break his promises.
I have heard men tell me they love me in the past and then the very next day, they left my life. Poof! disappeared! Gone! That's why I'm in constant battle mode. I'd rather not get close to any man if he isn't going to be consistent with what he wants. You ask God to send you your blessing, then you reject it because it isn't perfect? Well, I guess if you were perfect you would have a perfect woman? Well I'm not perfect and neither are you. So I guess we will be imperfect together, learning and growing together. That's always an option....
Most people say that I shouldn't even be able to think this advanced. Its like I have the mind of an 80 year old trapped in the body of a 20 year old. God has advanced me far beyond even what I expected. I never thought I would come here to be closer to GOD. But this whole trip is about getting closer to GOD, honestly.
Things I never want to hear a man say or do without meaning it wholeheartedly...
I never want to hear a man tell me that he loves me, only to run away the next day from my life to go explore, even into the arms of another woman.
I never want to hear a man tell me that he is annoyed by the way God has cleaned me up to be. If striving to live a righteous and holy life is too much, then guess you aren't the one for me.
I never want to hear a man tell me that he is honest, then he turns around and lies about something petty.
I never want to hear a man make a promise that he know he can't keep, just because he wants to look like a "hero" in my eyes.
I do want:
HONESTY! HONESTY! HONESTY! HONESTY! HONESTY!
It is not always nice and pretty, but at least it keeps your spirit growing.
I do want:
COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION!
If you would just sit down and talk to me for five minutes I will answer all your questions and you will have complete clarity of the truth about any and all situations that we have encountered together.
I do want:
CONSISTENCY in LOVE!
No, I'm not always cute. I don't always say the right things. I was given a bold intelligence that could stomp out any mans' bold haughty ego. But, I choose to use the gift to encourage and share truth. If I did not care then I would not try as hard as I do, to make sure that you reach your highest potential and stay close to GOD, so that you can be used for his glory and receive all the blessings that he has promised you. I'm far from perfect, but I made up my mind to share the love of God in me because that's what will last long after I am dead in my grave and gone from this earth.