Friday, December 11, 2015

Reclaiming Of Life: "Get Your Happy"

I guess, wanting to live your own life and make choices that make you happy is what some would call: rebellion.

I spent too much time watching people who I looked up too and even considered to be friends, mentors and advisers make the same mistakes over and over. Yet, when I made a similar mistake they would tear me down and criticize me. So, I had to get tough. I accepted everything they said as truth. I didn't get any second opinions nor did I do any research on the topic. I just assumed that because they were in my life, they were older and had my life experience that they knew best. I also assumed that they had my best interest at heart...

But, then I started to notice something unusual...

Whenever I would speak, they never took me very seriously. Each time I had an opinion about something they would laugh or tell me that I wasn't acting in the "right spirit." So, just because I don't always agree with you I'm somehow considered "bad" "unruly" "not close to God."

I followed my mentor around whenever and wherever they wanted to go. Anything they said I never questioned I just followed. I was loyal, because I was starved for some kind of motherly affection that being around them provided.

They put everyone else and everything else before, believing that I would always be around.
I'm like a boomerang, I'll always come back, right? Well, no not this time. I finally decided to take control of my life and my own happiness. I was appreciative for the kindness that they showed when I felt like I had no one else in my corner, but now that I am stronger, more confident in the gifts and abilities that I was blessed with, I no longer need their guidance.

I wanted to be strong like my mentor. I wanted to walk in wisdom, beauty, confidence and strength just as they did, but being around them held me back. I felt limited. I felt controlled. I felt restricted. Then the worst part I sat and listened to them talk daily about all that they use to have and use to do and I started to wonder: "Why don't you have any of those things now? What are you doing to try and get those things back?"

I started to notice a pattern, nothing was changing. I heard the same stories over and over. Then I watched them fall for the same tricks over and over. I told myself I don't want to be like, making the same mistakes over and over, playing myself like a fool when I know that I know that what I want will not happen, not because I'm a bad person but because the other party does not desire to rise to the same level as I. So, I cut people off. It was hard at first, because I was so loyalty to people who were only in my life out of convenience.

Do, I miss them? Sometimes. But, I don't miss watching them spiral into a depression because someone that they cared for didn't call them back for the hundredth time. I don't miss talking about all the modeling, art, acting projects that never got done because no one put any real time, commitment nor effort into completing them. I also, don't miss being pushed the side, having my intelligence belittled or being made to be "social" when I did not feel like it. If, I did not speak up when company was around they assumed that there was something wrong with me. Yet, what they failed to realize was that I was observing, and taking notes on everything.

When people are fanatics about any religion they tend to want you to be as enthusiastic as they are and if you are not then they assume that you are "possessed" by a negative spirit or something similar. HAHAHA No, there were many times when I was just tired, exhausted from all the loudness and drama that they kept going on. But, anytime they were up, I had to be too or else there was something wrong with me...
So, I cut them off and out of my life for good this time.
Why should I be associated with people who really don't have my best interest at heart?
This is my life and I don't have to do nor be around anyone that I don't want to.
I have grown so much since then that the thought of going back and associating with them, would feel like I was regressing. I want to be around people who are trendsetters, movers and shakers, passionate and professional. I want to be around people who keep their word when they say that they are going to "help me in the industry" and not just tell me stories about what they use to do. I want to be around people who have my back no matter what situation I find myself in.

The odd thing is that they didn't even notice that I had deleted them from my main social media site, until recently, so that let's me know that they were not very concerned about having me in their life to being with. They tried to contact me one or twice, but it was never to speak about any reflecting they may have done since we last spoke. All, I wanted was for them to acknowledge that they were in the wrong, but I guess pride and years of always being the one to say, "I told you so" makes you set in your ways.

I'm not bitter. I'm not upset. I just don't feel like being bothered with people who don't have my best interest at heart, nor people who don't aspire to do and be better for themselves.

Like, I said this is my life and I'm finally standing and walking in bold confidence in who I was created to be. I'm no longer apologizing for being me. I'm no longer apologizing for how I feel, nor what I think or believe. I'm living my life. I'm "Getting my happy" and I hope that they do the same. I really do.

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