Haters: See you in your dreams

I never thought that people would pay attention to me. In growing up I was never that popular anyway. I just stayed in my own little world with my books, my writings and with my music. I didn't bother anyone. Now, that I reflect I do remember always having the most trouble in the choirs. There was always so much jealousy and envy and negative energy. If the choir director felt like too many students were unhappy with me getting a lead part on a song they would give my part to another student or just cut the part all together. 

That's how I know that my voice is a gift from God. 

But...

I attended a concert. I don't go out that much like I use to, but when I hear a band that I really enjoy listening to then I make the time and effort to go support them and watch them perform. 

Then I went dancing. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to dance. Yet, the more I go out the more hate and jealousy I notice in the world. Then everywhere I go people want to control me. Men and women. 

The other thing is that I'm not a big fan of people saying "oh you look like someone that I know!" She said it as if all people of color look alike. I don't look like anyone but me, because I'm brown skin doesn't mean that I look like your brown skin friend from college. We aren't all the same, just like all the people that have white or orange or purple skin aren't the same. 

Anyway, she asked if she could take a picture with me and I told her no. Then I watched as her true colors started to show.  She isn't the first person that I refused to take a picture with. I'm not a trophy prize. I'm not a barbie that you can just sit on the shelf. I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you don't get your way. People are so immature. They think that just because they have money or because they have ten billion friends when they only hang out with five of them that they can run the world. 

No. You can run the world in your head but you aren't going to run any world that I'm apart of. 

Go throw your tantrums with someone else. 


I told the girl that I'm sorry that I don't want to take a picture and then I told her that Jesus loved her and she stormed off like a raging bull showing her drunk guy friend the middle finger. That's what happens when people get plastered. They lose that filter that they were taught through socialization into having and they start showing their true colors. I watched her huff and puff until she disappeared out the door, laughing the whole time. Then I continued to dance.

Then the guy that she was with, was drunk out his mind and he kept looking at me like he wanted to eat my face off. He tried to ask me why she was upset and I just shrugged my shoulders and kept dancing. It is true the more confident I get in my walk with Jesus Christ, the more haters I find that I have. 

And they come in all shapes and sizes. 

Sometimes I get those really "cutesy" chicks who smile in your face and say how pretty you are, but the second you turn your back they make some rude and off hand comment. I give them a look and they smile back because they know that I know or either they are too drunk to realize that I know and think they are getting away with being hateful. 

Smiling

I can't even smile at a man because then he will magically create this fantasy of he and I being in a relationship. I had a lot of guys during the concert think they were being cute and funny by dancing in my space, making sly remarks, pretending that they were going to grab me. A couple of times on the dance floor this guy kept dancing in my space. He just would not scoot over, even after I asked him nicely if he would. No one else was doing it, so why was he? Oh, he was trying to impress his friends. That's sad.  

I love all people. I associate with all types of backgrounds and walks of life, because I like to learn. But I find that "white" people seem to think that they are entitled to have the best of everything and they really start to show it when they get drunk. I guess they don't except me, as a woman of color to like pop music and rock music. So when they see me they sometimes look at me like "what are you doing here?" And I just smile and go on about my business. 

One girl gave me an offhanded complimented saying "wow, you are so skinny. why are you so small?" She was trying to be funny, poor thing was drunk out of her mind and she looked ratchet ass hell. She smiled the whole time she was trying to insult me. Then she wanted to give me a hug as if that meant I accepted her insult. Then after I let her show out. I told her, "you aren't that much bigger than I am" and her face dropped. And she started to deny it. And make all these excuses about how she was bigger than me as if that was something to be proud of. Insecurities are horrible. 

When you don't love yourself you will always look ugly, no matter what. 

That's another thing when people see you shining they will do anything to lower your self esteem. They will try to sow seeds of doubt in your mind that you aren't pretty. That's why you have to know who you are in Christ Jesus. 

Anyway, the concert was great as always. It was just some of the crowd was snotty and uptight and that's not me. 

That's why I keep my support team close because they have seen all sides to me and still loved me at my worst. They knew that I was going through transitions but they stuck by me anyway and helped me through it. 

So, yeah it is nice going out and meeting new faces but I'm always thankful for the people that were there from the beginning. And I'm always watching. Always.