I haven't really thought about dating in a long time. I have only been in twice in my entire time living. One was my freshman year in college and the other was most recently, despite how people might feel about that, my heart can't lie. When I feel it. I feel it. If i didn't I would not have fought so hard to keep them in my life.
In my reflections I finally came to the conclusion that, you know how they say that "nice guys finish last" well sometimes "pretty girls don't finish at all." A lot of the attractive, well educated nice guys go for average looking chicks. Why? Because they don't have to compete with other men to keep those type of girls around. They don't have to worry about her straying away, because in their head they think that other guys won't want her. At least that's one way to look at it.
Then most nice guys choose average girls because they know they don't have to work too hard to keep them interested in them. So, maybe its good that those so called "nice guys" pick average chicks so at least that way that eliminates the man dating pool of losers who don't want to treat me like the queen that I am.
But, I guess what bothers me is that for some of the girls I know they seem to be in and out of relationships like crazy and their relationships don't just last a three weeks to six months they actually last for a couple of years. Then I reflect and well, damn I can't even get a guy to just be my friend. I either scare them away with my intelligence or when they find out that they can't put their hand in my cookie jar then they start treating me like crap.
I have also come to realize that the "nice guy" persona is just a mask that assholes wear so that they can get the goodies. They don't really care about how you feel or what you did today. The whole time your talking they are thinking about how they can get you to take your clothes off. Maybe, that's just my horrible experiences with men talking and not my heart. But that's how I feel right now.
I can't even date like a normal girl because then the man starts to get possessive and controlling. My step dad was like, so no I don't want to be associated with anything like that.
Now, that I think about it, all the men in my life were never any good in the end. Even the two that I was in love with. They started out with the best of intentions but then like all men do they tried to mold me into their ex wife, gf, baby's mama, their fantasy dream girl. They weren't happy with me just the way I am.
It gets tiring and frustrating when your heart and your love are not enough. When men are either too scared to talk to you or too lazy to meet a woman of caliber. They chase after the average girls, settle for them, have children with them, later cheat or divorce then wonder why they aren't very happy in life.
I do miss the cuddling and the kisses on the forehead. I do must being able to give hugs. I mostly miss feeling safe in a man's arms. But I haven't met a man strong enough to keep me "safe" for a long period of time. Most put on a front like they can, but as soon as shit hits the fan they are back to doubting themselves again and rejecting me, because they keep putting their past in their present... and ultimately because they don't get over their past they treat me like shit and then we break up.
I refuse to be any man's "punching bag" or placeholder chick. I refuse to waste my time playing the wifey role only to have him break up with me, and then marry the chick right after me that he has only known for two weeks. Then later they get divorced and he tries to run back to me... no. no. no. honey.
I just wish I could meet a man who appreciated me, for me. A man that was on fire for God. Passionate about music, writing and philosophical conversations. A man that inspired and challenged me to think outside the box. A man that was dedicated to really caring about my life. A man that sat and listened to me to talk, instead of just passively listened. A man that was honest to my face and did not bite his tongue for me. A man that appreciated the beauty of my mind and heart before my body.
But I guess that's only in fairytales really... *sigh*