They fill your head in college with a false anticipation and or hope that once you get your degree you are set. Oh! once you have your degree you can get a GOOD paying job (define good paying?) and then you can live the life you want. I bought into that dream too. But I bought into it because I wanted to learn.
I was a fish to a worm hook. I got my mouth caught on the hook because I was too ambitious. They sell you book smarts, but really all the things that teachers teach, you can LEARN for yourself. You just have to go to the library and look it up for yourself.
Sometimes I meet people who don't have any degree at all but they are the smartest, most wise of people that I know. They speak with confidence and eloquence and they always "keep it real." Whether it is nice or pretty truth. They make sure to share it. I respect that kind of life. A life of walking in truth.
Its always exciting when you have an interview. Your hope is always somewhat a little bit too high. You go in with a "positive" attitude. "I'm going to get this job!" "I will get this job!" "This job is mine!" You are speaking positive energy into the atmosphere. So you are ready set to go!
I even went to so far as to have my god mother pray with me. I went to the interview and everything went great. The interview was smooth. I prayed the entire time, fasted for as long as I could without passing out.
Then I got the email. Anticipating running high! Excitement! Did he pick me? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Then it reads something like: "Sorry, we didn't pick you. Good luck in your job search..."
Why didn't he pick me?
And that's the answer that you will never get. Even when you ask them they will still give you a bs answer that caters to them not feeling like the "bad guy."
I'm at a point in my life where I have followed the "rules" enough. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. I'm tired of reminding people that God made me the total package so let's make money off of me while I still have the looks and desire to do this...
But everyone around here just sits on their asses and wastes their life away. Waiting and hoping for a chance that will never arrive. I'm tired of waiting. So I'm going to make my own path.
I'm tired of being good, nice, kind, PATIENT, PATIENT and then nothing ever happens and then when it does happen something bad is always attached to it. So hell, if bad things are going to happen to me anyway might as well choose the ones that I want to walk in, you know?
I can't keep sitting in north Carolina wasting my life away. If I was married or had children that would be a different story. The worst part is that people here only support me half heartedly. They support the modeling side but not the scientist analyzer side. The side that I want people to most remember about me is the scientist side.
How can I be a more loving person if I feel trapped in this hell hole? If I'm always doing the same things. Seeing the same faces. Many of my friends had chances to have money, to travel to be in relationships longer than a year and half. The only living that I have done is partying and drinking etc I want to do have experiences that NO ONE else will have. I know that GOD is always with me and he is the only one that can come with me on this journey.
Some might say that it is selfish of me to just get up and leave, but then I say that it is selfish of them to want me to stay. "But you will get hurt?" "There is danger out there!" Well if I get hurt then guess it was in GODs will for me to get hurt. Well, if I DIE guess it was in Gods will for me to DIE.
I need to go to a place where my beauty is appreciated and not looked at as a sickness nor a deformity. Where people don't just stare at me and not speak. Where people actually appreciate having me around.