Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Power of Air, Passion behind Fire: Wonderfully made Man of God

I did not think that I was worthy of having any man care about nor love me. I thought it was my duty to only give love but never to receive it, because in the past I gave love, they took it, ran with it and gave it to someone else. So I thought that was apart of the nature of this existence.

The men I dated in the past were always broken, but then again I was broken too. Two broken people can not be together because each half is always looking to the other to complete them. When each half needs to be looking to God for completion. God is the only one that deliver you out of any situation that you are in. He will put people in your life to help you, but if you don't seek him you won't be able to recognize who those people are.

The man that I date now is beautifully and wonderfully made. He is confident, patient and wise. He is strong in his spirit, heart and mind. At first, I thought my intelligence would "run him over." I'm known for being TOO AGGRESSIVE, in my intelligence and in how I talk to other people. But, even when he first showed an interest in getting to know me that did not stop him.

When I met him I was at an ending phase in my life. The bulk of the hurt that I feel through reflection of loss, was there but it was washing away. That is why the trip to DC was so important, because it helped me to take down the wall that I spent my entire undergraduate college season putting up. I did not want to be bothered with any man (even though I went on dates). I did not want to submit to any man (even though I wanted to be married one day). 

Where did that wall come from?

Well after awhile of getting the love of God in you rejected you find yourself not wanting to care about people at all. It was not just my abusive romantic relationships, it was also my one sided and or half of heart friendships too. It hurt me to realize that the people I cared so much about did not care about me, but it was a truth that I had to accept.

When I had I gave to those people who did not care about me, because I thought it would open their eyes to see how loving and caring I was. But then when I started "going through the fire" and life was getting tough those who I gave to I could not find for support and encouragement. I felt lonely. I felt depressed. But more than that I was hurt.

I never had the best relationships with men, because each time I tried to get into a romantic relationship they were always abusive, possessive, controlling, a manipulator, tyrant, nasty and ugly to me. There were times I would walk in the door from work and instead of "Hey baby, how was your day?" It was, "did you bring me anything to eat?" I got in a fight with a man (a physical altercation) for the first time in my adult life that I was carrying the weight from too. I never thought a man would hit me. In college I did have a guy put his hands around my neck and push me up against the door violently, but back then I just shrugged it off because I thought that was how relationships were suppose to be.

But they are not. No man. No woman. Should ever put their hands on you in a hateful and mean, violent way. No one should touch you at all, but if you are going to INVITE THEM TO, then they need to embrace you in love and peace, not in hate and violence.

The man that I date now is so different than what I'm use to. I don't have to beg him to call me. I don't have to worry about him talking to this chick and that chick. I don't have to worry about him lying to me. I don't have to stay up all night crying because he did something hateful and mean. I don't have ask him to be a "man" to take charge or step up to the plate nor do I have to ask him to "TAKE RESPONSIBILITY" for his actions. For, the age bracket that he is in (25-30) he is mature. All the things that I use to complain about in the past about other guys that I spoke to or had interest in dating, he is the opposite of.

Most importantly he is dedicated to being on FIRE for GOD. He knows the scriptures. He keeps me focused on my walk with Christ with encourage words and advice. He has a heart of compassion to do good and see others at their best, the way I do. He respects my intelligence and doesn't try to belittle me nor degrade me in anyway. He thinks of me first.

I never dated a man that loves God the way I do. I finally met a man who isn't selfish nor stubborn when it comes to me. In the past I liked guys who were so selfish. They only thought about themselves. Only cared about what they were doing and no one else. When I was hurting and I needed a shoulder to cry on, they closed their door in my face or told me that they "too busy." When it was moved in my spirit to share with them advice that I knew would keep them from pain and more heartache and drama they did not listen. I told them not to mess with so and so or to leave so and so alone because I did not get a good "vibe" from them and lo and behold they went against what I said and did it anyway, only to add more drama and chaos to their life.

But in that, I also had to step back and learn to listen to when God was speaking through other people to warn me or give me advice. I realized that when people don't listen to the advice I give I get upset, so that's why I changed things around in my life. So now when people give me advice I take it in wholeheartedly and pray about it. Then adjust my life according to what God wants me to do.

He matches my heart of compassion. He matches the strength in my spirit. He matches my intelligence. The child like heart I carry. The confidence that I have. He pretty much matches me on every level. He likes to act. I like to sing. We both like to dance. When I'm around him, I'm learning to be more playful. I wanted someone who had time to have fun with me and go on adventures with me. My best-friend can't do that right now. He is very busy finishing a project that I know will be awesome when it is done. But right now, he just doesn't have time to hang out, chat and have fun like he was able to before. I love my best-friend very much and just want to see him do well in life, but one thing I know and I constantly remind him of is that he has to ask God to help him be a better listener. He shouldn't be so quick to get his opinion out there, because sometimes his opinion is not in given in the right spirit and the right time and to the right people. We all go through that though. I can safely reflect on it in fullness because it is something that I had to overcome within myself.

A lot of people think that I should give up the friendship, cut them out of my life but I'm not a person that just gives up on people because when I was low to the ground and needed a friend, my best friend open his doors to me and invite me in. People may not understand, but I do. It is rare that I meet people that care about me at all and we have come a very long way from where we use to be. God is shaping and molding us all for his glory. I don't just give up on people just because they make a mistake or do something hateful. In the past I did not always back the best choices but my god family still loved me. They still encouraged me to keep trying to do better and be a better woman of God. So that's what I'm going to do. Not only for my best-friend but for complete strangers too.

I know what it is like to have people walk away from my life when I was at my lowest of the lows. All I wanted to do was disappear into a cave and never come out. I hated my life and I wanted to end it. But then God sent my god family and even random kind strangers on my path to lift up my spirit.

So, no I'm not walking away from anyone who is trying... no one else has to care or understand and yet when I talk to my boyfriend he does understand. Even though he states his own opinion, he respects mine. He doesn't try to push me in either direction about any choice that I make.

I'm happy. I feel free. I feel confident. I still need a job, a house with two bedrooms and a two bathrooms, and a car that is fully functioning. But I know all those things will come soon enough.

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