When I made the choice to start this walk with Christ. I did it with the expectation that it would be just me, myself and I and Jesus. I did not want to be perfect. I just wanted to be honest. So far. So good. Live an honest life. And get by...
But now more is being required of me. There is something else...
The problem I face currently is that people don't think I know anything because I don't speak often. There are times when I am very outspoken. Then there are other times when I'm quiet. That is just how I operate. But just because I'm silent doesn't mean that I'm not paying attention.... do you feel me?
I'm getting tired of having my family bail me out of situations that I put myself in. The strange thing is, it is not that I ask for their help but it is that God knows what I need and sends them. But, I'm ready to run at the front of the pack now. With where the leaders are. It is oddly degrading to know and feel the power stirring inside of me that I know I am fully capable of delivering, only to have it be looked over or dismissed because of the "scrapes on my knee..." I'm not the type of woman that needs to be spoon fed. I find that humiliating and degrading.
I also believe that God can use anyone for his glory, at any point or phase they are in life. But the real eye opener and question that I constantly ask myself is:
The purpose is to win souls for Christ, ultimately. But if I'm doing the exact same things that the world is doing. They aren't going to listen to me, nor care about what I'm saying. They will just think that I'm another "churchy person" or "bible thumper."
I want people to know that I walk in Gods love, truth and peace.
That's where I'm at right now. Trying to walk in Gods love. I will admit that it is not easy especially in the situation that I'm in, because just about everything annoys me. But prayer can make it easier.
That's when I had to stop and reflect more...
I'm very different. More expressive. Possibly to those who know me a bit more "liberal." Yet not to its full extent. I believe that people should love their neighbors through Christ. But I also believe that we must be obedient to Gods Will for our lives. And then when we are not we can not progress forward.
My life right now feels like I have training wheels on it. You can only go but so far with those things on. I feel like I'm being babysat. Don't do this and don't do that! Bed time is at 9pm. Then I thought to myself, "Wait a second. I'm a grown lady." People can offer advice all day long, but it is up to me whether or not I choose to accept it.
I love people very much and want to see the best for them. The idea of going out and partying and drinking so much until I blackout isn't my idea of fun, honestly...
The strange thing is that if one bad thing happens, then that erases all the 10 good progressive moves that I made. So essentially I have to start all over. It is very annoying. I don't like being "babysat."
But regardless of what people say I'm still going to maintain my walk with Christ, because I want to know what is on the other side of the hallway that I'm walking through. When I get to the end of the hallway I know there will be an escape, an out, another door that will lead to my future being Great.
One of the other things is that sometimes people give up on their "fun" too early. That is why I was so concerned when I first started my walk with Christ because I did not think that I was ready. I did not think that I had all the "fun" out of my system yet.
But the idea of smoking, drinking and partying excessively. Is really just a shield to keep out, drown, hide from the pain of reality. Those are forms of mediocrity. They limit you from reaching your highest potential through Christ.
God not only wants us to follow his commandments tell about the gospels but he also wants us to live bold, holy righteous lives. In order to do that you have to make some serious sacrifices Nothing in this life comes for free. Even God had to pay a price, give up his son that was dear to him. And Jesus had to give up his life.
When I think about it, lately I have been acting very selfish. I already know that I can not do what I want to do. That I can not go where I want to go all the time.
This is a glamorous life. If I wanted fame, fortune. A glamours life I would just go back to my old life and start running into people who could make things happen quickly with as little effort as possible. But that fast life, fast money is a trick of the devil.
I constantly tell people all the time that I'm not perfect. I don't care to be. Because if being perfect comes a lot of responsibility. And although, I feel that God is moving me into a position where I will have a lot of responsibility. I want to make sure that I stroll my way there. Take my time and think about everyone and everything connections and what my purpose in relation to their connection is.
I'm very grateful and thankful for all the kindness and love that God has placed in my life. He did not have to. But even in all my imperfections and flaws, God still loves me anyway. He loves you too. Yet, when we sin we essentially diminish Gods love in us. Gods loves us, but he hates sin. That's why we have to ask God to cleanse our hearts and minds daily.
"For the LORD loves judgment, and forsakes not his saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off. The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever.The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom, and his tongue talks of judgment." (psalm 37: 28-30)
So in order for a person to access the power through Christ that God has placed inside of them. In order for a person to be able to be a judge over the world. In order a person to have access to the kingdom of God... they must first live a righteous life. That is where the power comes from through righteous living. And from there the freedom to walk in that power comes after.
But how bad do you or I want it? That means all the things that make us comfortable in life, all our ideas about what power is or about how to go about getting power are really illusions. A trick of the devil. To make humans think that they are more powerful than they really are. All the while, while they are sinning, they are drowning in their illusion of power that they could have had, but never receive because they would not give up their old way and live to be fully dedicated and on fire for God.
I came to these conclusions after the conversation I had with my boyfriend, and my god sister. They were always in my reflections but I could not piece them together because I could not identify with them at the time. I rarely get people who give me feedback. So sometimes when I think is right, is really wrong. That's why its important for constant self reflection, meditation and prayer with other saints, preferably others who are stronger than you. So you can check yourself and make sure that you are on the right track...