Thursday, November 28, 2013

Child-like Heart Return

God is still cleaning me up, but the changes he has made in me since I have been here so far, are incredible. In order for those changes to be made, he had to strip me of everything that made me glorify my ego and not him (God).

The man I love
(I spent too much time wrapped up in his world and not enough time wrapped up into the word of God. I wanted so much to use my life to protect his life only but God was telling me that I was created to protect, inspire, encourage many lives. When things did not move along fast enough for me I became impatient and my flesh started to control my soul and spirit. Then I loss sight of the purpose. To comfort, love and protect the love of God in him. I failed my task and perhaps me being stuck here is part of that punishment for failing or maybe it is like the "waiting room" in a hospitial. Either way despite all that has happen I still pray for him to have full confidence and trust in God the way he did when I first met him. He doesn't know it and maybe he never will but his passion for God stirred in me a passion to seek God too. And other than him sharing the love of God in him with me, protecting the love of God in me, his passion for God was a gift that helped me find God so that my child-like heart could return)

My modeling opportunities

Opportunities for jobs in high places

He wants me to be humble, to go back to who I use to be. I guess, apparently being "too giving" "too loving" "too kind" was what pleased God, but when I started to see the selfish behind man I became bitter and that's when a spirit of rebellion came over me and I started to fight for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't fighting to defend the love of God, I was fighting to tear men down. To step all over their hearts the way they did mine. I wanted to revenge. I was angry. But the truth is, that in being that way I ended up hurting myself a lot more. Because I knew better (many of them did too...) and I cared more about love than anything else. It wasn't in my character to be that way and it broke the heart of my child like spirit.

I told myself that I was protecting my heart, which I forced myself to believe. But my intelligence isn't strong enough to protect my child like heart only God can.

I know this entire journey is about God. The faster I figure out what God wants me to do here then the quicker I can go home. I don't like being stuck in a new place where I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers to get me to where I need to go or help me out. But, that's where God has me. The more I complain about it, the worse it gets. So. I stopped complaining.

I also noticed that God placed me around Christian women, many of them are in relationships. And boy! does it suck to be single when I'm around married and relationship folk! Like dang! wish things would have worked out for me! But, to God be the glory! I know that better is on the way. Who is has for me will match me like a glove to a hand and more than that I won't have to ask him to teach him about spiritual warfare or ask him to grow a backbone, or to stand up and be a man. He will be and do these things automatically because he knows who he is through Christ and who he belongs to: God.


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