Many people say, "You should not post your business for everyone to see..." or "Its gossiping..."
1. My business was already noticed and "told" when I walked into church the next Sunday without him. Since he was the one that actually brought me to the church in the first place. But, since I didn't give hi the credit he got mad and that just made the spirit of hate on him that much more pissed off.
2. Its not gossiping if its about my life. If that's the case. Then every testimony that you ever have is gossiping. The events that happen are true. How they are perceived can be up for debate, but either way it is apart of my testimony. So I'm going to share it.
Most people don't like me because I'm too honest. The funny thing is that a lot of people claim that they can handle honesty and then when they meet me they get scared and runaway. Let me say this though, it takes more courage to be honest in love, than it does to be honest in cruelty. I notice that before the official break up he would never give me straight answers. I would ask him a question and he would either ignore me or just give me a half answer like "Oh, its okay." "its fine" when it really wasn't okay or fine. But after he broke up with me he was being honest all the time.
Matter of fact he didn't give a crap if he hurt my feelings in honesty or not. He was being honest but he wasn't being honest in love... if you can only be honest while being cruel that's a cowardly move. Sorry. I already played that game a few times where I was on the giver of it and the taker of it and that's not how those who claim to be Christians are suppose to act. So when I realized that, I had to start being honest in love. Hence I came up with respectful honesty in love from now on. And that's how I speak to people when I meet them. But it takes maturity to get to that point...
It was not that the break up surprised me. I knew that after the unexpected event happen that his entire personality changed. But, what hurt me the most out of everything is that he after making a promise not to leave my life and to still be there to support and encourage me, he abandon me and then cut me out of his life...
The hurt: He did this knowing that I didn't know anyone else, but him and that I didn't know my way around the city or even have any immediate means of good transportation to get to where I needed to go...
The other thing is that he used God as and excuse to break up with me. Instead of just sitting me down and telling me the truth to my face. he blamed it on God. Blamed it on church fasting (get real) and everything else and everyone else but himself. And that's pissed me off even more. Don't use God as an excuse! If you don't want me to just tell me to my face. Plenty of fish out in the sea. Had other guys lined up waiting to talk me while I was with you, yet I didn't talk to them because I was being loyal and faithful to a relationship that he didn't seem to care that much about in the first place, because if I was that easy to let go that means you never loved me. So he lied.
And if that's one thing that I can't stand is a liar and a coward.
So, dear reader let me help you put this into perspective:
What if you came home one day from work, you were tired, your back was killing you and all you wanted was a hug and some kind words passed your way and your husband or wife out of nowhere looked at you and said, "I'm leaving you..."
Your heart would beat fast and your mind would start to race with fear and questions of "why" and your entire life be turned upside down, why? because all you did was go to work so you could make money so that you could not only help yourself but help them also. But instead of hearing a "hey babe how was your day at work?" You get the cold shoulder and then you hear "I'm leaving you..."
How would that make you feel? Pretty bad huh?
Let's try another scenario:
How would you feel if you spent all day throwing a surprise birthday for your bestfriend, you had everything set up. The cake was ready all the guests were on their way with gifts. Then your bestfriend comes home from a rough day at school, work or maybe they just got in a fight with their boyfriend/gf and they scream and yell at you all because you said "hey, how was your day?!"
*sigh*
The point in both situations is that no matter what time or season it was in, it is wrong to treat people that you love and care about that way. But, most people don't learn until years later when that person is in grave just how important they were in their lives.
Some of you might be reading this thinking "she is just being dramatic..." but it won't be dramatic when it happens to you. When the person who promised to help and support you, even as a friend. When the person who looked you in the eyes and said that they loved you, when the person who stood by you during a spiritual battle and prayed with you just up and leaves you.
You ask yourself why? over and over again, but there is never any new answer. Even when I asked them why and even when I begged him to give me a truthful answer, he looked at me with annoyance and scorn and then turned his back on me... all I wanted was an explanation so that I could finally rest easy at night, but no he was too busy nursing his own wounds to care about mine...
He could have broken up with me before I got to VA or even after I got established in my new home. But he chose to do it right in the middle of one of the most critical transitions that my life has ever known. He was so busy listening to everyone else, what everyone else had to say about me that he wasn't listening to GOD. And sometimes when people in high places tell you something it doesn't always mean that it is right, you still need to seek GOD for confirmation to make sure that what they say is truth... only God has all the answers. Even the prophets only know what God gives them. So they don't know everything.
After him telling me that I need to pray more, seek GOD, read my bible more etc and then when one bad thing happens in his life he completely forgets all about God in a desperate attempt to hold on to a blessing that God gave him to use so he could help me and anyone else that he helped during that time. But he didn't see it that way. He blamed me for the loss of his blessing...
When it was really his fault for boasting in his glory. God gives his people blessings not so we can stomp around in our own glory and buy things that we don't need, but so that we can use our blessings to bless the lives of other people. But when you get arrogant, selfish and you don't want to help other people with a cheerful heart and you don't give God all the praise, honor and glory with your whole heart. Then he starts to take your blessings away...
Anything or anyone that brings joy, peace and helps you grow in your walk with Christ can be seen as a blessing. If you don't appreciate them or it God can snatch it away. Trust me I know, I have been on the side of each extreme.
In this situation, the most God cleaned me up the more hateful and distant he became. You would think that it would make him happy to see God cleaning me up. But the spirit of jealousy can be strong if you let it and that often stops people from being happy for others...
It is what it is. God still has me here. I'm not dead. If there was ever a time when I wanted to die the most, it would have been when he drove away from me after dropping off my stuff without a word of goodbye and he never looked back.
He knew that I needed him and he did not care. He was the one that wanted me to be here in the first place. Talking so much about how he couldn't wait until I got here. Then when he realized that God was taking me to new heights, that God was cleaning me up he got upset, jealous and he let the devil get into his mind and use him to reject the love of God in me and fight against me. The devil used him to try and stop my passion, and praise for God from rising. But Glory be to GOD for taking my pain and transforming it into fuel for the fire.
So, God saw that he was too weak in his spirit at the time to fight against the enemy, so God moved me to a safe house. He knows that he can not hide nor run from God. He also knows the scriptures very well. The only thing that he is not doing is walking in Gods truth.
Then he stuck a knife in the wound and twisted it by not speaking me to me for a whole month. That's right. He hasn't called, sent a text to see how I'm doing, if I need any help or anything for a month. Nothing. Just dropped me off and drove on down the road with his life, without a care in the world. He claimed that he didn't want the "responsibility" and that it (having me in his life) was too much "pressure." Yet, even though all of that transpired God has a funny way of waking people up and justice is already set in motion...
Like I said so many times before, I'm not perfect. I knew that there were things that I was doing and saying that were not right but I thought that I was coming here to have "fun." I was fussy at times and negative because I was unhappy in my situation. I wanted to be in a position to help. I didn't feel that things were happening fast enough. I was impatient. I needed a breakthrough. Then I was frustrated because I thought the original job I had here started earlier than it did. So I ended up waiting a whole month for it to start. In other words I should have came to VA in September rather than in August. That probably would have saved our relationship but oh well, I see how they operate under pressure now when things don't go their way. So Oh WELL! But God can clean up anyone for his glory, restore broken relationships and friendships and that's what I'm praying on. So I can apologize to his face for all the things I said and did. Get my soul right with Jesus Christ and move one to bigger and better things.
Yet, the one thing that I can say is that I never left his side while he was going through the fire. I didn't always have the right words to say at the right time, but I made sure to pray, to fast on his behalf. To stand in the gap and intercede on his behalf even when I was in pain and things were not going my way.
Even when he was giving me the cold shoulder and being ugly and hateful toward me for no reason. I still prayed for him... why? Because when I say I love someone, I love them no matter what life or behavioral changes they go through. It is not a romantic love, that's what we had and it was not what God wanted. No this love is Agape love, unconditional. Consistent and Constant. The way God loves us.
But, God doesn't like ugly and justice will be done in the name of Jesus Christ. SO, that he will never treat anyone, ever again for the rest of his life, the way he treated me... Its all love though, but just because your parents love you doesn't mean that you are not going to get disciplined.
1 Corinthians 11:32
But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.
Just because GOD loves his children, does not mean that he will let us get away with mistreating our brothers and sisters through Christ. You are still going to get a spiritual spanking and while I was there, I was standing in the way of the chastisement, so God had to move me out of the way. So he could have his full attention, mind, heart and soul and clean him up for his(God) glory!
Yes, God do it for your glory! Amen!
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