And even when I came here, and he, the man I love, released me to the vultures and lecherous beasts of the world without an explaination. God gave her the strength to nurse me back to life...
I could not speak. I knew that I had a spirit of depression on me was so strong. I was suffocating in my own pain, drowning in my own sorrow. God, sent her at just the right time. He is always on time and thank God for sending her to rescue me that night or else I would not be alive to tell this story. Yes, that's how strong it was... strong enough to make me forget all about loving Gods people. Strong enough to make me forget about everything...
I knew that she was tired of listening to me speak about why he broke up with me. I wanted answers. I knew she had them, but she wouldn't tell me. Why? Because there was no answer to give. She knew that there was no anwer that she could give to make me feel better again. So she sat and listened to me, over and over asking the same questions and crying over the same conclusions of: I don' t know. All over again.
When people first meet me, they are so exicted to be in my life. But, once they find out that I am not superwoman and that I carry human qualities then they start to judge and criticize my life. I bleed red blood just like you or anyone else for that matter.
Even when I had a spirit of haughtiness on me she still was patient and still showed love. There were multiple times when she could have turned her back on me. But even when I was at my lowest of lows she still gave me a hug and told me that she loved me.
The first youth explosion was the first event that she and I were together in. My soul was still heavy from greif of feeling abandoned and empty and alone. Like my bestfriend had died... but I still praised and prayed to God with what was left of my heart. I felt so bad that I could not give God all of my heart, but it was still broken at that time.
The pastor did an altar call and she and I both went up there together. I poured out my entire heart that night before the altar. So much pain, so much confusion. I wanted to lay there and die. I was so tempted, because I couldn't understand why a man would go through all of that trouble, come visit me and help me if he did not intend to stay in my life... make all these promises. Even introduce me to your family and then dump on the side of the road like I don't mean anything... Then the worst part is that I had to live with him for a short time after. I had to live with his cold shoulder, rolling eyes and immaturity. I had to live with him being indifferent to my life and treating me like a puppy. When I was out in the world, drinking and cursing he thought I was beautiful. Told me that I had to go to church every single day, stop drinking and stop cursing and now that I am finally more cleaned up and truly seeking after God, he doesn't want anything to do with my life?
No one will ever know... how painful that entire situation was. And yet, I heard everyone tell me "get over it" "move on" and it took every fiber of my being not to really go back to my old, old, old ways.
But, even when some were against me she still was patient with me. We prayed together. Then on my own I prayed just for her and her situation. And it did not surprise me that her situation got so much better and mine got so much worse.
That's how that works, when I pray for other people things happen quickly in their life and they get what they need and want.
Then her time with me became less and less and I was forced to rely more on my blogs to help me through the "uncomfortable" situation.
Then there came a point when even she got tired of my pain and she told me the very same things that everyone else against me had been saying, "just move on." So, how would you feel if you were in a state where the only person that you trusted and thought had your back treated you like crap and then cut you off from their life?
But people never truly care about what you are going through until they are going throug the exact same thing.
I accepted her words and I did not hold a grudge against her, because I knew that she was at a different place. That God had used her to be a comfort in my life and now he was moving her away.
And I cried so much, because I needed someone to understand my pain, my loneliness, my fear... but even in my pain I told God thank you for fixing her situation and put a smile back on her face.
I never met someone, other than my god family, and grandmother, who had the courage to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth about my eyes. Not attacking my character but attacking the spirit of my character.
There was a point where the 3 of us he, her and I hung out. And it was so awkward, because he acted like nothing happen and everyone was trying to act like he didn't just break up with me.
It pissed me off. So I made it worse on purpose. If I'm going to feel uncomfortable then we all are going to feel uncomfortable. It wasn't the best way to go about it... and I can not change the past. But I did apologize to her for my behavior that night.
The thing about it is, that she doesn't know me from two cans of paint. She watched one or two of my videos. Saw a couple of my pictures and instantly we were friends. But, we were closer friends when he and I were together. But, now that he decided that my life wasn't worth protecting it appears that her attention has falter somewhat too... not only becaus of that though, but also because she has a ministry that she has to get started. And she is doing more work for God and spending time with her "family." When I see her and her family together. I light up because it reminds me that prayers really do work. But, I admit that a little piece of me dies because I did all that praying only to end up alone. I shouldn't think that way, but that is always the pattern for some reason.
Every man I meet, promises that they can handle me. The only difference between this situation and the others is that he said he was a Christian. I never dated a Christian before. I don't know why I thought that dating a Christian would be any different. But now I know that Christian, atheist, buddist it doesn't matter all men who don't truly have confidence and trust in God are the same.
Anyway, I thank God for using her to nurse my spirit back to health. I also thank God that he gave her the strength to match me during the times when my flesh was wildly out of control.
I honestly, don't know why I'm still in VA but every time I try to leave something happens. So, I told myself that I would wait a week and see what God had in store. I really like the area. I really like souls4real. I really like New Beginnings Christian Church. But what I don't like, is living in the same town with the man that use to pray with me and encourage me to seek God, but now doesn't even care if I'm alive or dead...
It hurts, but God is taking care of it...
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