Friday, November 29, 2013

Vengence Is Mine, saith the Lord

I'm still in shock at the events that have taken place so far.

I can't believe that I'm stuck in Woodbridge, Virginia. But, beyond that I still can't believe that he broke up with me at one of the most critical points in my life. Even now, he knows that I am away from my family and my loved ones and yet, he still hasn't reached out to say anything.

I'm not even upset or angry anymore about the whole thing. I'm just in disbelief. Like, how could you treat a person like that? No matter how horrible acting someone was to me, I still wouldn't boot them to the curb knowing that they didn't have any family around to support them.

How could he just give up on me when I needed his support the most? He wouldn't want someone to do that to him. No one should be treated that way.

I can't believe that I'm stuck out here with no family, in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a car to get anywhere with, I'm running out of food and I still have yet to receive my winter clothes. Job opportunities are flooding my inbox but because they are all in Arlington, Maryland, DC etc I can't get to them. I'm running out of money on my metro-card and my entire life is falling apart...

And the person who brought here and promised to stand by my side through all of this, well... he doesn't care that I'm sad, hurting, lonely, missing my family. wow... I can't believe this! And the worst part is NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING TO DEFEND ME! They smile in my face on a regular basis, they say how much they love JESUS and GOD, SO if they are so filled with the love of Jesus then why doesn't someone say something to him. They know this situation is MESSED UP! They wouldn't want to be in anything like this! But of course, people don't start caring until it happens to them. I like to see the good in everyone, but even Christians can be selfish.

Wow, I can't wait until I get out of this situation.

That's all I'm praying for. Because I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. Yes, I thank God for his life and for using him to ignite passion in my spirit and soul to get into the word. Yes, I thank God that he used him to get me on the right track to living a righteous life, to being move loving, praying more, leaning on God more. He was the one that brought me to his church in the first place. Told me that I would go to church every single Sunday and while we were together that is exactly what we did.

But, I'm disappointed at how we both allowed our flesh, other people and the devil separate what God put together. We were suppose to praise him while we were together! Thanking God for one another and for every opportunity to excel in life. And we got distracted from the purpose.

It is cruel to live in the same town, go to the same bible study, the same church, know the same people and not have him speak to me. Not a "hi!" Not a "hey! are you okay?" Nothing. Who treats people like that? How does a person claim to love God and then they treat someone indifferently? I reflected on how I acted. It was not godly. But, I repented. And even asked God to give me the courage to apologize to his face. I did. And I thought I would receive the same in return but....yeah.

So, all of those who say "make sure you point the finger at yourself" YOU ARE TOO LATE! I already have.

But, I do know one thing. That God doesn't like ugly. I know because in previous years when I mistreated someone that God placed in my life to love me, not long after bad things started to happen. I couldnt' find a job. My car started acting up. All kinds of drama that I could have avoided if I would have just knew how to rebuke my flesh and walk in love!

No, I don't wish for ill-will on anyone. Those are just examples. But, we reap what we sow. I know both ends of that too.

But, not to put all the blame on him it is my fault too. I read the word, but I was not active in walking in it. I got too excited and moved before Gods' timing.

But, I know that even though he abandon me during this transition that GOD is greater than all of this. And, all I have to do is wait on the Lord to deliver me from this. Forgiveness, is easy that's why I can write about this without a lot profanity and hate behind my words.

I was created to write. I don't run, nor hide, now cower from the truth of what I did and how they reacted to what I did. I admit that I messed up, but I sought forgiveness to his face. And he has yet to do that in my direction. I hope he doesn't think that a text message is a good way to apologize to someone. Because that is just as worse, as if he hadn't said it at all.

So, I'm praying, that we will get past all of this. Forgive one another wholeheartedly. Walk in a unified peace and receive the blessings that God has been waiting to give us, since we were separated. Glory be to GOD!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Child-like Heart Return

God is still cleaning me up, but the changes he has made in me since I have been here so far, are incredible. In order for those changes to be made, he had to strip me of everything that made me glorify my ego and not him (God).

The man I love
(I spent too much time wrapped up in his world and not enough time wrapped up into the word of God. I wanted so much to use my life to protect his life only but God was telling me that I was created to protect, inspire, encourage many lives. When things did not move along fast enough for me I became impatient and my flesh started to control my soul and spirit. Then I loss sight of the purpose. To comfort, love and protect the love of God in him. I failed my task and perhaps me being stuck here is part of that punishment for failing or maybe it is like the "waiting room" in a hospitial. Either way despite all that has happen I still pray for him to have full confidence and trust in God the way he did when I first met him. He doesn't know it and maybe he never will but his passion for God stirred in me a passion to seek God too. And other than him sharing the love of God in him with me, protecting the love of God in me, his passion for God was a gift that helped me find God so that my child-like heart could return)

My modeling opportunities

Opportunities for jobs in high places

He wants me to be humble, to go back to who I use to be. I guess, apparently being "too giving" "too loving" "too kind" was what pleased God, but when I started to see the selfish behind man I became bitter and that's when a spirit of rebellion came over me and I started to fight for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't fighting to defend the love of God, I was fighting to tear men down. To step all over their hearts the way they did mine. I wanted to revenge. I was angry. But the truth is, that in being that way I ended up hurting myself a lot more. Because I knew better (many of them did too...) and I cared more about love than anything else. It wasn't in my character to be that way and it broke the heart of my child like spirit.

I told myself that I was protecting my heart, which I forced myself to believe. But my intelligence isn't strong enough to protect my child like heart only God can.

I know this entire journey is about God. The faster I figure out what God wants me to do here then the quicker I can go home. I don't like being stuck in a new place where I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers to get me to where I need to go or help me out. But, that's where God has me. The more I complain about it, the worse it gets. So. I stopped complaining.

I also noticed that God placed me around Christian women, many of them are in relationships. And boy! does it suck to be single when I'm around married and relationship folk! Like dang! wish things would have worked out for me! But, to God be the glory! I know that better is on the way. Who is has for me will match me like a glove to a hand and more than that I won't have to ask him to teach him about spiritual warfare or ask him to grow a backbone, or to stand up and be a man. He will be and do these things automatically because he knows who he is through Christ and who he belongs to: God.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Building The Ministry

God is everywhere. So pray anywhere. It is one of the most truest statments (if I have it correctly lol) that one could hear. Let, me say this now and get this out of the way though: I AM NOT A PERFECT PERSON. I AM CONSTANTLY LEARNING SOMETHING NEW ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS.

Tonight was my first information session for the business that I have been blessed enough to start. I'm learning a lot. The presence of God was certainly in the atmosphere.

I actually found myself nervous, uncomfortable and even a little bit scared! Why? Because all those people were so confident in who they were and in and in God. And for once in my life, I felt like I had reverted back to the first days of pre-k where you walk into a strange knew classroom and you are looking for the first happy and friendly face you see, so you can sit next to them. Thank God that I had people there that I already knew, because if I would have had to go alone I probably would not have went.

The other revelation that came to me is that as building the "business" is much like building the ministry. See, I keep getting distracted by all the things that essentially don't matter. It doesn't matter what hairstyle I wear today, it doesn't matter that I have to wear the same high heels because 1. my boots are in NC and 2. I haven't bought any new ones. It doesn't matter what she and he said about me because I posted something online that they did not agree with. GET OVER IT! We are not always going to agree. Also, if my page offends you that much, then delete me. God will send more friends in my life. A lot more. I'm not worried about that, anymore.

But, when I stepped back from all the things that I was so focused on I realized that none of it led back to God. I spent hours trying to figure things out that were beyond my understand.

The behavior of people: Is not meant to be understood. A lot of people try to give a physcial reason for why so and so acted that way. When the only explanation can only be explained in the spiritual. But, if you tell a scientist that (and yes, I do have a tendecy to revert back to that I think that is the part that God wants to cut off from me, because it makes me arrogant and a "know at" they will argue with you until the cows turn blue. haha

The whole point of me being here is so that I can learn how to build my ministry. Ever since I came here all I have been doing is "taking classes" to grow me closer to GOD and help me learn lessons in "humility" and "patience." How will people ever want to seek God, if they don't see any of the fruit of his spirit reflected in me? Feel me...

So, I have to go through the "crushing" because the way I was, was pushing people away from Christ. I was missing the whole point. The whole point is not for me to be seen or heard. It for the love, light and beauty of GOD to be seen through me and for him (GOD) to speak through me.

It "feels" like a lot of responsibility and it is, because when God sends me people that he wants me to minister to I have to obey or I'm going to be held accountable. Not only that, I feel loved and special that God would even pick me to share his love with his people. There are a lot of people that applied for the job or that are more qualified than I am, but out of many he chose a few and I am one of the few. It is an honor, and that's the way I have to start always looking at it. Even when I'm going through the fire


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Fill My Cup with Love: Take The Bullet For You

I tried to love them the best way i knew how. I came here seeking fun. I came here thinking that I would "big ball." I thought we would be a "bonnie and clyde." Tag team duo fighting the world together. But I forget one key team player: GOD. The author and chief. The commander. The King of Kings and The Lord of Lords.

And there I was telling God, "I can love him... I'll stand in the gap and intercede on his behalf. I'll take the spiritual beatings. Please put his burdens on me..."

And God, was like "thats a nice gesture, but you arent strong enough..."

And when that realization hit me, at first I was sad, then I was upset then I was furious. Not strong enough, my flesh roar! what do you mean I'm not strong enough?

God wasnt referring to my physical strength, mental or emotional in particular. He was talking about my spirit.

How am I going to stand in the gap for someone with the love of God if I am not filled in spirit all the way, completely with his (God) love?

All I wanted to do was take their pain away. All I wanted to do was protect them from getting hurt. I could feel their pain seep into my spirit. The heaviness burdened my soul, because I could do nothing that would give them hope, or restore their joy because I did not know enough about the word of God.

"How am I going to be a healer in someone else's life when I'm not even filled with the right medicines (the word of God, his love and peace...) to heal myself?

What I learned is that two broken people can't fix one another. They will always be seeking for the other person to validate their life. If they are not confident in God, they will never be satisfied nor fulfulled in their life. They will constantly be looking for a "distraction" from their troubles when they should be focused on God to lead and guide them.

I can say this now, in good faith because I saw who I was before without God leading me, to where I am now with God at the front and center. I will admit that some of the things that the Lord has me doing or being apart of don't make sense, in the moment. But they always do later on, when someone else is life is changed or someone gets saved etc through the struggles, pain and hurt that I had to go through in order to have a powerful testimony to change many lives.

My life is not my own, I knew that ever since I lost my mother. If I am to be about the business of God, I have to take all emotion out of it. Everyone is in need of something, did God equip me with the right tools to help them? If so, then let me help. If not, then let me pray for them so that they can be sent the proper person with the right tools. Amen?

Glory be to God!