Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship (part 2)

I don't think a woman should have to lower or hide her intelligence and strength just to make a man feel like a man. He should already be confident in who God made him and he should already have his life in order or be working really hard to get it in order. 

In the past, I put up with a variety of interesting men characters! 

I don't do a lot of socializing in real life. I tend to save my breath for people who actually want to make a change in their life and or learn something new. But, the behavior of men folk nowadays is so predictable that I don't find it fun anymore to even "play the game" anymore.

Forgiving "Judas" & Can Someone Else Get A Turn?

Changes. They are inevitable. You can be ready to make and be that change, all day, but if they (your family, friends, neighbors, brothers and sisters in Christ) are not ready to receive those changes in you, then the value of those changes have to be put on hold. 

Let me say this again. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time, but the difference is that I self reflect, repent and then try to make the situation right. But, how can you make a situation right, if the other party is not willing to "hear" you out? 

You can't. So, that's when you put it and leave it in the hands of God. Something that I'm still learning how to do. I come from a background where I'm use to doing things for myself. I tend to be more of "lone" wolf. So to come to a community filled with so much love (for most of them the love is genuine) it really baffled me. 

Since When do Alpha Males Throw Tantrums? Get real!

Right now I'm in my flesh. I'm writing from my flesh and not from my spirit.
I'm so tired of meeting men who claim to be the "alpha male" then when things don't go their way they throw a tantrum. They revert to children. The whole time I'm sitting back like "wow and I thought you were the alpha male." Since when do alpha males give up when things get tough and throw tantrums. Men claim they want honesty and communication then they meet me and I'm honest, brutally honest and they can't handle it. So that makes you too weak. He was right, he is too weak for me. Had the look for an alpha male but the spirit of a coward. How does that work?

Instead of just being honest and opening their mouth and saying "When you say that or this it makes me feel uncomfortable please don't talk about that..." They storm off and attend a private pity party. So, you are suppose to be the father of my children? So, you are suppose to be the man that I share my body with and have children with and you can't even look me in the eyes and talk to me? So much for your communication.

And yet, you expect for God to bless you with a wife and children (your own child) when you act like that. Why would God give you one of his most precious jewels to protect when you can't even control your temper? It doesn't matter what was said or did, the point is are you strong enough to look past it and move on with life? Are you going to hold a grudge forever and waste time on being mad, instead of loving and caring about me like you so genuinely stated when everything was going great and flowing the way you wanted it to?

How are you the alpha male when you just give up on people like that? No wonder you are stuck at the same job doing the same thing, because you aren't ready to be a leader. No wonder, you work so hard and bust your ass for nothing because you are not ready to be a leader. It is about attitude. It is about being committed to fighting for the good of the whole and not just yourself. If, you can easily walk away when we are one little fight, I just image how much worse it would be after we had children. I guess, its a good thing that I didn't marry you, because you would have left my ass pregnant with two kids and not knowing what to do because your a coward. No wonder your loved one was taken away because you were not and are not in a position to take care of them anyway. So much for alpha male. Protector my ass.

I was woman enough to admit that I did not speak in love, but even after you yelled at me and said all those hateful things I still didn't give up on you. I still sat there and wanted to talk about it. The messed up thing is that you lied. Now I know that you are a liar and that's one of things I don't put up with a liar and a COWARD.

So, yeah, if you die an old man guess you will know why.

I stayed true to what I said about caring, but I guess that was not enough. That's why I don't give men the time of day, because they all lie, stab you in the back, abandon you, step all over your kindness, throw tantrums then runaway. I HATE MEN! I hate their stupid selfish attitudes. Walking around thinking they own everything. I HATE MEN! Every time a man looks my direction I get UPSET. What are you looking at? Don't even think about talking to me because I don't want to hear it. No good for nothing bum ass loser. Every guy I ever meet is a loser. I keep trying to go for the nice guys because maybe there is "LOVE" there, but NOPE still selfish. How are you 36 years old and you have the maturity of a 15 year old. GET REAL? We had an argument big deal, but you are still butt hurt over it? OH MY GOSH! I'm so done! OLD, YOUNG, BLACK or WHITE it doesn't matter. They are all the same.
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How Much Do You Want More of God? (Call To Ministry Part 2, New Direction...)

I attended a different church this morning. I was lead to attend a small church on the other side of town. The intimacy of it reminds me of reaping the harvest. I was welcomed, but I didn't really feel the presence of the holy spirit there until we started to pray.

I'm use to attending a church where I walk in and the anointing is so high that it immediately cleans up your spirit and the second you step into the door. 

I don't know if I'm biased or if I'm just use to being around strong, highly anointed followers of Christ. Those who are met were kind but they were more of church for outreach, more than a church that teaches about the bible. Also, they are just kind of starting. I'm going to pray about it, of course and if God says so, then I will help out and start their praise and worship team. 

I feel that God is calling me to do more than just praise him. I feel like I'm suppose to go out and talk about how awesome God is and how faithful and merciful God is. But, I'm not sure what direction he wants me to go in with this ministry. 

So I'm praying on that too... 

I'm also praying that God sets things in motions so that I can be married soon. I'm excited about becoming the wife to a wonderful strong man of faith. I wish my family in NC could share in this joy with me. I miss them very much, but I'm sure that he and I will get around to visiting NC soon. 

I'm finally happy for the first time in awhile and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy. He respects the fact that I'm a writer. But most importantly he doesn't try to beat down my intelligence or belittle my passion for God. I was so tired of having to play the hush, hush game. Don't sing too loud. Don't praise God too loud or too much because you might offend or scare someone away... 

IF my passion for GOD is that strong to scare someone away from going to church, then that means they were not truly sold out for Jesus in the first place. There should be no man nor woman that takes you away from your passion, praise and yearning for Gods' truth. 

If I were out in the world, like in the old days all this struggle would not exist. I would have everything that I want and I would be spoiled. Men would flock to my feet and give me whatever I wanted. But, I don't CHOOSE to live my life that way. I want to leave a legacy of Greatness that reflects Gods' love, light and truth. I want something more than just superficial, temporary highs. I know that there is more. And God is the key to that something more... 

The Love, Beauty and Power of GOD: A life of Adventure

I feel like a queen without her castle/kingdom. I feel like I took a journey away from my kingdom to go do business in another kingdom. I know that God has called me to do something great. I know that he is molding me for greater. Preparing me to be equipped and handle the absolute best that he has just for me. I'm ready to go to he next level and nothing and no one is going to stand in my way from getting what God has for me. I tried to include other people in my blessings, but then they got jealous and weak in their spirit and let the devil control them. I don't need any weaklings on my team. 

That's why I asked God to send me his strongest warriors. Not just the strongest, but the strongest of the strong. Each day is a spiritual battle and those who don't believe that are foolish. The enemy is constantly trying to put doubt in your mind or turn you away fro GOD. So you have to fight for your sanity! 

The First And Second Day As An Assistant Teacher: Teach Me How To Love

I'm so close to a breakthrough that I can feel it.


I let my mind play tricks on me, because I felt like I wasn't where I am suppose to be. But, God would not keep me here if he did not mean for me to be here. I know that much. I have met some really amazing men and women of God. They are on fire for Gods love like me! When I get around them and my candle light seems low. They just know what to say or to do to set it back aflame again. The only thing is that I have to keep my might burning bright. I can not let the devil blow it out!

The first day of classes:

I was partly nervous, walking into the school knowing that I had 22 students in one class to learn all their names and then about 14 in the other class to learn names of as well. Phew! I just start calling them, "sweetheart and young lady and young man" instead lol But God is good and he got me through the first day without any major complications.

I don't know why children were placed on my heart. I never grew up wanting to babysit or even be around babies, but somehow when I get around children I transform into a completely different woman. I'm every bit like the virtuous woman that is described in proverbs 31. And most importantly I'm happy.

We did arts and crafts. I took them outside. I took them to lunch. I pretty much just helped out as much as I was needed. The first class is of kindergartners. They are a sassy bunch, but such a joy to be around.

The second class I go to is pre-k's. There are only a couple of them that get fresh from time to time, but most of them are still crying for their mommies and daddies. In that class they have nap time and that's when I come in to make sure that they are not kicking their neighbor in their sleep or talking.

I was pretty happy when the first day ended. Overall it was a good day.

The second day of classes:

I started out the day with a lot on my mind. I know that the "unexpected event" was not due to because I did not love enough, because before the unexpected event I loved them as best as I knew how. I'm not use to a man treating me kindly. I'm not use to men thinking much of me at all. So, when I met them my shield was up and there was a force field around my heart. But such is life, that when you trust a man, they end up breaking your heart for reasons that sometimes they don't even know themselves. "I care about you, but I also don't care enough to not break your heart..." And such is life from there....

That's why we have to be very careful about what we say to people and how we say it. When you say you love someone you better mean it or else you will be held accountable. But that goes for everything, even if you say hateful words or sow seeds of discord too. I don't tell people that I love or care about them unless I mean it and I also don't call everyone friend. Not everyone that smiles in my face has my best interest at heart. So I have to tap into the gift of discernment and wait for God to give me directions.

Unfavorable Situations: God Can Fix It All

God wants me to rise to my position of leadership, and although my heart is still broken by the events that have recently surfaced I know that God will fix it according to his order and will for my life.

Sometimes the truth is not always what we want to hear, but it is what is best for us. I honestly and firmly believe that God can not bless me fully and abundantly if I am attached to anything that is not fully focused on him.

When I date, I tell men that I am "different" not to be funny, cute or coy. I am spiritually sensitive to everything and around anyone that I meet. So hurts some, to a little degree. Hurts me on a colossal magnitude. When my heart breaks, it takes forever to heal.

Thus, I am asking God to work quickly in fully healing my heart.

Right now I need to find a room to rent so that I can stay in the area and work and save money. The goal is to save enough money to get on my feet so that I can help my grandmother get into a new apartment at least by December if not before then. My grandmother has worked so hard to take care of me. She deserves to live in comfort and in peace for the rest of her years. 

I learned to never be happy with anyone, but to carry your own happiness and joy of Christ on your own. Never share so much of yourself that you begin to lose and or change who you are.

For example: A lot of people tell me that I should not wear a lot of makeup or any at all. But I like wearing makeup because it is a way that I can express myself in the creative fashion.

I also like dressing up. IF you declare that you love, God and that you are a follower of Christ, you must not only walk, the walk and talk the talk but you also have to dress the part. God, gave me life. He gave me a supermodel like figure and I"m going show appreciation for the body that he gave me by looking nice daily.

I am back on the "market" and I am waiting for God to send my husband. I know that all struggle and the heartache that I am going through right now will just make me appreciate my husband that much more. Still, yet, I must be careful not to allow myself to get blinded by the idea of being in love. I must also keep God first, so that I can discern what my husband will need when the time comes.

The one thing that is constant and will be constant in my marriage is: Prayer. We will pray all the time, everyday, for whatever reason. I am getting stronger. I was not this strong in my walk with Christ when I was in NC. I spoke about my love of God, but now I am actually walking in my love of God.

And even though this situation that I'm in hurts me. Even though his indifference to my life brings tears to my face and a dagger to my heart I know that God will show up and show out on my behalf. Just as God gives, he can also take away. I still show love, no matter what. I have to constantly pray and ask God to fill me with his peace, patience and kindness. So that I do not say anything hateful. Granted there were times when I allowed my flesh to rise in despite of what I knew. I was so angry. But, immediately after I apologized.

The other thing is that I need to date a man who is on fire for the love of God. I need to be with a man that is strong and confident in God no matter what obstacle comes into his life. I'm a warrior for Gods love and I'm on the battlefield constantly. So, the man who I marry needs to be a warrior also. Ready to stomp out the devil at a seconds notice. Fearless.

Testimony: God is always on Time (full story)

God is always on time: Testimony. 

 

 

All I can do is thank God for his mercy and grace over my life

I'm poor, broken, needy, and blind and I need God every single day.

Thank you Father, God for your kindness, your humility, your truth and your love.

I don't deserve your love, but you love me anyway.

 

I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning. I got up, put my clothes on and was ready to head to this new church that I was introduced to...

But when I walked outside the car that I'm currently using was not out there. It was gone! At first I thought I parked it in another area. Then I thought it was stolen. I was freaking out because I was trying to make it to the 9am prayer service. Since I want to be a prayer warrior one day, I figured what better place to start than to immerse myself into where the action is at?

But I didn't make it. God had other plans for me.

I saw the police officer sitting in his vehicle, with the window rolled down talking to the towing guy. So I walked up to him and ask him if he had any information on the car that I was driving... he told me that they towed it.

He told me to go the police station to get the information on where I could pick it up.

When I got to the police station, he had already radioed the officer sitting at the desk. The officer said that he couldn't find it (more stress for me!)

So I walked around downtown seeing if I had placed it somewhere else, just in case. Then I concluded that it had been stolen.

When I got back to the police station that officer that I had first spoken to was there and he had all the information lined up for me and filled out ready to go.

I was pissed because the officer at the desk who was suppose to be doing his job clearly sent me on a wild goose chase when he knew that my car had been towed all along. He was just too lazy to look for it.

I frantically called my god brother and his wife to come and help me. I didn't want to call my aunt because I knew that she would fuss and roll her eyes...

During that time, while I was waiting for them to arrive at the police station to pick me up so we could go to the towing facility. I found myself in a parking deck talking first talking to my aunt then right after talking to God.

After I got off the phone with my aunt, I was upset and I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked God to please help me...

God sent me two angels in that moment (and two more after that moment)..., Tony and Amanda to help me through a moment of confusion. They stopped and asked me if they could help me, because they heard me crying. I asked them if they knew how to pray. I could tell that neither of them really know "how" to pray, but Amanda stepped out on faith and prayed with me anyway and Tony supported her. They both had the kindest eyes. I could tell they had the love of Christ in their hearts.

Love recognizes Love.

After they prayed with me. I thanked them. Then disappeared but I continue to stand in the area trying to calm down from all the frustration. Then unexpectedly Tony and Amanda came back and around put some money in my hands. They said, "this is all we have but we hope that it helps..." I was so shocked at their kindness and desire to help me. They kept saying that they wished they could do more. All I could do was stare at the money and say thank you God over and over. It don't run into kind hearted people every day. That's how I knew they were sent from God.

I was already upset because the car got towed, but to make matters worse my aunt didn't seem to care very much. She is so practical when it comes to other matters but when it comes to me, she is indifferent. Any other person would have said, "what do you need?" "I'm on the way..." but no not her... too much of a hassle to help lil ol' me.

You know, if my mother were alive I wouldn't even bother my aunt for anything. But sometimes she forgets that her sister's heart lives in me. And when she acts indifferent to me or doesn't care. She is actually breaking her sisters heart (my mother's heart)....

Anyway, my god brother and his wife arrived and they took me to the towing place. They had to pay because I did not have the money.

Everything went smooth. We went to get some food while we waited for the tow truck guy to come back and unlock the gate.

After about 30 minutes (plus) the tow truck guy came back. I was able to get the car. Then after my god brother, his lady wife and I went to their church service. It starts later in the evening which worked out perfectly into the schedule of that day.

The whole purpose of me getting up, was because I had my heart set on going to church. But even though I didn't make it to the service I wanted to go to I made to the service that God needed me to be.

He sent confirmation on something that I had been dealing with for awhile: Patience.

I thank God that he put it in Tony and Amanda's heart to stop what they were doing to pray with me.
I also thank God that he put it in my god brother's and his lady wife's heart to help me also. They could have told me now. They could have said they don't have it. But when I asked for their help they didn't fuss or arguing or say anything that would cause me to feel bad about asking for help....

I'm going through an interesting phase in my life, because this is the time when I really need my mother. All the way. But I know that God is going to take care of me. I know that it will all work out the way that it should...

 

 

 

 

Restoration, Rejuvenation, Re-evaluation

I'm taking some time away from the online world that I know to figure out a few things in my head. A part of me feelings like all the sharing that I'm doing of basic truth falls on deaf ears. I feel like no one cares about what I'm doing unless I do something that makes a big impact. I have to be able to influence many people. I was happy at the one or two people that I did reach with the truth that God put on my heart to share.

I admit that not all of my posts on fb were from God. I would hope that people would recognize the difference. The posts that seem to have the most emotion behind them were not from God. They were based off raw emotion. But the posts that were solid, that sounded like something a grandmother or grandfather would tell their grandchild that was from God.

I always knew that I was different. I just didn't know how much different. I also joke that God gave me the wisdom of an 80 year old and the body of a 20 year old. It is a joke that most chuckle at, in respect, even though it holds a great deal of truth....

I need time to re-connect with my heart. To heal more. I need confirmation of where God needs me to be, who he needs me to associate with and what he needs me to do.

Where: DC, Greensboro, Raleigh or Winston-Salem?

Who: Friends? Which ones do I keep or which ones do I leave behind?

What: continue this modeling thing, go full time into teaching, move into a completely different field all together?

I know that God will provide all my needs.
I still need a job that pays all my bills. A bed in a room, in a house or apt to stay in until I can get on my feet. I also need another/new vehicle.

I feel like change is around the corner, and if I can hold on then things will get better.

Struggle Builds Strong Testimonies

I was starting to think that God was not hearing my prayers until one of my awesome guy friends, we will call him Mr. "J" sent me a text telling me that he met two awesome men of God. I had been praying that God would send him friends that were passionate about God the way he is and lo' and behold God answered that prayer.

When I pray for other people the prayer always gets answered. But when I pray for myself it either takes forever to get answered or it doesn't get answered at all.

I'm in an interesting transition and in this transition I'm starting to learn who my real friends are. It is so odd that a complete stranger appreciates me more than those who I have known for some time.

I can't help that I love people so passionately. That is just my way. But instead of people seeing the good in that, they take it and dirty up my gift to love by saying that I'm "needy" "possessive" "overwhelming" etc All of those speakings are of the devil. There can never be too much love. There barely is any now...

There can be too much care though, which I have recently pulled back on because the more I cared the more I got in the way of their spiritual growth. When I feel that my life is getting in the way of someone else's spiritual walk with Christ I will remove myself for a awhile...even if it hurts me. Because its selfish to block someone else's blessings because of any selfish desires that I may be feeling at the time (loneliness etc).

This life is changing rapidly

I don't have much time to be in this situation, because I feel like God is going to move me soon. Either into another living arrangement within NC or out of the state completely....

I really would like to have my own bed and my room to sleep in for a change. I have been sleeping on the couch for two years now. I thought that I would finally be able to get on my feet when I got my job as a hostess at this new restaurant that opened up down the street. But they didn't like quality... that's the problem around here. They don't like anything or anyone that reminds them that they can do better in life. People in NC are comfortable with floating just above average. They have little desire to strive for their absolute best. But, even if they manage to reach their full potential once in their life, they are too lazy to maintain it... its sad.

So much potential, gone to waste....every day.

I use to look at this stagnant position I'm in as something bad... and yes I do want to "fly away" from this place still. There is no denying that. But now, as I'm learning how to walk in Gods peace I look at everything bad or unpleasant that happens in my life as a stepping stone that will aid in building a strong testimony.

It seems like ever since I lost my mother, all I ever do is scream louder than the next person, cry harder, run faster, jump further just to get my little pinky toe in the door to success.

When it seems like others can just wake up and have everything handed to them. But even those people have a story too. We all do, that's why I like to get to know people for who they are... instead of for the mask that they display to the world.

My life isn't over. I still have a lot more work to do, but I know that I have to heal completely if I ever want to teach people how to walk in Gods love, truth and peace.

Interview: The Last Handshake

They fill your head in college with a false anticipation and or hope that once you get your degree you are set. Oh! once you have your degree you can get a GOOD paying job (define good paying?) and then you can live the life you want. I bought into that dream too. But I bought into it because I wanted to learn.

 

I was a fish to a worm hook. I got my mouth caught on the hook because I was too ambitious. They sell you book smarts, but really all the things that teachers teach, you can LEARN for yourself. You just have to go to the library and look it up for yourself.

 

Sometimes I meet people who don't have any degree at all but they are the smartest, most wise of people that I know. They speak with confidence and eloquence and they always "keep it real." Whether it is nice or pretty truth. They make sure to share it. I respect that kind of life. A life of walking in truth.

 

Its always exciting when you have an interview. Your hope is always somewhat a little bit too high. You go in with a "positive" attitude. "I'm going to get this job!" "I will get this job!" "This job is mine!" You are speaking positive energy into the atmosphere. So you are ready set to go!

I even went to so far as to have my god mother pray with me. I went to the interview and everything went great. The interview was smooth. I prayed the entire time, fasted for as long as I could without passing out.

Then I got the email. Anticipating running high! Excitement! Did he pick me? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Then it reads something like: "Sorry, we didn't pick you. Good luck in your job search..."

Why didn't he pick me?

And that's the answer that you will never get. Even when you ask them they will still give you a bs answer that caters to them not feeling like the "bad guy."

I'm at a point in my life where I have followed the "rules" enough. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. I'm tired of reminding people that God made me the total package so let's make money off of me while I still have the looks and desire to do this...

But everyone around here just sits on their asses and wastes their life away. Waiting and hoping for a chance that will never arrive. I'm tired of waiting. So I'm going to make my own path.

I'm tired of being good, nice, kind, PATIENT, PATIENT and then nothing ever happens and then when it does happen something bad is always attached to it. So hell, if bad things are going to happen to me anyway might as well choose the ones that I want to walk in, you know?

I can't keep sitting in north Carolina wasting my life away. If I was married or had children that would be a different story. The worst part is that people here only support me half heartedly. They support the modeling side but not the scientist analyzer side. The side that I want people to most remember about me is the scientist side.

How can I be a more loving person if I feel trapped in this hell hole? If I'm always doing the same things. Seeing the same faces. Many of my friends had chances to have money, to travel to be in relationships longer than a year and half. The only living that I have done is partying and drinking etc I want to do have experiences that NO ONE else will have. I know that GOD is always with me and he is the only one that can come with me on this journey.

Some might say that it is selfish of me to just get up and leave, but then I say that it is selfish of them to want me to stay. "But you will get hurt?" "There is danger out there!" Well if I get hurt then guess it was in GODs will for me to get hurt. Well, if I DIE guess it was in Gods will for me to DIE.

I need to go to a place where my beauty is appreciated and not looked at as a sickness nor a deformity. Where people don't just stare at me and not speak. Where people actually appreciate having me around.

On. The. Battlefield. For------- GOD(YAHWEH)

 

I do not like mediocrity. Matter of fact I made it my mission to battle against it every chance that I get(Spiritual Warfare). I believe that God equips his called warriors with special gifts, that other people sometimes see as dysfunctions because the world can not understand them. If they sought GOD and had the full mind of Christ they would be able to. Yet, Sometimes I'm not aware of it, as acutely as I should be. When other times it whacks me in the face. How can you miss it?

Mediocrity is anything that holds you back of from reaching your highest potential through Christ and or receiving your full abundance of blessings.

For example loneliness.

Loneliness is a form of mediocrity because it attacks your mental state. It keeps you focused on what you don't have (someone to hold you at night) verses all the wonderful people in your life already (whether they are holding you at that moment or not). It keeps you distracted from hearing God, because once again you are so focused on what or who you don't have.  It makes you yearn for another life to sit next to you, talk to you, be your friend etc when in reality you really don't need anyone but GOD. When you call on God he will send his holy spirit, the comforter to keep you from being lonely.

Boxing Ring of Intelligence: The Truth About Man

The thought of even wanting a boyfriend or any male affection is a form a form of mediocrity in my book. But because I'm not perfect and God is still healing me. I feel the need to talk about it.

If I were to have a boyfriend I would have to lower my intellect.

I don't think that most men are worth the time and hassle to even step into the ring of intelligence with me. I will rip their head off and eat their eyes for a snack.

The intelligence and wisdom that God gave me is powerful.

I have yet to meet a man who can stand in the ring of intelligence with me for longer than maybe 4 or 5 rounds. After about the 5th round they give up and declare they are tired or they get annoyed because they can't get me to agree with them.

If they are wrong. Why would I agree, just so they can feel good about themselves?

Also men lie too much for me.

They lie about simple things too. For example: If you don't want to hang out, why don't you just say I don't want to hang out. See how easy that is.

That way I can not waste my time on you and go find someone else to hang out with.

But the problem with men today that they are so afraid of looking like the "bad" guy. I would rather you just be honest than worry about looking like the "bad" guy.

Its saves me time. I don't want to waste any more time on losers.

Men think that they can appeal to my empathy, little do they know that I'm a "sweet ice queen" and I don't care about feelings when it comes to truth. I'm bluntly honest and I'm not biting my tongue for any man.

The other thing is that "nice guys" are only nice until they don't get their way. Then when they get their way they turn into the asshole. So really no man is a nice guy. They are all just assholes some just wear a full mask while others only wear a half of a mask.

 

 



 

In the past I thought that if I dated the "nice guys" that they would treat me better. But, even the nice guys decided that they wanted to mistreat me.

I find it so strange that when I see my exes now in my new life, they are treating their new gf or their wife like gold. They open her door and treat her like a lady. They are attentive and sensitive to her needs. They pull down the moon and the starts for her. Yet, when they were with me all they did was say one hateful thing after another. The interesting thing is that their new woman doesn't even seem to care if they are alive or dead. If they are with them or not. Its always the sluts that get treated like Queens and the Queens that get treated like sluts.

I made up my mind that I can't be with any man who doesn't have the mind of Christ. And seeks Gods truth and walking in Gods love. I also realized that just because a person is a man of God does not mean that he has the mind of Christ. A man that has the mind of Christ acts completely different. Is on a whole other level.

Most of my guy friends will get gfs at some point and when they do they will forget all about me. When those women cheat on them or break their heart they will find me and want to "hang out" again. But I have decided that I won't be available. Because I'm tired of being OLD FAITHFUL, sitting there waiting until he is done messing around for him to realize that I was the diamond that he dropped to pick up a pebble.

Scientist vs. Model

I think modeling is fun. A person can learn a lot from the experiences that you get through meeting people in the modeling industry. But, a lot of young women are so hungry for fame, money and power that they miss the life lessons entirely. Then you have people who seem to be created for the sole purpose of selling you a dream in a hand basket. They don't care if you really make it or not as long they look good trying to get you to the top or as long they get some kind of reward out of the deal.

 

 





The people on your "team" those who manager your career or have anything to do with making you money are suppose to have your best interest at heart. But a lot of times they get sidetracked and want to mold you into the image that they conjured up in their mind of how you should be, what you should look like, and essentially who you should be.

I'm blessed enough to not have to deal with any of that, but when I first started modeling I certainly felt that pull. I certainly fell that I was betraying who I was. I wasn't comfortable in my skin when I first started. They wanted me to just take a pill and "magically" wake up feeling sexy and confident and free from inhibitions. But, that was the "Paris Hilton" mentality that all the girls seemed to fall in at the time.

God had other plans for me.

And after I decided that modeling wasn't where my heart was, I chose to sing. I took voice lessons and that's where I started building my confidence to sing in front of people.

I now look at everything I do as a confidence builder.

Even though I think modeling is fun, I think I would much rather be a scientist. IF there was a way that I could combine being a model and a scientist then I would because that way I could have the best of both worlds.

 

 



In being a scientist I'm free to use the gift of intelligence that God gave me. No one can mask it, nor mold me to fit their thoughts, unlike in modeling where if you don't wear the designers clothes or you can't fit in them then either you don't get to be in the show or you don't get to wear their outfit and you miss being in the scene. There is too much demand in modeling. To look a certain way and or to act a certain way.

And honestly I just want to say FUCK IT! I act and do what I want. If you don't like it kiss my ass. But in the modeling world you can't do that. Because as a model you need people to like you, so they will want to work with you. That's another reason why being a scientist is more appealing. I don't need anyone to like me nor think I'm cool nor beautiful. Heck! they don't even have to think that I'm smart. As long as I have facts to back up what I state and or consistent patterns of truth. My theory is valid and it say the potential to stick in the hearts of the minds of all who read my material or redo my study.

Haters: See you in your dreams

I never thought that people would pay attention to me. In growing up I was never that popular anyway. I just stayed in my own little world with my books, my writings and with my music. I didn't bother anyone. Now, that I reflect I do remember always having the most trouble in the choirs. There was always so much jealousy and envy and negative energy. If the choir director felt like too many students were unhappy with me getting a lead part on a song they would give my part to another student or just cut the part all together. 

That's how I know that my voice is a gift from God. 

But...

I attended a concert. I don't go out that much like I use to, but when I hear a band that I really enjoy listening to then I make the time and effort to go support them and watch them perform. 

Then I went dancing. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to dance. Yet, the more I go out the more hate and jealousy I notice in the world. Then everywhere I go people want to control me. Men and women. 

The other thing is that I'm not a big fan of people saying "oh you look like someone that I know!" She said it as if all people of color look alike. I don't look like anyone but me, because I'm brown skin doesn't mean that I look like your brown skin friend from college. We aren't all the same, just like all the people that have white or orange or purple skin aren't the same. 

Anyway, she asked if she could take a picture with me and I told her no. Then I watched as her true colors started to show.  She isn't the first person that I refused to take a picture with. I'm not a trophy prize. I'm not a barbie that you can just sit on the shelf. I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you don't get your way. People are so immature. They think that just because they have money or because they have ten billion friends when they only hang out with five of them that they can run the world. 

No. You can run the world in your head but you aren't going to run any world that I'm apart of. 

Go throw your tantrums with someone else. 


I told the girl that I'm sorry that I don't want to take a picture and then I told her that Jesus loved her and she stormed off like a raging bull showing her drunk guy friend the middle finger. That's what happens when people get plastered. They lose that filter that they were taught through socialization into having and they start showing their true colors. I watched her huff and puff until she disappeared out the door, laughing the whole time. Then I continued to dance.

Then the guy that she was with, was drunk out his mind and he kept looking at me like he wanted to eat my face off. He tried to ask me why she was upset and I just shrugged my shoulders and kept dancing. It is true the more confident I get in my walk with Jesus Christ, the more haters I find that I have. 

And they come in all shapes and sizes. 

Sometimes I get those really "cutesy" chicks who smile in your face and say how pretty you are, but the second you turn your back they make some rude and off hand comment. I give them a look and they smile back because they know that I know or either they are too drunk to realize that I know and think they are getting away with being hateful.