Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Spiritual Journey Two: Home Away From Home

I'm a writer. When something is on my heart, it is on my heart heavy and I have to write in order to relieve my heart of that heaviness. I don't sugarcoat the truth for anyone and I don't expect people do that for me either. 

I should be sleeping. But my sleeping patterns still need to be changed. 

I like it here. I attend a church that is powerful. It grows in members each Sunday. It is called New Beginnings Christian Church. They have a powerful praise team! The pastor is lively and passionate. All the members are friendly and supportive. There is so much love in everyone there...

Yet, I still feel different. 
I still feel like I don't really fit in.
I can tell that I'm different anyway, just by the way people look at and speak to me. It is not such a bad thing, but it is just that I notice it. They look at me, as if they are surprised that I am a real person lol

I have to say that I miss my church family back in NC, because at least there I didn't feel "different." I don't know what the difference is, but I just know that there is one.

I do know that here I'm more active than I was back. I also, know that here God has called me to step out of my shell tremendously. Here, I'm on fire for God. I'm passionate. I'm outspoken. I'm confident in God all the way. Here, I'm not afraid to be "on fire" for God the way I was in NC. I have grown so much since being home just a week ago. 

The only thing that makes this situation unpleasant is that now I'm the ex gf. It would have been better if that would have come about after I got on my feet or if it would have happen before I even decided to come here in the first place. 

I have a job here, which I'm excited about officially starting when the school year here starts. There are doors opening for me to babysit to make even more money and even doors for me to work at a top company like I wanted to do before. So, many doors are opening, I just want the right door to open so it can launch me out of this hole and into a stable environment. 

It is only by the grace of God that I'm able to handle this situation. How embarrassing and how awkward, to one day be introduced as the gf to all the family and church members and then next day be introduced as the ex gf. The most horrible part about it is that I can't run away, because I don't have anywhere else to go. Nor, do I really know and trust anyone else except my now ex bf. 

But, God always sends people to love me during the worst of times. I made a new friend who I randomly met when I went for a walk the other day. She has been more than supportive. She loves to pray like me. So sometimes we pray together. 

I have cried so much since I have been here. I have wanted to die countless times, but each time I wanted to go run and hide in my cave God always found a way to bring me out again. 

I am very thankful for all the help and support that my ex bf has shown thus far. I'm happy that he introduced me to his family, church family and friends. So, I do feel like a have a home away from home, somewhat, even if I feel "different" still.

I just wish that he and I were back to the way we were. A couple on fire for God, dedicated to loving and praising God. He strong man of God: patient, wise, humble, brave
And I strong woman of God: loving, compassion, kind and brave. 

I saw us together as an unstoppable couple dedicated to following Christ and defending Gods Love. I was so happy. I was so excited. But, now I have to fight alone just as I was doing way before I met him. It is very rare that I choose to have a boyfriend at all, because the majority of guys that I meet are not strong enough to handle the light, love and power of God in me. 

Right now, I'm waiting for one more confirmation from God to let me know if I should stay here or not. Yes, doors are opening up but I'm not happy here anymore. I want to go somewhere else where I can start all over. And even have the chance for God to send my husband. I highly doubt that God would send my husband with me stuck in this situation right here... so I need to get out of it. 

I'm not really needed anyway by him, since he has his parents, bestfriend and all his church family and friends. So, I'm still asking God what is my purpose here? Some days he treats me nicely. We joke around and have fun. Just like we never broke up. Then other days, he is so distant that it breaks my heart all over again. As if, he blames me for the unexpected events that happen to him. Its almost like he is punishing me with an unexpected event by breaking up with me in the middle of one of the biggest transitions in my life, all because he had an unexpected event befall him. 

If, God opens the door for me to run. Then I'm going to take it and never look back. I can't deal with not being able to share love, with the man who looked me in the eyes and asked: "Do you trust me?" I said yes, and the one time in a long time that I put my heart out there and started to trust again, is the one time that my heart got broken. He asked me to trust him, and I gave it a try. But now you see why I don't trust men because they say one thing and then do another. 

But, God is in control of it all. And granted I'm not perfect either, but I certainly would never mislead anyone by saying that I love them, in a certain way when I really don't.           


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