It is very hard to have a life where you don't have any immediate family around you. And yes, there is the church family but at night they go home to their immediate families and I go home alone. Even, the lady I live with I'm very thankful for her life and for allowing me to stay here.
But I hear her children and grand daughter playing, laughing and talking throughout the house and it makes me sad a little bit in my spirit. That's the one thing that I have always wanted ever since I lost my mother was a family. My own family. I love to love Gods people and when I don't have anyone around to share all this love with, it makes me feel useless and disconnected from God.
I know it may sound silly, but I want a fairy tale wedding, marriage and life. It would be a life where my husband puts and keeps God first. A life where my husband and I communicate about everything and anything in love. A life where we appreciate one another for who God has created us to be. Where we both see the highest potential in the other and encourage the other to keep striving for their absolute best in life.
It is interesting to see who I was to see who I am now. A few years ago I did not want to have anything to do with a man. A man? Please, what can he do for me that I can't do for myself? Nothing. Men are just in the way. Taking up precious oxygen. They are never satisfied. Why did God even make them? So angry... so hurt.
If I were still in that mind set I would still be using this intelligence to stomp on their ego and then I would walk away laughing. Look at me! Look at me! I'm better than any man. There is NO MAN that can challenge me. They are all weak.
But when God gets you in his arms it does something to you your spirit and heart. The holy spirit had to keep tossing me around, and knocking me on my head and poking me in the heart for me to wake up and realize that who I was trying to be was not of God and was not how God made me... no, not at all. He didn't create me to be loud and obnoxious. I started out shy, sweet and very loving. Extremely giving. Anything you needed I gave, even if it meant that I wouldn't have anything left for myself. And I didn't mind. Sure you can borrow that. No, you can have it.
Now, I want to be wife and a mother. In the past I asked God for boyfriends and he gave me exactly what I asked for. But after awhile of the same ol' same ol' I started to get wise. You must be specific when you ask, Abba Father, for things...
This time I asked God to send a man who was strong enough to love me. That no matter what happen in my life or his life that he would continue to stand by my side, protect the love of GOD in me and encourage me to keep focused in my walk with Christ and to stay positive in life.
My life is not my own. I go where God tells me to go. So, I need to be with a man who is strong enough to not only understand that but accept it. I also need to be with a man who isn't afraid to put me in check from time to time. Who isn't afraid to pray when he notices that I'm starting to act out of character because my flesh is being unruly. I'm not always going to be aware.
When I'm weak, my husband needs to be strong and when he is weak I need to strong. We should be have each others back no matter what. He should be able to provide and protect and I should be able to offer love and comfort (we are not limited to those extremes of course, but those are just the basics).
My husband should constantly be thinking about his wife and children. Matter of fact we both should be thinking about our family and one another. Because we set the foundation for our children. We are going to look up to him for guidance and instruction and while we are looking up at him. He should be looking up at GOD.
Any trouble that I'm in I should be able to go to him and he should be able to help me figure it out. Wise, strong, patient, high faith, gentle. I'm realistic of course in my thinking more so than I was before, because I do acknowledge that no everyday will be a bed full of roses. That some days he will need his space and so will I. And on those days I play to stay active in Church and close to God or attend a missionary conference the way I did when I first came to Virginia.
My grandmother said, "It will take a strong man to love you..." And I never understood what she meant, but I always knew that something was different about my spirit even before I was aware of that I know now. Many of the guys that I dated in college had no backbones. We would get into an argument and the first thing they would do is say "Its over!" Really? So, I learned. That is I piss off any man so much that he tells me its over (after saying that he loves me and sees me being the mother of his children etc) then that's not man that I can be with.
If he can so easily walk away when we are just dating then he will walk away so easily when we are married and I'm not about that "quitting" life. You don't promise that you will be by my side and take care of me and love me and then when things don't go your way just Jump ship.
Let's be real.
Yet, I notice that it always seems that when I start being nice and kind that's when they start to change and become indifferent to my life.
So here is what I'm looking for:
1. Respectful Honesty! Honesty! Honesty!
2. Consistent and Open communication
3. Appreciation
4. Effort, going the extra mile
5. Stability, consistency
6. Provide and protect
7. Always give love to get love. Show love. Never let me forget that you love me. It doesn't have to be extravagant, but a card, a nice text, yeah... I appreciate the small things, because those are what I remember most when I'm reflecting on life.
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