Friday, August 16, 2013
Spiritual Journey Two: Pray Your Way Through the Fire
Despite knowing that I am loved. I still feel like a burden. Each face I meet is very kind, understanding and helpful. I'm always grateful and thankful for any kindness extended my way. Yet, stability of my own is something that I crave. I'm tired of moving around from house to house and family to family.
When am I going to fit in somewhere? When will I be enough?
That's partly why I'm reluctant to ask for help because when I do the hourglass starts and each day you are running out of time, before your "welcome" is worn out. Despite what people say, its something that can't be avoided. I hate feeling like a bother and burden to other people.
So, I pray that God will place me in a position of financial, emotional, mental and spiritual stability so that one day I can extend it to someone else who is in need. But instead of pitying or feeling sorry for me. Just pray and ask God to order my steps according to his perfect will for my life. It is the best gift. And I thank you.
It makes me feel bad that I'm not in a position to help the ones that I love. There are things that I could do, to get out of this "hole" right now but I know that they would probably have to put my walk with Christ on hold to do them. And as it stands, I don't want to step away from the protection of the holy spirit. So, the only conclusion is to put my entire hope, trust and faith in GOD.
I didn't expect any of this to happen. One minute I'm saying that I hate all men, then the next I'm finding myself wanting to be in the arms of one. I never dated a true man of God before. The oddity is that things are peaceful even in the midst of the storms. I love him unconditionally. That means that his happiness comes before my own. That no matter what life changes he goes through my love for him does not change when our behaviors do.
I never thought my heart would be used to love, considering all the rules that I made to never let my heart get involved with another man again. I thought my heart was closed off. I put it in a box, tied it in scotch tape, duck-tape, submerged it in glue and cement. But still, the love of God in him was more than powerful to cut into my defense. I'm glad it was, because my focus was restored and I now know what love is...
I'm not sure why I'm here and I'm sure what God needs for me to do. I feel like there is one missing piece to my puzzle. If I could figure out which piece and obtain it then it would set everything else into motion.
I'm more than happy with my relationship, I'm just not happy with my financial situation. I need a job asap, one that will pay me a lot and quickly so I can finally get myself established. This is a faith based journey. I am putting everything in the hands of God. My boyfriend, my own feelings, this job situation, my family and even my bestfriend.
My focus right now is to do what God needs me to do. I'm not really sure where God will have me at but I know that I will not stop praying until I get my breakthrough.
Yet, even as I'm going through the fire I need people to be supportive, strong prayer warriors, dedicated to putting God first at all times. Praying through this situation is the only way a person can get out of it. When, God finally delivers me from this hole I'm in I will be able to help someone else. I know that it is close. I can see the light at the end of tunnel and while I'm waiting for God to set things in motion I will be praising him everywhere and anywhere.