There is never a day that I don't thank God for the families that he has placed me in, but now I feel as if my task and purpose for the so called: "biological" family has been fulfilled.
God places me in different families for different reasons. He needed me around the "biological" family so that I could remind them of my mothers heart. But now that they have their own lives and they are too distracted and or have no want to care about me, they also reject the heart that belongs to her that lives in me....
I admit that I have to remember that I can never stay too long with anyone family, because then I won't want to leave when God calls me to move.
I have tried to have friends. I have also tried to be apart of a family but I'm a "lone" wolf what can I say... I have always been that way. Then even if I wanted to be and or feel apart I would still feel separate because no matter where I go or which family I'm placed in I'm always the "different" one. The one that doesn't quite fit anywhere... so I do the best I can and then I move on.
But here is the reason I'm writing about this...
First let me say that I rarely have dreams, but when I do I remember them very vividly. Every detail. Every feeling within that detail. It is almost as if I physically lived in the scene that I dreamt.....hmmm.
Anyway...
I had a dream that I walked out of my grandmothers senior home, ready and eager to meet my "biological" family (My eldest aunt, her children, my second eldest aunt, her daughter and son, my sister and step dad...).
We were meeting at an Italian restaurant across the street of the senior facility. I don't remember what for, but I know that I was sort of rushing because I wanted to be on time.
When I finally arrived, they were all sitting outside in a sort of circle. They all stared at me as I looked around for a seat. Then they started to all talk at once to one another, as if they had not noticed that I was looking for a place to sit.
I finally found a place next to my cousin (the one that is married) and she and I made small talk, but the conversation disgusted me so much because I could see right through the fakeness. The fake care. She didn't really want to be talking to me.
She started talking to her husband.
So I turned my head to the other side and was greeted by the face of my eldest cousin. He has always been a very quiet, observant individual (I believe that he has spirit gifts that the rest of the family doesn't understand because they are too consume with 1. maintaining their "good" image in the community and 2. keeping up with what the world is doing).
He greeted me with the biggest and warmest of smiles with a "HEY!" As if he had not seen me in years. He also discerned that it was physically making me sick to be around such "fakeness" and mediocrity. So I smiled back and him. Then got up to leave. My eldest aunt (in her haughty princess like manner) asked "where are you going?" (the underline tone was: Oh, she thinks she is too good to hang out with us....)
I replied with a respectful and gentle, "nowhere..."
Then I continued to walk back to the senior home. No one else made any objections about me leaving.
I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to double check to see if anyway cared that I was leaving, but they were all immersed in their (collective) world, with the new baby, my cousin and her husbands life/lifestyle etc all family stuff...
It was at the moment in the dream where I felt my heart break in the real world. I knew that, that was the truth and also the death of a world that I once wanted to be apart of and felt safe in.
The truth is that the biological family that I was given with the exception of my grandmother, maybe my sister and step dad... really don't care that much about me. And the day my grandmother passes away they really won't have anything to do with me then.
As it stands now, they never invite me to family functions and when they do they always put restrictions on how they except me to show up. For example, my cousin that is married had a graduation reception she told me not to come all dressed up and showy (you know how I like to dress up for God and look like the Queen that God molded me to be, right?) or else she wouldn't know me...
She could have been joking, but I know that from a lot of self reflection that anything that I say as a "joke" has a bit of truth it in. That's how she really felt and if she didn't really feel that way she would not have been moved to express it so boldly.
But it doesn't matter because I couldn't attend anyway. I didn't have any gas money to get there....
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