It was put in my spirit to re-write about this experience in the spirit and not the flesh. The first time I touched on this topic I was writing from a very emotional place. Not an objective one. But after sometime of reflecting and much needed changes I can finally share this part of my testimony....
I'm reflecting on this now, because over the weekend I observed a few things that broke my heart.
1. Why would you mistreat a man that is taking care of you, who loves you, who respects you and who wants to see you do good in life?
It is hard enough as it is, to meet a half way decent man and then when most women finally get one, they rip his heart out and step all over the love of God in him.
That's partly why a lot of the Christian young men don't want to be associated with christian women, in my opinion. Because that woman is not living a holy virtuous life. She is not speaking with kindness, she is not showing unconditional love, yet she claims to be a christian which is suppose to represent Christ. That means she is a hypocrite.
I know, because I found myself in that boat at one point in my life. I said I loved God, but my actions did not reflect it. But it wasn't until I saw my situation rise up in someone else's life that it made me reflect it back into my own....
"When I was a child...."
Reflection:
I knew that he couldn't love me properly. But I thought that I could use the love of God in me to help him not only stop thinking about his ex wife, but also help him to recognize Gods love in me. But the problem with loving a broken man is that no matter how kind you are, sweet, nice, or generous they will always see you as the "bad one" "the enemy." They need someone to take out their frustration and anger on and that's exactly what I was to him....
I was his verbal and emotional punching bag. It hurt so much because I loved him during some of his worst adult moments in life. He had a "divorce" party that he tried to make a happy time, but deep down he was miserable, heart broken... He tried to put on a smile in front of the crowd and act like everything was okay, but I saw right through it all. Matter of fact I saw through all his friends. My gift of discernment (even though I wasn't aware of that's what it was called at the time) was extremely high.
When he was low I faithfully stood by him. Not because I wanted him to give me anything but because I saw the potential for him through Christ to be a king. I wanted to see him back in good spirits. I wished for the old days, when we could just stay up and chat all day about everything and anything. For the days when we would go to church together. When we would talk about the bible all day, take a break and listen to music. Then come back and talk about the bible all over again. I miss the days when we were on the same path and he wanted to become a better man of God, just as I was trying to become a better woman of God.
He started off great, then when things didn't go according to the plan that he had created, he started to decline. He was going to church. He was passionate about preaching Gods word. He had a heart of compassion to help other people. That fire in him, sparked the fire in me. So we switched places. He was angry at the world and I was the one on full fire for God. The phases when we are on the same page, things flow in order, there is a perfect peace that consume us and everyone is in good spirits! Those were the days I lived for.
What I still remember till this day and it will always be imprinted on my heart, even though I have healed from it. Is the day that he cheated on me with a stripper. I was so hurt. I couldn't believe that he (the man that I trusted) would do something like that. We were bonded by the spirit and by the heart but we never officially talked about having a title. It was only the holy spirit that helped me get through that day. I wanted to act out! Scream! Fight! her and him. My heart was in so much pain. Like someone set it on fire. Me walking into that situation was like having acid poured on my heart and all the love, kindness, peace, patience that I worked so hard to build in me started to erode. As soon as the anger sprang up that's when I felt the holy spirit tighten around me. Thank God for the holy spirit, because things would have been a lot worse... a lot worse.
Even as I type about it, tears come to my eyes because the love that I had was so deep. And that is why I can not express enough that any man/woman that you are with make sure that he/she is not only a man/lady that is dedicated to being on fire for God but is also living and walking in the holy life that he/she claims to want and know of.
That is the part that he has been missing. You can know the word of God front and back but if you are not living and walking in Gods word you are no different than the lukewarm Christians that you claim to not like or the hypocrites that you claim that you claim to be disgusted of.
I died that day. My heart was so rooted in a love, the strongest of soul ties, that I have ever felt in my life. That I almost lost my mind. We were unequally yolked. We were on two different faith levels. His was low and mine was high. The entire time I was there, and she (the stripper) was there I stayed in the kitchen and I prayed that God would send her away. And not long after she left.
But when you stand for Christ you have to make sure that you stand for all that CHRIST represents. God is holy. Christ is holy. God is love. Christ is Love. God is truth. Christ is truth. etc
That's where I made my mistake. I the emotions rise.
So, in the end we both fell short of the glory of God in a big way. But I paid for what I did by being heart broken and damn near going insane. He is still paying for his....
I told him that he would suffer for breaking my heart. It didn't happen to him right then, so he assumed that it never would. But I serve an awesome and almighty God and when my heart is broken so is Gods. A lot of people don't believe me, but there is too much proof of it, not to believe that it is true.
I now, am with a man that loves God the way I do, has high faith, lives a holy life and encourages me in my walk with Christ. He isn't selfish, hateful nor mean. He is wise, patient and respectful and appreciative of all the gifts and talents that God has blessed me with. He is honest with me. He goes the extra mile and makes the effort. If something is wrong he doesn't run and hide in his work or behind playing a video game or into drugs. He faces the issue with the power of prayer. He keeps God first in all the things he says, and does. He is a powerful prayer warrior and many respect him just as he is for who he is. A king through Christ. A man of God dedicated to walking in Gods truth, peace and unconditional love. Fighting against mediocrity. And loving and leading Gods people.
That's the type of man worth submitting to...
No comments:
Post a Comment