I'm so close to a breakthrough that I can feel it.
I let my mind play tricks on me, because I felt like I wasn't where I am suppose to be. But, God would not keep me here if he did not mean for me to be here. I know that much. I have met some really amazing men and women of God. They are on fire for Gods love like me! When I get around them and my candle light seems low. They just know what to say or to do to set it back aflame again. The only thing is that I have to keep my might burning bright. I can not let the devil blow it out!
The first day of classes:
I was partly nervous, walking into the school knowing that I had 22 students in one class to learn all their names and then about 14 in the other class to learn names of as well. Phew! I just start calling them, "sweetheart and young lady and young man" instead lol But God is good and he got me through the first day without any major complications.
I don't know why children were placed on my heart. I never grew up wanting to babysit or even be around babies, but somehow when I get around children I transform into a completely different woman. I'm every bit like the virtuous woman that is described in proverbs 31. And most importantly I'm happy.
We did arts and crafts. I took them outside. I took them to lunch. I pretty much just helped out as much as I was needed. The first class is of kindergartners. They are a sassy bunch, but such a joy to be around.
The second class I go to is pre-k's. There are only a couple of them that get fresh from time to time, but most of them are still crying for their mommies and daddies. In that class they have nap time and that's when I come in to make sure that they are not kicking their neighbor in their sleep or talking.
I was pretty happy when the first day ended. Overall it was a good day.
The second day of classes:
I started out the day with a lot on my mind. I know that the "unexpected event" was not due to because I did not love enough, because before the unexpected event I loved them as best as I knew how. I'm not use to a man treating me kindly. I'm not use to men thinking much of me at all. So, when I met them my shield was up and there was a force field around my heart. But such is life, that when you trust a man, they end up breaking your heart for reasons that sometimes they don't even know themselves. "I care about you, but I also don't care enough to not break your heart..." And such is life from there....
That's why we have to be very careful about what we say to people and how we say it. When you say you love someone you better mean it or else you will be held accountable. But that goes for everything, even if you say hateful words or sow seeds of discord too. I don't tell people that I love or care about them unless I mean it and I also don't call everyone friend. Not everyone that smiles in my face has my best interest at heart. So I have to tap into the gift of discernment and wait for God to give me directions.
I do remember that I asked God to teach me how to love as Christ did and maybe this is that lesson. I have had quite a few low points since the "unexpected event" that almost took me over the edge. But, I rebuke depression and negative thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ. I have to keep praying. I also have step outside of my ego and humble myself and ask for help. I can not do this alone. I hunger and I thirst for God to set me on the path to my destiny. To the plan that he has just for me, because I know that it will be Great and I know that I will be able to positive influence many lives with it.
While I'm going through the fire, it is much more than just going through every day regular routine. You also have to make a conscious effort to take yourself out of the situation and to be thankful and praise God for who you have in your life and what you have in your life. I can tell you that God sent me angel to minister to my heart, because God knew that I would need someone who was able to talk my language. I use to wear my heart on my sleeve and I was the sweetest thing that you could ever meet and know. But, then I died one too many times and I allowed blackness to erode any sweetness that was left and now God needs for me to put it all back. Everything. And boy, he is dealing with my heart but it has not been very easy! lol But I know that God will work it out. I have faith in that.