I still don't know why God has me in Woodbridge, Viriginia. I'm still baffled that out of all the places that he could have placed me, he decided to open the door for me to stay here. I'm not really sure what I'm suppose to do here to be honest and the less I know the more frustrated I become. I'm tired. I want to pack up my bags and throw in my towel and say "Forget it all!" I want to go back to what is comfortable...
But each time I'm about to throw it all away, the Lord sends someone to give me a "flesh check." I admit that I need it, but I don't always like it. Yet, how am I going to be the queen that God has called me to be if I am not listening to him when he speaks through his children?
Obedience, once again, is a must. And since I know this I will be held accountable if I do not obey.
I wanted a normal life. I thought would graduate high school. Go to college. Meet a successful man on wall street, get married, have babies and that would be my life. Oh! What a perfect great life...
But, I should have known that nothing in my life would ever be easy or a walk in the park when my mother passed away. That was my ticket into this: amusement park in the first place. And now I can't get out. Even if I wanted to go back out in the world, I couldn't because I know too much. I can't run. I can't hide. *sigh* It is all very frustrating...
I don't know why God picked me. I didn't sign up for any of this. But here I am and I am forcing myself to try and make the best of it. There have been so many times when the "unthinkable" crossed my mind... *sigh*
I feel like I'm trapped. Like I'm in a prison. Stuck in a cycle of neverending "can you give me a rides" and "I'll pay you back when I can..." I know that God will bless those who have helped me, been kind, given me advice, gave me a hug and or have been extremely patient with me during this process.
Yeah... that's what this is a process. A grooming process. Where God is cutting out all the things that are not holy, righteous and clean in his sight. It hurts! Its' uncomfortable! It makes me feel angry, tired, frustrated, annoyed! But, in my right thinking and spirit I know that it is good for me. I know that God loves me. I know that in the end it will be not only for my own good but also for the good of those that he has me helping to lead, with my husband one day.
I'm sad that none of the guys that I have dated thus far have been strong enough to stand beside me during this time. I could really use a friend right now. But, maybe God is cleaning them up too, and when the time is right, in the spirit God will send them back into my life. Two hurt people can't help nor encourage one another nor encourage anyone else for that matter. Hurt begets hurt.
It would be so much easier to run to another state and start all over. Dye my hair. Change my name. Put on an accent or even move out of the country (which I'm really considering actually because this is just ridiculous... lol). I want to go to a place where I can express myself in all and every way that is self respecting, through art, fashion, and singing. I see makeup and clothes as art. I see myself differently than most of the people around here. They just look a shirt and think, "Oh, its just a shirt." I look at a shirt and think it is a color from Gods' paint brush.
I know who am and whose I belong to. And when you know that and you walk in it and others don't it often brings up jealousy and miscommunication. "OH, she thinks she's better than everyone else..." No, I just know about me and if you seek God for yourself instead of worring about me then you will know who you are and whose you belong too.
But...
I have been on the spiritual battlefield for awhile now. And I admit that I'm not always as strong as I would like to think I am. There are days when I just want to crawl in a cave and tune everyone and everything out. Where I want to let go of all this passion and love for life. If my spirit ever gets that low, then I'm in trouble because that's when the spirit of suicide creeps. I know it, because I actually had that spirit on me a couple of times. It was like someone blew out the light in my soul. I was walking around like a zombie. I could feel the shift in my spirit. From loving people and wanting to be a better woman each day. To not caring about anything or anyone at all...
It is called emptiness and if you ever get that low in your life when you feel that way, you should find someone who is strong in their spirit and walk with Christ to pray with you. Its not a joke. Suicide is not a joke! It happens every single day. That's why we have to be mindful of our brothers and sisters through Christ. What they are going through. Yeah, I know. Sometimes when we get into arguments in that moment the only thing we want to do is "be right" and "win the fight" so we say whatever it is to make the other person bend to our will, but at the price of what? What really did we gain by making them bend to our will? No it is not worth it... Nope, it is just not worth it.
This rising to Queen status has been a challenge. I want so much to live a "normal" life, but God has not called me to be that. I notice that God has only sent me strong warriors for his love. The strongest of the strongest of his warriors to aid with me in battle.
People think that I'm "high and mighty" because I see myself as a Queen and even better yet conduct myself as one when I go out during the day. "Oh, what a snob!" I hear them say even if they think I'm not listening... I'm always listening.
But, I pay them no mind. I know how I am through Christ Jesus who loved me first before any man ever knew what love really was. And with that said I have to walk in being a Queen through Christ or else all the work that I have done, training and preparation for the position as a Queen through Christ would have been for nothing. I know that God wants me to lead his people one day. I just don't know the time, the day or even the moment as of yet.
With that said, God is steadily sending me counselors to aid me in this process and to keep me focused in the right direction...
I have a friend named, let's call her Ms. L and she loves me very much. Prior to coming to Virginia my god family showed me what "real love" is daily but I never caught on to it because I was not use to it. I had only had them in my life for two years and already in two years they had done more for me than many of the family and friends that I knew since I was a little girl.
They "took me in" and nursed me back to health and I thank God for them even today and even days after this day. I was on the verge of "death" and God sent them to step in and protect me until I was able to stand on my own again.
And that is the same way that it is with this young lady. She is very patient with me. She does not even know me that well. I have only known her for about 5 months and in that 5 months she has been the most supportive and understanding. Whenever I get into my flesh and start acting out, she steps in to remind me of who God created me to be.
FYI: I don't make a habit of listening to just anyone, mind you. Matter of fact in the past if a chick tried to "preach" to me I would have gotten ugly... REAL beastly.
But, that's why God is so awesome. He didn't send just anyone to be my "battle buddy" he sent one of his strongest warriors, because he knew that, that is what it would take to get me to listen.
The deal is that Ms. L doesn't play that making excuses game. Oh, no honey! Better not come at her with excuses for why this or why that, she will tell you to "take responsibility..." At first I was like, who "dis chick be!" haha but then the more I went to church (which the church I attend is off the CHAIN! Its great!) and the more I went to bible study the more I realized who God had sent her in my life to be.
I don't generally "connect" with a lot of people. But she and I instantly just got along, as if we had always been long term friends. The thing is that when I am around her our roles switch. Most of the time she is the outspoken one and i'm the quiet and reserved one. She is so full of life there is no way that you can't love her and the other thing is that she is very forgiving.
When I first got to Virginia I was all up in my flesh! OH NO! And she and I disagreed quite about bit, but that was because I was hurt. My relationship was falling apart, I could find a job fast enough, I was running out of money...yeah, it was a mess. But through it all she stuck by me. She kept telling me about GOD, reminding me about his love and at the time all I wanted to do was just go hide in a cave and die (honestly, no exaggeration). But she encouraged me to keep fighting. God didn't give up on me, so I shouldn't give up on God. Type of thing.
A few main things that a lady should ask herself before she even thinks about praying to ask God if he is "the one" or not:
1. What is his relationship with God like? Does he even have a relationship with God? Does he put and keep God first in every decision that he makes?
2. How does he treat his mother? What is his relationship with his mother like? Does he respect her? What does he say about her when he is around her and what does he say when he is not around her?
3. What is attitude toward life like? Is he always looking at all the negative things in life? Does he complain when things don't go his way? Or does he pray and trust that God will fix it?
4. Is he standing as a leader? Is he kingdom minded? Does he love God? Does he seek to sow seeds of kindness and love wherever he goes? Is he committed, consistent, constant to(in) his walk with Christ?
Why would God send me a king through Christ if I'm not even walking in the position that he (A Queen through Christ) has called me to rise to many months ago?
I can't ask my husband to be all the things that I'm not. If I want him to be a strong leader then I have to be a strong leader to. Naturally some situations are debateable but for general purposes that's how it is.
I attend a women's leadership conference, entitled: Arise. And I learned a lot from other Christian women who were both single and married. It was so nice to see so many young married Christian women. It gave me hope, that God has someone out there for me too.
But then I started thinking... I keep saying that I want the "perfect man..." but am I the "perfect woman" that he is looking for? I had to get really, real with myself about answering that question, which wasn't impossible to do.
When came to the realization of my answer I realized that in my life I had made a lot of mistakes for why I wasn't getting things done, blaming other people for this and for that. When the truth of the situation was simple: It all has to do with me. Yes, people can play a role in situations, but how I reacted to those situations, what I said, what I did, the thoughts that popped into my mind played the biggest role.
Yes, my thoughts and how I reacted to those situations played the greatest roles. If I would have approached the situations with patience, the love of Christ in my heart then many of the pains that I went through more than likely could have been avoided.
If I would have taken the time to pray more and worry less. Then right now the person I love and care about the most would probably be a speaking terms. But, in my flesh I got mad. I was selfish. I wanted things "my way or the highway." I had a bad attidue and looked at the negative in everything. Always stressing. Always worrying. Have little next to no faith in God.
Why would any man want to marry that? A worrier. A nagger. A doubter? The answer is they wouldn't. If I am to be a good wife. An excellent helpmate. I have to walk in the love, peace and truth of God daily. Not just on the days when he makes me feel loved and "special." I have to put and keep God first no matter what situations that my husband and I go through. I have to put all my faith, truth, hope and confidence in God leaning on his word; continuing to be an example of the love of God so just in case my husband is not at his best and having an off day, he can look at me and be inspired, encouraged to keep fighting against the negative.
This world is hard enough, why make it more difficult by being selfish and mean?
The truth is, that all the things that I am fully aware of now. I was vaguely famililar with. Like I saw the movie title but I did not see the preview type of deal. So, i knew that I should be sweet, nice, king and show love. But I did not know how to walk in it properly. And when I tried to do it on my own I failed miserably. What was I missing?
Answer: The word of GOD.
It is easy to say that you love someone, but DO YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE the way the bible (the way GOD) says you should love someone?
Do you get upset and cut them out of your life when they say something you don't like?
If you do that's not showing love. And when I thought about that, I was like "wow! That's really opposite of how God says to love...."
Do you throw a tantrum whenever someone doesn't do what you say, when you want?
If you do that's not showing love either.
Do you talk about someone's behavior during one of their off days and blog it to the whole wide world, because you don't understand the situation and you are mad at them?
If you do (and I'm guilty of doing that, had to repent and apologize asap!) then that's not showing love.
God would never blog about all the mistakes that I did and all the times that I wasn't at my very best. I choose to write about those times because my life is a testimony and every major life change that I go through I want people to see what God taught, how God changed me and how he (God) worked it all out... In other words all the glory goes back to GOD!
But, God does not favor that type of behavior. And when I realized that I did those things I had to repent immediately and apologize. Then I had to change the way I think about writing. Writing should never be a tool to cut down or destroy someone else. It should be used to encourage, support and uplift someone else at all times.
So I had to get really serious about changing. And it started with asked God to "Renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit."
In the past I would ask God to do that, but I did not fully believe that he would. So, I rebuked the doubt, fear and uncertainty and I jumped head first into the pool of Gods' promises.
I want to be the most loving, caring, supportive, dedicated, kind, gentle, meek, patient, wise, humble wife that my husband will ever be married to. I want him to see the light and love of God shine through me every day no matter what situation that life throws my way. I want him to look at me and when he feels weak, know that he can come to me and I will help him (because I'm his helpmate), through prayer, reading the word (scriptures) find God in order for him to get back to being strong in the Lord again.
I want to be so rooted in the word of God, that God will fill me with the wisdom, strength, and love to help my husband deal with any and all situations that he life may throw at him.
I want to be supportive. But most of all I want to love my husband. I us to put, keep and love God with all our heart(s) together. I want us to pray, read the bible, go to bible study, be active members in church, minister, stand as leaders, teach and share the love of God together... with those who need it the most.
But before any of that can happen I have to allow God to get me straight and in order and focused. So when God sends my husband I will already be prepared. And he and I won't have to waste time having God to do too much "clean up" in our lives. And we can get started, together, on teaching and preaching the gospels all over the world (if that is what God leads us to do).
It is not impossible, because I have God on my side. And all things are possible with God on my team.
