Thursday, June 6, 2013

Sunday Reflection: The Last Effort

I never really had love in my family after my mother died, so I sought it elsewhere. We just were never the type to say I love to one another that much or at least in growing up I was never the type to really care if they did. I now realize that saying the words "I love you" is just as important as showing them. Because if they never hear the words that go with the action then they (your family members, people you love) won't learn to associate the two concepts with one another. It is a learning process. I always knew how to do it, but I never did it because I was angry at the world for "taking away" the one person (my mother) who cared the most about my existence.

I had to come to accept that my "family" will never understand loss until they lose their mother. I pray everyday that their mother stays healthy and strong, not for my benefit because that would be selfish but so that they will have time to spend more quality time with their mother. Something that I wasn't able to do...

They are indifferent to my existence but that's okay. They have their own children and lives to worry about. But what I discovered is that in order to teach love, you have to be love. And that's what I ask God to strengthen in them and I every day. We can't connect. But there is love in being civil.

Before I met my god family, I was placed with another family: The "K's" And they are awesome. Whenever I see them its like I was never gone for that long. They always greet me with warm smiles and they always offer their help in any way that they can. At least the sisters do anyway lol In all the time that I was hanging out with them they never how important their kindness was to me. When you grow up as a island all on your own or feeling like you have to fight the whole wide world by yourself, sometimes at first the kindness of anyone scares you... but then after awhile we just "grew" on one another. I'm happy to say that, even though I don't talk to them every single day, that God did bless me with a family to show me kindness while I was going through my "wild child" transition. I am thankful. All I wanted to do was be loved and accepted by someone. I just wanted to find a place where I was free to be the "crazy lady." lol

The god family that I have now is awesome. They love me even when I don't deserve it and surprisingly it is almost as if I was meant to be apart of their family. I'm very similar to them in spirit and in heart. They are honest with me and their honesty matches my bluntness. So, I don't have to bite my tongue or lie to myself about how I really feel when I'm around them. They don't look at me strange when I walk in looking like a supermodel. They don't try to put me down or make me feel bad.

The one thing that my aunt (blood aunt) said was that "she didn't know..." and so far that has been the widely used excuse with my biological family. "We didn't know that you wanted to come..." Blah blah blah. You didn't know because you didn't ask. It is that simple.

My last effort to try and connect with them was this past Sunday. But I already know that my aunt was indifferent to my proposal. Matter of fact I picked up on that many times before, I just never said anything. She really doesn't care about me. She never really wanted to take care of me in the first place. She only did it because her mother was my guardian so she kind of felt obligated. But every time I messed up, got into trouble at school or got into a car accident or had some kind of drama in my life. She would always roll her eyes and give a heavy sigh like I was the biggest bother in the world. It cut my heart to realize that, my mothers sister(s) (because the eldest one is no different... ) could be the hateful. But God made a way out of no way to help me find his love again...

So, if they never accept me or like me I don't care because God does. And that's all that matters.

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