Many people that I use to passionately dedicate to helping and encouraging have left my life or moved on with theirs. I have learned to never get attached to anyone, because it always hurts (although, I'm happy for them...) when God moves them to another phase in their life.
I noticed that most of the people that really seem to care about me live far away. They don't live anywhere near me. I only have a handful of people that I interact with on a daily basis that I"m close too. Even the little group of "friends" that I had moved on without telling me. That's why I stopped trying to gain so many friends and started to seek and ask God to send me quality friends only. Those one or two people who really go out of their way to call and visit me and check on me those are the quality friendships that I invest time in cultivating and praying about. Because those are the friendships that last....
I don't now why God has me hidden...To do this modeling and singing thing you have to have money in order to make money. That is the number one rule that I missed when I first started all of this when I was a teenager.
I really want to model. I thought I could make money off the modeling, so that I could use it to get real studio time. But North Carolina is just not a fashion state. People don't pay here, like they do in NY or even better overseas. That's where I need to be overseas in the high fashion world.
If I were able to get paid well from the modeling then I could use it to get my singing started. Not to be famous. But to finally get the gift and sound that God blessed me with out there. To make music that heals, soothes, uplifts and cleans out the sickness and poison in the hearts of the people.
But also before any of that can happen you have to meet someone who really believes in your gifts. And well not many people believe in mine...
Then I found...
I'm always in the back or on the side lines or sometimes not even seen at all.
I'm tired of being hidden.
When will God use me to be at the front of the church, front of the ministry, front of the auditions, front of the line for the runway?
When will I be on the top?
When will my season come when I will get to be heard and seen, when people will appreciate the gift that God gave to me? When I model they always stick me in the back. When I sing I never get to sing for long...
Yet, when I do sing people stop whatever they are doing to listen. I have never been told that I couldn't sing. There were times when I was told that I was singing in the wrong key (lol), but even in that they still liked the sound because it was pleasant to their ears.
I'm ready to have a house, with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a nice size kitchen and a driveway.
I'm ready to give back to Gods people.
I'm ready to have a job that pays all my bills and someone else's too.
I'm ready to have a black mustang.
I'm ready to travel.
I'm ready to have a husband.
I'm ready to start my life.
The truth is though... I really don't know what God wants me to do.
I do know that when I sing it has a big impact on people. I also know that I have a face that people remember.
I want to do more than just sit on the sidelines!
I want to get out into the world and share Gods truth. And be a blessing to the lives of others. I want God to use me to give comfort to his people, feed those in need, heal the sick etc
I want to go out into the world and bring life to those who are zombie like and lost. Even though, many people deny it. They need Gods Love. And God placed it inside of me (a lot of it) to share.
God blessed me with beauty, intelligence, the gift to sing yet, no one seems to appreciate it or even notice it...
Yet, right now. I'm hidden. I'm stuck on a shelf waiting for God to move me. They say that God is waiting on me. But, if he is waiting on me, what is he waiting for me to do?