Thursday, August 15, 2013

Reflections: Future, Marriage, Motherhood

There comes a point in your life when you have to decide what you can tolerate and what you are forced to accept. 

I'm in a reflective mood. I'm thinking about my future. I want to be a wife and mother (to two boys) one day. So, I reflect on the patterns from my past and present to see if their are any mistakes I can stomp out before they try to creep into my future. 


One of the patterns I noticed is that in all my relationships I'm always the one cleaning up after some ex wife or gf. It is hard to be yourself when you feel stuck in your own mind. Too afraid to speak with open honesty and in love because you don't want them to think that you remind them of their "ex." 

Then you get into arguements that have nothing to do with you, but have everything to do with the fact that they remembered something that their ex did that pissed them off and in that moment you now have to take the beating for another woman's mistakes. 

I did that once before, when I was dating a guy in college. He was charming. He was respectful. He was consistent in his promises. There came a point where he wanted me to meet his mother. But, in order for me to meet her, my grandmother had a rule that he had to come and pick me up. So he got a on a train and together, he and I went back. 

Many women want to live the dream of playing house. She cooks and cleans and he goes to work. He kisses you on the forehead before showering for work.  He leaves cards and love notes around the house to remind you that he was thinking of you before he left. He comes home with flowers! You have dinner already cooked. You two sit down with a bottle of wine, your dinner trays and then turn on a movie What a perfect night! Right? 

Yeah, sure as long as he loves you. But, when try to love a wounded man you find yourself in a world of trouble. So, that's why in my recent thoughts about dating I cut that out. 

It is not fair that I have so much love to give, fiercely loyal, dedicated only to be disrespected and to pay the price for what another woman did. She was like cancer. And when she would call, he would go out of the room and say that it was a call for "business." To take it even further, he blatantly went on dating websites to search for other women to date in front of my face. 

So, as you can read... I have had a lot of disrespect in my life.

If, I ever start to feel that way. I'm going to adjust to the elevated mindset I have through Christ. You shouldn't have to compete with other women for your mans attention. And if you do, then that means it is time to go. You shouldn't have to feel disrespected. You cut out the old. To make room for the new. Sacrifice. 
But, if you ever meet a man who "can't" sacrifice for the good of the whole, then he is selfish and you don't need to be associated with him. 

I made up my mind that I'm not going to be anyone's second best, second choice. I'm not taking anymore beatings for another woman's mistakes either. That's why I always tell people that two halves can't make a whole, a whole lotta mess. Each, person has to be fully committed to seeking God and actively asking God to clean them up daily. So, that when God does send their husband or wife they will not only be able to recognize them as that (by using the gift of discernment) but also treat them with love, kindness and respect.    

I want a happy ending too. To be a wife and mother, without having to compete with his own mind, other women or even his job just for a little of his attention. Balance is importnat.   

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