I have changed.Love found me in the dark.
And now I have changed.Affection desired to know my name.
And now I have changed.It was inevitable.
Like a promise that is untimely broken.
I admit that I'm frustrated with life and my surroundings. I want to say "fuck it" all but I feel like I'm close to something awesome and amazing. A true breakthrough. A much needed long overdue breakthrough.
Also, I know that I don't deserve the love that I am given. When it comes to patterns I do what most people do (to a degree). I love the people that can't stand me and I distance myself from the people that love me.
I'm still trying to figure out "why" that happens.
I have been spending some time alone, in the "thorns." In my thorns. I get on facebook and see a lot of people talking about other people and I wonder "with all that time to talk about someone else, how much do they really know about themselves?"
That's why I took myself out of the "he said, she said" game. It is popular to talk about other people, but if you talk about yourself in relation to reflecting (so that you can become a better person for yourself and for the people around you) then they label you a narcissist, stuck up, snobby, insensitive, uncaring and most of all selfish.
People think that just because I don't post every day like I use to, that nothing is going on in my life. But, honestly so much has changed that I'm overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start or how to begin to write about it all. I have a lot to say, but I'm waiting for a particular audience to surface.
I'm no longer going to speak to those who are of a privileged life. To those who have mommy and daddy to kiss their boo boos and give them hugs and kisses when they make a mistake. I hate that shit. Grown ass men and women, talking about "the struggle" when the only struggle they know is asking mommy and daddy for money so they can get a new pair of shoes or so they can go to a concert. Or better yet, those who had children out of wed lock, but still have their parents to help them. I mention this because it seems to be a growing trend to have children out of wedlock and it bothers me.
The struggle is that you opened your legs and had a baby and now you want sympathy. I know ladies who were raped and still kept their baby because they don't believe in abortion and when their parents found out, they disowned them.
So please, I don't want hear about your so called "struggle."
Most of the people that I have met within the last 9 months or so far in my journey are spoiled and entitled. They wouldn't know a quality friendship if it bit them in the ass. They are only your friend until you do something that they disapprove or you don't agree with something they said or better yet if YOU personally go through your own life changes then they cast judgment because they are not "growing" and in their eyes God is not paying as much attention to them on their journey and he is to you. If shouldn't be worried about what God is doing in your life. WE all most seek our own soul salvation, right?
About Modeling and Other Ventures:
When I didn't want to model, when all I cared about was being the smartest or singing the best etc. I had every opportunity to model. But now that I actually want to do it, I have to jump through hopes and twist my head around my damn neck just to get someone to notice me. Everyone knows that I am the showstopper. Not because I'm the "baddest chick" in the world. But because I'm unique in a crafty way. Alluring. Mysterious. But, that's what they fear...
When I was in VA I had modeling opportunities left and right, the only trouble was that I didn't have a way to get to the opportunities that were lined up just for me and designed just so I could SUCCEED.
I only blame myself for that tragedy in VA. The people I met there hardly talk to me now anyway. So much for friendship. I guess, it is better for them to forget than for them to process through it all. But, I'm not worried. Nope, not at all...
Life is funny. Very humorous. But at least it gives me a lot to write about.