And God, was like "thats a nice gesture, but you arent strong enough..."
And when that realization hit me, at first I was sad, then I was upset then I was furious. Not strong enough, my flesh roar! what do you mean I'm not strong enough?
God wasnt referring to my physical strength, mental or emotional in particular. He was talking about my spirit.
How am I going to stand in the gap for someone with the love of God if I am not filled in spirit all the way, completely with his (God) love?
All I wanted to do was take their pain away. All I wanted to do was protect them from getting hurt. I could feel their pain seep into my spirit. The heaviness burdened my soul, because I could do nothing that would give them hope, or restore their joy because I did not know enough about the word of God.
"How am I going to be a healer in someone else's life when I'm not even filled with the right medicines (the word of God, his love and peace...) to heal myself?
What I learned is that two broken people can't fix one another. They will always be seeking for the other person to validate their life. If they are not confident in God, they will never be satisfied nor fulfulled in their life. They will constantly be looking for a "distraction" from their troubles when they should be focused on God to lead and guide them.
I can say this now, in good faith because I saw who I was before without God leading me, to where I am now with God at the front and center. I will admit that some of the things that the Lord has me doing or being apart of don't make sense, in the moment. But they always do later on, when someone else is life is changed or someone gets saved etc through the struggles, pain and hurt that I had to go through in order to have a powerful testimony to change many lives.
My life is not my own, I knew that ever since I lost my mother. If I am to be about the business of God, I have to take all emotion out of it. Everyone is in need of something, did God equip me with the right tools to help them? If so, then let me help. If not, then let me pray for them so that they can be sent the proper person with the right tools. Amen?
Glory be to God!