I'm not here to sugarcoat the truth and tie it in a pretty bow and feed it to you on a gold plate. This is a part of my testimony. It is the realest of the real. One of the most painful. But I'm not dead, so God still has work for me to do:
This isn't the first time that a guy did this to me. The very first time everything was set in order for me to meet his mother and little sister. He came down to see me, so he could get approval from my grandmother. My grandmother told me not to go, but she gave her blessing anyway. Then I got to Florida and the ball was in his court.
He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He would come home from long hours of work and just drink and then fall asleep. I would try to get up really early and make breakfast, get dolled up and look pretty. And he would just walk out the door without acknowledging my existence. I cried so hard. I cried myself to sleep often. I couldn't get home because I had used the last funds in my account to get a train ticket to go back with him.
The strange thing was that on our way to Florida, it was perfect. Something straight out of fairy-tale. But, then when he got me to himself his true colors started to show. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to open the window and just let my body fall until all I could feel was the hard cement indent into my bones. But, instead I cried. I felt so alone. I was afraid. I was scared. What he told me was "I'm just not feeling it anymore..." All because he was still in love with his ex. He had been trying to win her back and even saw her and went on dates with her the whole time that I was staying with him. What was even more disrespectful he started talking to other women, and "going to work" for long periods of time, when he was really going on dates with other women.
When he finally made up his mind to help me get back to NC. He said that he loved me and that we would stay in touch. But I knew that was a lie. Men always lie to me. That's why I don't think much of them in the first place. Its their indecisiveness that makes my blood boil. How dare you look me in the eyes and say that you love me and then turn around and distance yourself emotionally from me, when I need your support the most? But, this is the second time and the last time this will ever happen to me. God doesn't like ugly and last time I heard he wasn't doing so well.
I try to tell the men that find interest in me to not break my heart, because when they do bad things always happen to them. My heart is not my own. It belongs to God all the way. So when you break my heart. You also break Gods heart too.
Men think I'm stupid, like I don't know what is REALLY going on. But, I have studied men long enough to know their behavior patterns. That's why I don't give men the time of day and even when I start dating again, I'm going to make sure that the next man I date is a man fully dedicated, committed, free from baggage, on fire, powerful man of God!
Some would just say that I should get over the whole break up and move on with my life. Yet, how can I when I have to look at the face of the man who stabbed me in the heart every single day?
I lost weight since I have been here.
I'm not happy.
My heart is broken.
I feel out of place.
I'm tired all the time.
I cry myself to sleep most nights.
If I would have known that he would even have the slightest doubt about being with me I never would have come here.
Now, that I am here I am stuck because I don't know anyone and I don't have any trasportation to get around and even if I did I wouldn't really know where I was going.
I'm stuck in a new world, with my ex bf and half a heart to live off, but I'm making due because I'm leaning on Gods strength not my own.
I think I'm suppose to be here just to pray with him, encourage him until he gets on his feet again. And once he does, then I'm going to disappear.
I don't go around telling people that I love them and that they want to be with someone and then break up with them right when things are at the roughest. I told him that I was a handful when he met me. But it was my stupid fault for not testing his spiritual strength. I was just so excited to have a boyfriend that was passionate about God like me, that I forgot about everything else.
I could run to the arms of another man, it would be so much easier. I could just find a new boyfriend and pour all my love and attention into him and then I could move on. This situation would be a distant memory. But, I met a lot of people who are on fire for Gods love like me. Things seem to be flowing in order now.
I miss the connection we had on that boyfriend and girlfriend level. The feeling of knowing that your man is going to protect you and do whatever he can to make you happy.
I don't know how I am able to stay here and see his face every day, but when I said I loved him I meant every word. When I said that I would take a bullet for him, I meant that too. When I said that I would stay in the gap and intercede on his behalf I meant that as well.
I don't love him with my own fleshly desires, I love him with the love of God in me. It is unconditional. Overflowing. Unstoppable. Powerful.
Even while I'm here, I'm still praying that God will quickly place me in a position of stability. So that I can meet my husband one day soon. I'm ready to be a wife. I know it should be the one of the furthest things from my mind, but it is my hearts desire.
He wants to be friends, but I can not accept that. How do you go from "baby" "honey" "sweetheart" to "hun" to nothing at all?
He is part of the reason why I probably won't date again. This situation is highly awkward and uncomfortable for me. And there isn't anything I can do. I just want to run away. I'm praying that God will open a door for me to escape. The people here are lovely. They all love God, but this situation makes not want to stay here.
It hurts me that he doesn't want me. It hurts that he thinks of me as a friend when just last week, he saw me as more. It hurts that now, he can't even tell me that he loves me. But, God is going to fix it. And when I'm gone I'm not coming back. There will be a time when he will want to find me and I won't be around. But, all my hope and trust are in God. And I know that God will turn my pain and brokenness and use it for his glory!