Sometimes when the tears are on the brink of falling, yet they do not, the only thing you can do is write. There are moments when I'm tempted to do something etremely out of my character and random just to get out of this "hole" that I'm in. But I know that if I open that door. There is a chance that God could take his hands off of me and I will no longer be under his protection. Right now, I'm not where I want to be. I need a job that pays all my bills and some, I need a new car and I need a house. Yet, even though I don't want those things right now I feel safe with all the new faces that I met. They don't know me very well, but they still extend their kindness.
I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous break down. I feel like this spiritual journey is stretch my spirit so much that I'm about to break in half.
The plan was for me to come to the NoVa area, and immediately start working in a Christian daycare or school. The issue came up when the details of the situation started to unfold. I wasn't prepared. I thought I could just get a summer job working in a daycare, save up some money and then start setting other things into place. But I didn't take into account that children need stability. So any teaching job would have required me to make a year commitment. Then the other part is that I would be working with three year olds and since I have never worked a full work day, for a whole year with that age group I was not confident that I could give it my all. I had to be honest with God, myself and the ladies who were doing the hiring.
What I'm learning at this moment is that no matter what you do in life you need to have a back up plan b and c and even d in some cases, just in case A fails.
One of the worst feelings in the world is to be in a strange place, only knowing one or two people and having to rely solely on them to guide you around in the new area. It starts to make you feel like a burden. They started to feel the weight of your life weighing on their shoulders. That was never my intention.
My entire life, I grew up feeling like a burden, "another mouth to feed" the black sheep, the "different" one. And it wasn't by choice, it was just that I was the only granddchild with no immediate parents. What still sticks with me today is thinking that my step dad was my real dad and believing that after my mother's funeral he would come back for me...
And ever since that time, my life has pretty much been a cycle of feeling like a burden. Other people say "oh its okay, we don't mind" but eventually they get tired of having me around. I start to wear out my welcome. No matter how nice, kind or sweet I am or how much I try to help it still doesn't matter. I'm just another life taking up space.
If things don't work out in the real world for me, I'm just going to go in the military and hope they take me. I don't have any other options. You would think that with a degree and a hot body I could at least keep a decent meal in my body. But since I'm walking with Christ, my other options for "modeling" have been closed.
I'm trying so hard to get on my feet, but every time I think I feel can stand something else knocks me down. It is discouraging and I'm tired of this same ol' hole. Before, NC I didn't have any options. Now, that I'm in DC/NOVA I do have options, just getting to them is the issue.
Then everyone I know is in transition. Its like no one is stable. And two unstable can't help one another, you know? A part of me wants to give up on all of this and do what I gotta do to survive, morals or not. But then that convicting spirit comes back and reminds me of where God brought me from. I'm tired of going through the fire, when am I going to get to bask in the after glow of the victory?
When you don't have an immediate family who is supportive in all areas of your life, you have no choice but to rely on the kindness of others? Every kind word that has been shared with me thus far on this trip has been a blessing and a big help in my reflective moments. I learned a lot about myself that I couldn't see before.
I can feel God molding and shaping me into the woman he needs me to be. But you know what, if something happens to my life, at least I know that I'll die praising God. I'm very tired of this life in general. I'm so tired of wishing and praying for better only to have doors slam closed in my face. It almost makes me want to say "forget it." But, anger doesn't help either. It just makes the situation worse and the devil laugh even harder. So, I rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus Christ, daily. I'm not going to give up. My mother did not raise a quitter.
The worst thing that ever happen to me in my life was the death of my mother, yet I'm still breathing. So if I can still make it after that then I can make through anything.
Those of you who know a word of prayer, pray for my strength in my walk with Christ. Thank you.