Childlike Heart of Love: What does your heart Desire?

One of the young ladies on my fb page, after she and I getting into a debate or rather an exchange of ideas, said that she would pray that I would have the desires of my heart...

And then I started to think, what does my heart currently desire and it hit me...

I tried to run from this situation. I thought that I was going to Baton Rouge. I thought I could start all over and never have to think about him again.

Then I tried to date someone else, thinking that would solve the issue. But it was only a temporary distraction and it caused more trouble than it was worth getting into.

So, what i want the most is for us to go back to being friends. I want a chance to give him a real hug and just go back to laughing and joking around. I want the tension and silence between us to end.

Everyone else gives me hugs and says "hi" but there is still silence between us and my heart breaks. I am not the same as I use to be. I'm still a writer, but I have learned to write in a different mindset.

I have learned to point the finger back at myself and recognize my mistakes. What I said and what I did and how I could have done things differently. I can not pretend that I don't still love him, because I do. But, it is not a romantic love. It is a miss you very much and just want us to go back to hanging out, kinda love.

He made me laugh all the time. He kept me in good spirits. Even when I wasn't at my best or didn't feel well, he thought to ask me if I was okay. But, now that I need his love and support the most he is nowhere to be found. I live 4 minutes away (driving). Please tell me why we have not seen one another outside of church, tag or bible study?

I don't want to live in a place where there is this distance between us.  But, every time I ask God to move me something else comes up making it impossible for me to leave. It is hurtful. It is a situation that I wouldn't want anyone to go through. And its not about, he did this and she did that, its about that I don't want to waste anymore time not loving him...

We can get called to Heaven tomorrow and the last thing that will be on his heart, is him acting distant and holding a grudge toward me and me missing him.

We don't have time to be divided.
We don't have time to be selfish. We are in the end of the end times. Jesus Christ can come back at any moment and the last thing I want is to be missing him. I know, I take full responsibility for these thoughts too. He shouldn't even be on my mind. I should be sleeping right now, but I couldn't sleep because I was lying to myself about being hurt.

 

 

I am hurt, because I miss him. I miss the hugs. I miss the laughs. I miss us going to church together. I miss watching Suits together. I miss the skype messages and pictures. I miss it all. But, what I didn't realize is that after awhile we started to forget about God. When God was the one that put us together in the first place. I didn't thank God for sending him to help me. I took the situation for granted, because I thought he would always be there.

Then I tried to intercede on his behalf and take the spiritual beatings and God did not want that either. I thought if I helped, if I "shielded" him from the pain with the heart that God gave me that is filled with compassion and bigger than the Sun at the core, that I could save him and that everything would be okay... I told God, "I don't mind. I'm strong enough to handle his pain. I have dealt with a lot worse...." But God said no. And I could do nothing but sit back and watch. And I was mad and I was frustrated and I was tried because I couldn't do anything to help not him nor myself....

I was mad at God for not letting me take the spiritual beatings... haha, how silly right. But, when as time went on I realized why God had told me "no." It was because there were other people that needed to see the strength of God in me, more than he did. He was going to be fine, God was going to take care of him. Send him family and friends to keep him motivated and moving in life. But, there were others who were on the edge and they needed to see the strength God placed in me to give them hope to move into tomorrow, toward a better day....

If, I'm called to be a minister one day then I'm going to have to make sacrifices obediently and without complaint. Sure, it cut me. CUT ME DEEP, not to be able to call him up and be like "hey whatcha up to?" Cut me deep not to be able to text him a silly face picture or whatever. It still cuts me deep now not to be able to share all the best parts of my life with him. My grandmother asks about him and so does my god family...

To be fair, I wouldn't want to be around someone who talks junk about me either when I act out in my flesh, during my "bad days" (even though that has happen to me before... how did I like it? It didn't feel very good. But turned the situation around and found it amusing so it didn't bother me...).

But, we can't go back and undo what is already done. But we can move onward and pray that God fills us with his agape love so that when we see one another we respond to one another with the love of Christ. I have learned quite a few things since being separated from him and 1: is to never take any moment with anyone you love for granted. Because one day you might wake up and they won't be there anymore...

2. Show love, speak life into your loved one, spread positive energy

3. My life is not my own and it is used to be a blessing to someone else's life.

4. Do things in love and give with a cheerful heart

So, yeah, it may not mean much to anyone else but seeing him peaceful, smiling and walking in the love of God is a prayer that I pray for him. Because despite the way things are God still used him to bring me here, where I learned how to speaking, sing and pray in tongues and where I learned how to walk in the love of GOD. If, it wasn't for him finding me the journey would have not been quite like this...

I just pray that we get a chance to go back to being comfortable around one another, laughing and talking, the way I am with everyone else in tag before my time here is over. I don't want to leave here with a cloud of unforgiveness over our heads. He says that he isn't mad at me, but when he speaks to me I still here it in his tone and even more than that I feel it in his energy. When I come into the room his energy changes. I'm not the only one that notices it or feels it either. So, that's how i know that I'm not "crazy" or "paranoid" about it...