First: Just because I give a guy attention does not mean I want to be their girlfriend. If I don't say it. If that is not what I am asked about. Then it does not exist. Men are funny about that. They assume that just because you want to hang out with them that you like them more than just a friend. And there are times when I do and there are times when I just enjoy their company because I'm not a big fan of hanging out with a lot of females. Too much unnecessary catty drama. Strangely enough. I would rather hang out with a ground of gay men because at least they will keep it real to your face!
The only thing that I can do is write until I feel better or my mind finally gets exhausted.
I honestly don't know why I even bother wasting my time being their friend, doing little nice things for them or thinking about them at all. It is very obvious that they can not "see me" nor do they wish too.
I know that they have so much more to say to me but they always hold back. Sometimes I wish they would just tell me to go away so that I can really have a reason to cut them out.
In any other life I wouldn't even acknowledge them, but there is something in their spirit that is gentle. It reminds me of my childhood days when I felt free. When I felt as if there were no rules.
I don't like that they don't appreciate me. I hate that they chase after other women and seek their attention when they are just going to end up rejected and or disappointed. I hate that they put themselves in a position to get rejected and be disappointed when I'm right there! I already appreciate who they are. I already love them. But that doesn't seem to be enough.
I use to seek them before the "fall" for comfort. Then I sought them for wisdom because I wanted to learn. I still enjoy listening to them talk about different scriptures and such. They explain them in a way that I can understand.
I feel like if we didn't talk for like a year that we could meet up again and start the conversation where we left off. I only had one friend like that before.
But I wish they understood how much it hurts me when they dismiss me or fail to appreciate the love, light and kindness that GOD placed inside of me to share. They always assume that I visit because I'm trying to control them and or possess them.
Why would I do that when I don't like for others to do that to me?
In my old life I did not recognize that I acted like that because it was always being done to me so I felt comfortable in it. Until I started wanting to learn and grow in my walk with Christ. The more I fell in love with Truth the more the men of the world wanted to possess and control me. When I discovered that, I told myself that that wasn't going to work on for me on either ends.
I also know that possession and control do not work because Unconditional Love does not possess and it does not control.
Unconditional Love says: That I love you, no matter what changes you go through.
They said that they didn't think that anyone knew what love was or that they didn't it was real. But I had to disagree because I KNOW that UNCONDITIONAL love exists because it is what I feel for them. I know that it has to be that because it can't be anything else.
They don't want anything that I want. They aren't even my type when it comes to dating. But because I have seen them swim in agony before and because when they were at their lowest of lows I sat there and listened to them talk until they fell asleep. And because I was there when their heart was broken and tears came to their eyes. I don't ever want to see them hurt again.
That shouldn't make them not appreciate me, but they are so engrossed in their own life that they don't take enough time to reflect. So I pray that GOD reminds of where they use to be to where they are right now and who they have in their life right now.
I pray they learn to appreciate where they are in life.
I should have cut this friendship off a long time when they broke my heart and almost "killed" me. They don't understand that when they hurt me they also disrespect and hurt GOD that when they don't appreciate the light and love in me, they essentially say that they don't appreciate the beauty that God created.
I pray they get stronger in their walk with Christ, but maybe it might really take me going away for a long time. Like a year or two for him to appreciate me. I know that it would break my heart to be away from them for that long. I had trouble with two weeks to almost three months.
But I can't keep associating myself with someone who doesn't appreciate the light and love of GOD in me. He never tells me. He acts like I'm such a bother all the time. He treats me the way his ex wife treats him and that's not fair. Because I was there when she stepped all over his life, cheated etc
I was there trying to help him pick up the pieces. I will admit that my motivation were not always correct. I did not always do it in the right spirit. But at the core of who I am and who I always been since I discovered that I have "two heart" (mine and my mother's) I genuinely wanted him to be okay and loved him.
It is the peace between us that keeps me sticking around. And the truth in that peace that helps me to grow in my walk with Christ. They don't know how much they have helped. I never verbally express it but I try to do nice things for them to remind them of just how much they are appreciated. Even if they don't return the favor. It sucks sometimes but all of this is practice for not only when God sends my husband but also how to walk in Unconditional Love.
Right now I know how to walk in it, but I'm working on learning how to walk in it CONSISTENTLY and when I finally learn to do that through Christ I will be Unstoppable! Unshakable!
To GOD BE THE GLORY!