Let me say this again. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time, but the difference is that I self reflect, repent and then try to make the situation right. But, how can you make a situation right, if the other party is not willing to "hear" you out?
You can't. So, that's when you put it and leave it in the hands of God. Something that I'm still learning how to do. I come from a background where I'm use to doing things for myself. I tend to be more of "lone" wolf. So to come to a community filled with so much love (for most of them the love is genuine) it really baffled me.
I have been here in Woodbridge, VA for 6 months. I like to call this the journey of "firsts," because no day since I have been here has ever been the same. Each day that I'm here is a new adventure.
But, I'm ready to move on. In order for me to move on I have to completely "forgive" the people that I have done me wrong. Those who stabbed me in the back and spit all over my life. And even those who stood by and watched them stab me in the back and spit all over my life.
I'm ready to move on with "Jesus." He is the only man that I love. I'm ready to move on in the plans that God has for me. So, the lesson I am now entering is: To walk in love. How can you walk in love, when the people who trusted to be there for you and love you? Stabbed you in the back and then skipped around laughing about it. Adding salt to the wound by kissing on their boyfriend in front of you and being flirty for the man that you love, who won't even speak to you?
How do you show love to person like that?
Through the word of God. Of course this person likes to give me scriptures too. But, I see right through them. But, in order for me to move on with my life. I have to forgive them. So, while I'm here I'm going to do what I have to do.
There is a lot of favoritism in this community. I don't like it. Some of the people who never get a chance to sing or act or dance, they are stronger in their gift than the person actually leading. But, because they don't have a "status" in the community, they get put to the back burner and dismissed.
For example: I'm in a community choir here, where he made two of the ladies that I sing with be group leaders. That's cool. I love them so much. I love them with all of my heart. If they ever needed anything I would be there for them (despite the one being the Judas in my life and stabbing me in the back. How do I know that they are a Judas in my life? Because they are the ones that kiss me on the cheek every single time they see me. How did Judas betray Jesus? With a kiss).
But, I think it should have been a group vote instead. We should have all voted to see who would best fit to guide us. I know that the more mature of the ladies is the one that I will follow. She is a seasoned Christian and I admire her a lot. She was the one that came to stand beside me in Church, when the pastor asked us to grab our neighbors hand and or to stand next to our family members.
She and her daughters came to stand next to me. I remember things like that. I'm not listening to the other one. Not because she stabbed me in the back, but because she isn't seasoned. Like the other. And if I'm going to get advice or take leadership from anyone. It is going to be from someone who I know will lead me in the right direction. Why would I follow after someone who stabbed me in the back? I wouldn't. So I'm not going to. If it means that I don't get to sing with the group, then so be it.
The one thing that I promised myself, was that I was never going to be fake about the way I feel about something. I was never going to lie to myself about how I feel about something. If it don't "feel right" look right, smell right... it must STANK and I see whole lot of STANK in this community that needs to be address, but no one says anything about it because they are all afraid of "confrontation." Well, why haven't you verbally said anything? Some would ask. Because I'm waiting for the right moment. I'm actually waiting for God, this time, to give me the green light to tell me when I can say, what HE wants me to say. First, I have to die to my flesh, so that I am not tempted to say things out of emotion and out of love.
Because, I love them. I love all of them. Each and every one of them is talented and gifted. They have so much light and passion about them. It is beautiful! But, sometimes that light and passion for God gets clouded by jealousy, envy, pride (Oh, yeah, I know I had a few battles with that myself lol), bitterness etc.
I don't have time for it. God wants to bless my life, and I'm not going to let anyone stand in my way. So whatever I have to do, is what I'm going to do. So I can move on. Glory be to God!