Thursday, August 6, 2015

The LoneWolf Leader: My Choice (Part 2)

It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable...

Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable...

Yes, Yes, I know.

It was my choice.

Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.

Here is why:

The whole time I was around I never had the chance to tell my side of the story.
People just assumed that I was being "dramatic" or that I was "bitter..."

Of Course I was bitter....

You would be BITTER too if you looked someone in the eyes and asked if you could trust them, and they looked you SQUARE IN THE EYES and replied, YES YOU CAN, then turn around and stab you in the back!!!

The worst part is that the people I thought would care the most just "brushed it under the rug..." made light of my pain or pretty much pretended that I HAD NOT CHANGED due to the experience.

But the strange thing about pain, is that it opens your eyes to new perspectives. 

I heard stories of what they use to do, how much money they use to have etc 
That's nice, but what are you doing now? How much money are you making now? . 

People expect me to be "understanding" when they fucked up, break their promises to me or hurt me in some form or fashion. But god forbid that I have a bad day (or a whole series of bad days who cares I AM HUMAN TOO YOU KNOW...) or I don't feel like talking or I don't feel like doing something. 

When I was there, men always came before me. 
"Oh, so and so bought me crab legs" or "Oh, so and so wants to take me out..."
And yet, again I was there waiting for a friendship to develop that never happen.
You trust those men over me, because you have known them longer...huh?

I'm sure that is true. But when you really needed someone it was ME that was there. It was ME sharing my last dollars to help you and your family. IT WAS MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! When I had enough I also made sure that I gave. I always made sure that I offered even when I didn't think I had enough. I still helped the best I could... but it wasn't enough. 

How are you going to preach to me about living a godly life when your own life isn't in order? 
Save your preaching for someone who doesn't know God.
Because I'm GOOD. 
Thank you. 


Then I started to notice a new pattern.

Everyone and anyone who knows me, knows that I have legs built to model. I love wearing high heels. I love to be seen. I love to dress up and look beautiful. 

So, how come every time I had an audition, event, performance (that I found by myself or that I applied for or auditioned for) no one ever showed up? There was always some excuse. Some reason why they couldn't be there. YOU WERE THE ONE PERSON that I wanted there and you couldn't scrape up enough money to come hear me sing or see me walk or whatever?

But, as soon as some ol' hobknob or knucklehead showed up with something "shiny" (all that glitters is most certainly NOT GOLD....) I got put to the side, and forgotten.

How is it that when I needed YOU the most, you fed me a bible scripture and told me that it was my "choice" and that next time I should "make better choices..."

Well... I did. I chose to get my happy. I chose to progress. To keep fighting to make my dreams of traveling to Paris and Milan true. You had those opportunities but you "chose" to take care of your family. So, the only person you have to blame for not having the life you want, is yourself. 

I use to sympathize and empathize, because I use to understand.  But I don't understand how you know that I was your winning hand; I write music, sing, makeup artist, model, etc and yet you never put me in the game. You always chose someone else OVER ME. 

It was never a friendship because you never trusted me. Its sad that you will trust a man over someone who you claimed to be your "sister." I was never your sister. You just wanted someone to manipulate and control. I thought I could trust you, but you showed me that when things get tough and I really need you, you will always choose a man over me. ALWAYS. 

I wanted to write this for awhile...

I feel better now that it is out of my heart and onto this blog. 

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