He sent me this when he first was excited because he swore up and down that I was his wife. That God had sent me to him. That he prayed for me and God sent him me, to be his wife. He told me to "remember this for later" then not even two weeks later he was running away, pushing me away, acting out in a horrible teenage like manner, throwing tantrums and cursing. And that's the man that is suppose to be the "priest of the household" that I'm apart of? No, I don't think so.
I wish I could meet a man who was confident enough in God and his abilities and talents through Christ that he wouldn't feel the need to beat down the strength of God in me. That's the issue that I faced most when I use to date. Instead of them protecting the strength and love of God in me, they always tried to belittle it, tear it down, stomp on it and when they couldn't do that, then they would "feed me" to the lecherous beasts, vultures and devils in the world by abandoning me at critical times when I needed them most. That's why I depend on no man. Just God. Just he is the only one strong enough to play the "superman role" in my life.
Then I have to remember: I find it strange that a man who is in his mid 30's isn't already married. So, when they tell me oh I was married once before... my first question is, "why are yall not together now?" and my second question is, "What did he do?" Because more often than not, the man always did something to initiate the downfall of the marriage.
I have to admit that when I thought I was "engaged" I was really excited. The truth is, that he didn't want me to talk about us going to the court house to get our marriage license because he said he felt "pressured" and "rushed." (Keep in mind he was the one that was excited about the idea in the first place....But in my head I'm thinking, "wow, you don't want me to talk about it, because really you either are not sure if you want to marry me, 2. are really secretly married to someone else or in love with someone else 3. are ashamed for people to know about something that should be a joy to you..."
Any man who really loved me would be thrilled for me to carry their last name, but no...not him...even though he was the one that was SO excited by the idea at first...
I told him I understood but that it would not make sense for us to be Mr. and Mrs. so and so without rings. Then when I started posting pictures of the type of rings that were my "dream" rings that's when he really got all undone. All he had to do was tell me to stop posting about it, but instead (like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way...) he grew distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't strong nor mature enough in his spirit to be in the type of relationship that I envisioned.
It was a sad moment of revelation, but the "realist" in me rose up and closed the deal on the whole thing. I tried to fix it with love and promises to do better, but because he never had any real "love" for me in the first place there was no glue (the love of God is it!) to hold us together. So, there I was trying. Pouring my heart and soul into trying to make things work once again and he became distant and nonchalant and didn't care.... and even when I tried to be friends after that's when I really saw his true colors even more. I tried to send him prayer text messages because I said that I would continue to pray for him, since he is going through some things and of course like every other guy I ever tried to have a "mature adult relationship" with, he gave me the silent treatment, disappeared, vanished, poof, gone.
When I look back through our text messages, I have to laugh because just a week ago he was saying how much he loved me and now he doesn't speak to me at all. Sound familiar? Well it is, because it is the exact same pattern that lead me here in the first place.
The only difference is that he and I never thought about, talked aobut getting married, nor having children together (yeah, I thought this man was Heaven sent enough to believe that I would be the one to have his first son).
But, the truth is I was in love with the idea of being a bride, a wife and mother but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be all that with him in my life. There was something unsettling about, the entire thing that made me question and instantly pray about it from the start. Things were moving way too fast and I could seem to control the flow of it. The 3rd day I had already met his parents. Of course in my head I thought, "this has to be love...he must really love me!" (yeah, sure! lol). You never know if someone truly loves you until you go through the fire with them a few times and see that they are still standing by your side.
That's how I know that every man who ever made me a promise or said "I love you" to me was a liar, because if they loved me they would still be in my life today. I may not know everything, but God has blessed me with some "years beyond my age" type of wisdom that let's me know that things are either right or wrong.
And saying that you love someone, then disappearing from their life because you don't like what they said, what they did etc is wrong. And it just proves that you're immature and not ready for a real mature adult relationship. Granted, if I point the finger, then I better be ready to have it pointed back at me, right? And since I know that I take full responsibility for not always walking in love. But in this situation I could have acted a lot worse. But by sticking by his side through his "tantrum" I showed him that I keep my word. That I don't "run when things get tough." All that talk about "honesty" and "communication" went straight out the window as soon as he got upset with me. Then I started to see some qualities that reflected when I was in an abusive relationships during college (real bad, real, real, real bad...) and after I prayed and reflected on it that's when I knew it was time to go.
Any man that curses at me or even looks like they want to hit me during an argument is not a man that I can respect nor see myself marrying nor being with. So, once again God looked out for me. Even though I wanted to be a bride, be married and hear him say, "I do." I didn't want to do it with a black eye and a bloody lip.
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