I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of.
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here.
I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...
I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here.
I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture).
But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it.
Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location:
Poetry: The Love of God in You
God gave me long arms
To wrap around your spirit and soul
To absorb the pain of inadequacies
To make you feel whole
God gave me long legs
To run to you
When the enemy attacked
With bullets to pierce. Then land
That I would stand in the gap
And intercede on your behalf
Until you were strong enough to stand
And I did not care. What the world thought.
Nor, what a community would speak on through.
All I wanted was to protect you,
With a spirit
(toughlikeleather) and with a faith (boldlikefire)
The sacrifice, my happiness for your safety; for your sanity
And I would do it again.
To protect the Love of God in you
The Love that you poured into me
Clowns Make Us Laugh, When We don't Want to Face Reality:
The life of a child ended today
So, laugh. Go ahead and laugh.
Its funny right? If you had not known.
You would have laughed anyway.
Because everything is so funny,
As long as you aren't the one suffering.
A village of people were slaughtered today
While you were getting frustrated at a video game
But, go ahead and laugh. Because its FUNNY!
Right? Its not like you knew each persons' name...
Its funny right?
As long as you aren't the one suffering.
A brother in Christ needed you to pray with them
But you told them you would call them back
And never did. So set and hungry for the next thing
You failed to realize how much joy, your call
Would have brought
Running, in mediocrity. Running from reality
Pretending that you don't know. You KNOW!
You know that you have the power to save lives
But, as long as it doesn't affect your life and you have
You laugh. When the child dies.
When the village gets slaughtered
When you never hear from your friend
But it is SO FUNNY
Until you are the one suffering...
Poetry: The Labeled "Home"
Release me, Abba Father,
From this cage. So labeled a "home"
There is no warmth here
The sun, is burdensome
Without the rays to bring it out some more
Heavy and daunting are the memories
That linger, effortlessly
Run. Run. Run. To a place where I am
They limit my gifts. And torture me with
Reminders of the loss and the death of my child like heart
Rejuvenation. Smile. Laugh. Play the part.
Be a sheep, fit in with a big grin and LAUGH!
While I'm screaming, suffering and dying within.
Christians know, parts of the story but don't care
To intercede. Too much "its not my problem"
"When are you going to pay me back?"
Hunger. Thirst. Greed.
And when I saw my reflection in their helplessness
And mediocrity. I made a choice
To rise above. Even if no one else stood with me.
And I was not afraid because I knew, you, God would be there.