I'm going through a lot of changes. Even ones that I'm not sure I understand. The transition I find myself moving in is that of a healing priestess. That is what I pray that God grants me permission to do. I don't know, if it is possible to ask God for something like that, but it has been on my heart and in my mind for the longest time.
Many people associate priestess with pagan practices, but as a healing priestess through Christ I will use the word of God to protect, guide and comfort his people. I never felt so strong about participating in those activities. I had that compulsion to do that even when I was in my young teens. I said it, then and I say it now almost ten years later.
I'm not really sure what God has planned for this life, but I do know that I can't sit around here and wait for something to happen.
I had to sell my car, so that I could have the money to travel to NoVa. So that is all the money that I have. I'm putting all my trust and faith and hope in God to make away for me to finally find stability. A home. My own.
The truth is that I'm tired of getting "moved around." I'm tired of never having anywhere to "stay" permanently. I'm tired of feeling that a guest in someone's house instead of a resident. I need a home. I need the feeling of having a home. My own room. My own bed. My own place to go when the world is too much to handle.
My grandmother. My godmother. Even my second eldest aunt have been very helpful while I'm on this journey. Yet, it makes me feel bad that I can't give back to them properly because I do not have the means too at the moment, but God is fixing that too.
I know that people should pray for material things, but I asked God if he would show me a life of "luxury" or a life where I am financial stable and comfortable. I never had a lot of money before. I never came close to being a millionaire. I would like to know what it is like to have a lot of money. I want to experience the feelings behind it. What it can do and I want to see if my heart of compassion will change or if I will stay the same.
It is very evident that I don't "fit in" with the family that I was born into. I knew that I was going to be different the second I lost my mother. Since, losing I have never had "stability" for very long. I was always getting shipped off somewhere. One house to the next. I'm always in transition. I never get to sit down somewhere and just bask in the peace of God. So I had to learn to have peace even in transition.
People have a hard time identifying with how I feel because most of their lives all they know is the bed and the room that they grew up in, until they go to college, graduate, get a good paying job and then get their own place. At least that is how things are "suppose to go." But not everyone has a story like that.
I'm not writing this down because I want you to feel sorry for me. I'm writing this down so that you will know that there is another side to "pretty." That people forget. They assume that just because I'm "beautiful" that, that automatically means that I get the best of everything in life. Quite the opposite at times. I normally get all the "crappy" cards and then life tells me to "make do."
But for once, I want God to bless me with some good cards. And now that I reflect back he has and he is.
I wish there was someone who could understand exactly what I'm going through, but all most people can do is empathize. Tell me they are "sorry to hear that" and then walk away. In realistic terms that just makes me feel worse because I know that they can't do anything to help, which is why I stick to writing blogs, poetry, short stories, novels etc
I'm not perfect by any means. I'm just a normal person trying to find a way to help in the world. There is already so much hate, drama, pain, misery. Why not rise above it and be a blessing to someone else's life? If people thought that way (less selfish) then maybe things would be different. But no one cares about compassion until they need it in their life and that's what makes people selfish.