My flesh said "That's messed up that he would break up with me when I'm in such a critical transition, when I needed him the most spiritual and emotionally. After saying I love and care about you, you are just going to run away when things get tough are you SERIOUS????????????????????????????????????"
But, then I had to stop myself and say wait... hold on just one second.
You asked for a boyfriend but you didn't not say how long you wanted one. You also wanted to get out of NC and God sent a man that did love you and care about you for a time to help you feel comfortable enough to venture out on your own.
But, as soon as God blessed my life with a man that I could love and be loved by, what did I do? I put him on a pedestal and I started to focus more on him than on God.
We have to remember that God is a jealous God. He wants all our love and all our attention and he will keep us in any situation that is unfavorable or unpleasant or he will not move us to the next level in our walks with Christ until we learn the lesson: To focus our attention, passion etc only on him. To seek him wholeheartedly for everything.
When that hit me, I instantly knew why things were not working out. But then they started saying things like "we just don't match" and "you annoy me when you do this or do that" and instantly I knew that, those were negative spirits saying those things. See, when you have a high calling on your life to be used by God for his glory! The devil, the enemy, will do whatever he can to distract you from what God wants you to do. He will use your loved ones against you to hurt you so bad, that you will have days of serious depression and all you can think about doing is ending your life...
People don't think that it hurt me that much, but they don't know how I love. And if I write it, then it is as true to my feelings as I am brown skin. So there is no lie when I say it.....
But the devil is liar and a defeated foe and I rebuke his tricks and lies in the name of Jesus Christ, the son of the living the God.
I know that the man God sent to help me loves and or cares about me because he would not have stuck around this long to help me out. But sometimes he wants all the credit for him having the ability to help me when really that credit belongs to God. See, I don't think in the physical nearly as much as I use to. When things are chaotic and my heart feels an immense pressure and nothing seems to be going right. I know that is a spiritual attack.
I was stuck for two years, sitting around in NC wasting my life away. Trying to find a job here and there. I was so frustrated. I was so tired. I wanted out, but I heard God say, "hang in there." Then he sent the boyfriend, then he sent an angel friend who could guide me through the fire, then God took the boyfriend away, but allowed for the angel friend to stay, not too close but just close enough that I could still call them for spiritual support.
I have no regrets about meeting him. I loved him when I was lower than the lows. I felt like I was going nowhere and when I did not have a job, not a dollar to my name, stressed out etc I focused my attention on loving and caring about him. The boyfriend. But see that's how God wants me to be toward him. He wants me to love him and cry out to him when I'm at my lowest of lows, stuck and confused. Only! Yet, God used "the boyfriend" to help me get out of my situation. Then God had to humble the boyfriend so he would not think that he would know that it was all GOD who provided him with all that he had.
That's another thing, when we are not thankful for what we have, God will take it away. Yet, my situation wasn't a case of not being thankful. It was a case of me putting my passion and praise into a man and not into God....
I don't know what the future holds, if God puts us back together for his glory so be it. But, at first I pined for that day to come sooner than later and now I am anxious for nothing. I will continue to pray for him and to wish him the very best. I will not forgot that when I was with him it was one of the most happiest moments in my "dating" life. I was happy. Happier than I had been in that two years prior to meeting him.
I was able to learn a lot from him: Wisdom, Patience and humility.
And I hope that he was able to learn something from me....
Passion, Love and persistence (consistency)
I know that he is happy that I am finally moving out of this situation and into one that is better. I know that he is happy to finally have his own space back. No matter how truth is given it is still truth, and that truth is that we just have two different methods of praising God. I'm passionate and he is reserved, but it doesn't make either one of them more right or less right than the other.
Yet, see, for a few weeks I noticed a change. That the more I got closer to God the more he seemed repulsed by the sight of me. That's another way I knew that it was not him but a negative spirit had tainted the Love of God in him. Before, he would have never let any hateful word come out of his mouth to me.
Even when I was in my "diva" mode he still had the patience of a lamb. When I didn't understand or cried to him he tapped into the wisdom that God gave him and no matter what I needed he Gave it freely.... but when unexpected situations happen that's when you need to be praying and praising God the most. We get so overwhelmed and worried about the Change that we forget to seek God for clarity on the change....
But, God is better, mightier, greater than all our problems.... and he still loves us no matter what. So, as my Father in Heaven loves me, so will I also love "the boyfriend." Despite what he did or did not do, said or did not say.
I will miss the cuddling. I will miss the kisses on the forehead and nose. I will miss the laughs, the hugs. I like affection! hahah, Yes, believe it or not I do like to give hugs and cuddle ect. Yet, I know that when God sends my husband that all of those things will be restored. But, until then I'm going to focus on being a more loving virtuous passionate woman of God.
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