He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...
In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...
When I met said man of God I was at a low point in my life. The DC trip for a week was my vacation away from the stress of the mundane cycle I was in. I did not expect to meet him. I did not expect to fall in love.
When I met him, he was passionate about God. I told him that I did not want to have anything to do with him. I made it clear that I was not interested and still he continued to pursue me. He said that he saw a light about me. I said that he, speaking from my spirit was patient, wise and humble man of God and that he was called to be a leader.
The truth is that when things were going well in his life, he was passionate on fire for God. I was not. Then when things started to go well in my life, I became more passionate and on fire for God. And he declined.
When he came to visit me in NC I was so shocked. He paid for everything. He took me out, got my hair done. We had such a good time. I was happy, with him but I wasn't happy with my situation. I wanted to be able to have money to "big ball" too.
But I found out that, my most happiest moments with him were the simple ones. The ones where we would just sit and cuddle and watch a movie or TV. The ones where he would wrap his big warm arms around me and kiss me on my forehead. I felt his heart beat through his shirt, and the rhythm of his soul made me peaceful and made me sleepy. I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt loved. He was like the teddy bear that I never got to have as a child. Instead I got a lion lol
But, what I realized is that I can not be with any man who does not match my fire and passion for God. I said that in the beginning and I say that now. I see myself as a Queen through Christ, so I carry myself a certain way. Some think it is "self righteous" attitude, but no. It is just that I remember and recognize what Christ did for me to me free and re-connect me back to his Father.
I like to remember him as the humble, patient and wise man of God. He and I were good together, he played his role and I tried to play mine but at first I couldn't get over not being in control. I didn't know how to let him be the man (since I had never had a real man in my life before), then when I finally figured out how to let him be the man, it was too late and he was already rejecting the love of God in me. He had an unexpected event happen in his life, then he took it out on me, by removing the connection that he and I had built. And no one defended me when my heart was bleeding , because I did not have any friends in the area. It only bled because of the promise that he made to my god sister about taking care of me. And it only bled because he looked me in the eyes and asked, "Do you trust me?" And I (not having trust in any man) said yes... because I thought that he would protect the love of God in me.
But then when I realized that he still had old ties to his past. I knew that it would not work, because it is disrespectful to start a new relationship when you have not officially closed the door to your old one. You don't have any kids together, so what is the connection?
Then when I thought about it further, I realized that in some way he used me as a distraction. A placeholder to fill the void until whoever his heart really wanted to be with came back. He called me beautiful, told me I was sweet. Thanked God that he met me... yet, when things started to go rough in his life all of that went straight out the window. And instead of finding me cute and fun. He found me annoying. Instead of wanting to embrace Gods love in me. He rejected it. The worst part about the whole thing is that I really didn't have anyone to talk to about the situation. No one that could help me make sense of what was going on. He was the one that had all the answers that I needed.
But, when he used God as a means to break up with me. I knew that he was not the man that he had puffed himself up to be. The truth was that he couldn't handle me. When he could no longer "big ball" and be the "big man on campus" I saw right through all of it. His cover was blown and instead of admitting it, he lashed out at me for exposing it, for wanting to know the truth.
The difference is that I was happy with him, not with just what he could offer. I was not impressed with his car or his money or his light up shoes. I was impressed with his heart for God. But he was so focused on his ego, that he forgot about God. So God had to shake him awake and remind him who is really in charge.
I'm glad I"m at a peaceful place where I can write about that experience. I tried to write about it before but my emotions were too involved so my writing voice was not clear.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm wanting to be married before I'm 30.
I want to be engaged before my birthday this year, which is in December.
So, when I do pray for a husband the first thing is that:
1. He has to know who he is through Christ. In otherwise, a king needs to be with a queen.
2. God first before clothes, relationships, cars etc
3. Passionate on fire, warrior for Gods love. I should not see my husband sitting down on his praise for God. I should see him get excited, and thanking God for his many blessings!
4. My husband has to be a spirit boxer. A gladiator for Christ. A warrior for Gods love. Because I'm in the business of Spiritual warfare. So he has to be fearless and bold when it comes to praying off spirits and casting out demons etc.
There are other things, but those are the main ones for now. There are others. I decided to write out a physical list of what type of Husband I want, so I can give it to God and once I do all I have to do is sit back and wait for God to send him to me. I know that I would make a great wife and mother one day, but I can not be with a man who can not see, nor has a desire to protect the love of God in me.
The enemy wants to take me out, because I have a high calling on my life. So, I need a man in my life who is strong enough to stand beside me on the battlefield and fight, with the word of God. Through the good and the bad. The high and the lowest of moments.
To God be the glory!
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