I Love You More Than I Love Myself

My child like heart died when they broke up with me. I came here thinking that they were going to help me get on my feet. I came here believing that they would have my back. But, the reality is that they did have my "back" and then they turned their back on me and walked away...

They promised my god family and my grandmother that they would take care of me. If they would have waited to break up with me after I got on my feet, then I would not have made a fuss. I would have understood and things would have gone a lot more smooth. But they broke up with me during one of the greatest transitions in my life. 

I have never been on my own before like this. I have never been so far away from my family, where I couldn't get anyone to help me. I trusted them to keep their word, at least if not to me, then to my god family and to my grandmother. 

I shared so much of my life with them and they did me "dirty." The worst part is they live right around the corner and they haven't come to check on me in like 3 months. They don't even care that I'm hurting and need their friendship and support the most right now. 

But, all of that is my reality, yet it is the past.

The thing about it is that even though they did me "dirty" I still love them and I still pray for them and encourage them in their walk with Christ. Their soul salvation is more important than all of this. Their relationship with God is more important than my walk to have them in my life or even to love me again. 

Each night that I pray for my family and friends I also pray that they are restored to full confidence and trust in God and fully walking in the truth, peace and love of God. I pray that their identity be stable in Christ Jesus. I pray that God fill them with Strength, patience, humility, peace, wisdom and agape love. 

When I met them that's how they were. Wise, humble, kind, filled with joy from the holy spirit. They always made me laugh and they were strong. They were focused on the Lord and they encouraged me to seek the Lord of myself. It was through their encouragement that helped me to get to where I am today. But it was the strength of God that sustained me through the fire and the "crushing." 

I don't wish them ill will. I do pray that they learn how to show love, during the times when things aren't going right in their life. I pray that for myself as well. I know that when I'm stressed and hurt I tend to take it out on others. I don't mean too, its not in me to be that way. If I'm aware of it in that moment I make sure to apologize quickly.

God is calling me to stand up in this strength that he has given me and I don't have any choice. He has moved to the side all of those who are not on my spiritual strength level or higher. I want my friends back. I want to go home. I want the love and laughter back. But, I have a duty and responsibility to be obedient to the commands of the Lord first. I know that God will restore all broken friendships, relationships and marriages in the name of Jesus. 

I have bold faith in God, his abilities and all that he has, can and will do.