I'm so tired of trying to figure out the "why" to the "situation" that I swear I'm about to lose my mind. Why would any man be that cruel to use God as a means to get close to me? Why would he purposely make a promise to help, drag me out of my comfort zone and then abandon me like that? How does that show love?
But after all those whys I had to stop and ask myself these whys...
"Why did I let him get close enough to hurt you?"
"Why did I trust him in the first place?"
"Why didn't I wait and seek more confirmation from the Lord?"
"Why didn't I seek wise counsel multiple times?"
In my self reflection, meditations and prayers these are the new revelations that were revealed:
1. I wanted to be rescued.
I was convinced that God had finally sent a man who was strong and patient enough to stand by my side in life and protect me, all at the same time. When we first started talking he spoke of how much he saw the "light" of God in me. He seemed so excited to get to know me. I was amored with the thought of us creating a long term love story. One that was uniquely our own that I forgot to seek more confirmation from the Lord. I was overjoyed that God had...
2. Sent a man that I could love on
For the longest time I prayed that God would send a man that I could share my child like heart with. A man that wanted go on adventures. A man that wanted to encourage and support me in my singing, modeling and other projects. I watched countless videos of interracial couples (because everyone knows that I'm an interracial love/couple fanatic haha) Vblog about their interracial relationships and I wanted so much to belong to that world. To be one of the interracial couples that made it. It was an adventure kick for me. At first I had that support and adventure. We skyped. We planned. We chatted almost every other day. He wanted so much to be apart of my world and he wanted me so much to be in his.
3. Someone to Protect
I have a very nurturing and protective (motherly) spirit in me. I don't know where it comes from really. I'm not around children much. But as soon as I get around them I transform into a completely different woman. I'm more patient. I'm more gentle. The warrior in me turns from "kick your teeth in" to "cradle you in my arms."
My Mistake:
I made the mistake of letting him get too close to me. I knew that something was wrong when he consistently spoke to his ex wife as if they were still married. And in the back of my head I knew that it wasn't right, but I never thought much about it because when we were first together she was out of the country.
When she finally came back to the states he would talk to her while we were together, and sometimes even sneak into the other room to speak to her. She made plans to visit his parents house. I told him how much it bothered me and he looked me in the eyes one afternoon and told me that I pretty much needed to "get over it."
Then a new revelation was introduced:
Two halves only make a whole lotta mess.
He was clearly, still in love with ex wife and he didn't give a damn about how I felt. I cried to him several times about it. But every time I tried to talk to him about it he would run from the issue. Run from confrontation. Sweep it under the rug. Pretend that I wasn't hurting. I tried to hide my feelings. I tried to keep a smile on my face the whole time there. So no one would know that I was bleeding from the inside out. That my heart was broken.
It still is in some ways.
There was also a point when we were in the car (this is after he had finally made up his mind that he didn't want to be with me anymore) and I asked him, "So, now that we are friends is it okay if I introduce you to new guys that I date?" And his reply was this:
Him, "No..."
Me, "Why not?"
Him, "I'm not about to put you in the arms of another man..."
Conclusion: So, he don't want me, but I couldn't be with anyone else? So he walked around with the "I'll have my cake and eat it too, kinda attitude and that's when I finally accepted the reality: that he lied about loving God and being passionate about God, just so he could get to me.
That he lied about breaking up with me to get closer to God. That the whole damn thing was a lie from the beginning. To drag me all the way out in the "wilderness" away from my family, friends, etc to make me look like a fool.
So, when his parents try to defend him, this is why I get pissed.
How can you say you love the Lord, but then defend injustice?
You know it was wrong. Yet, you stood by and did nothing?
You see, the big kid beating on the smaller child and yet you stand there and watch, laugh about it even and do nothing?
It makes me wonder if tensions would have escalated to physical violence would they have even said anything? That's how I knew that after he broke up with me I was no longer safe. Because I was in his terriority. So I had to play by his rules. Hush, be quiet. Don't talk about it. Pretend that you are not hurt and heart broken. Just go to church and smile and put on a SHOW (he likes to act) and show the world that your life is a perfect and happy all the time.
No. That's not me. When you act. When you give people something to distract them from reality. You lie to them.
Please don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for them as Seasoned Christians. If you want wise counsel seek them. I would give my life to make sure that they are safe. I am so thankful that they stepped up to help me out when he would not. But, I'm upset that they defend him when he clearly needs to stand up and confess that what he did was wrong and make it right on his own.
They didn't want me to TALK ABOUT IT. Everyone wanted me to "sweep" it under the rug. But, that's not me. I was never that type of person to back away from the truth, whether it hurt me or not I needed and wanted to know. I like to constantly learn. Its one sure way you can get closer to God.
He could have broken up with me while I was still in NC, at least it would have been easier to get over. But, everyone thinks that I'm mad that he did me "dirty." No, its more like...
1. I let him get close to me.
2. I didn't see through his bs
3. I introduced him to the people I love the most and
4. That I wasn't strong enough to leave his ass when I first discovered that he was a liar and coward.
I felt that I needed to fight. I kept trying to go live with my cousin in Louisiana. I had all the money. I just need to get on the right bus or train, but I felt wrong for even trying to leave his side during one of his critical life changes. He was going through something. His function of stability was crumbling and instead of saying "see ya wouldn't want to be ya..." I stood in the fire with him. He needed a friend. He needed the love of God in me to shine through. The problem was, it was hard to let love take over when the hurt, pain, disappointment and humiliation were blocking it.
Yet, when it was my turn to stand in the fire, he left me. Never came by once to check on me to see if I needed food, had any winter clothes or anything. When he would see me in church he would look the other way. Pretend that he didn't "see me" when I was standing right in-front of him.
I tried to talk to the other young members of the church about it and they listened some passively some more attentively but none of them had any solid advice to give because they had never been through anything nor seen anything quite like my "situation" before. What I should have done was sought counsel from the elders of the church. Because instead of getting encouragement and support from most of the young adult members of the church, I ended up getting talked about, stabbed in the back, laughed at. My pain became their personal TV reality show. I can't say all of them were insensitive and cruel. There were a handful that actually cared. Even one young woman who literally defended me.
Even today, I thank God for her because she really stepped up. Took me under her wing. I was "beat up" pretty bad, hurt, broken, confused, angry, etc and no matter what she remained the center-point of joy. She kept me laughing. Invited me to hang out. I knew God allowed sent her to save me, because I was on the verge of losing my mind and throwing my entire life away. Giving up on everything, everyone and God. It spirit of depression, suicide was that strong.
What he doesn't realize is that his betrayal, and abandonment didn't just affect me. It also affected the family that I love and introduced him too. But, see if the shoe was on the other foot and I would have did him dirty his parents would want justice to be done too. They would want the Lord to "fix" it. I'm not saying that I was perfect I make the very clear in just about every post that I write. Far from it. But I can say that I didn't give up on him when he needed me the most.
Even now I still pray for him to get closer to the Lord, to have a genuine desire to want to have a relationship with God, to have a bold confidence, trust and faith in God in all that he says and does. God is the only one that can administer mercy, grace and deliver him from the hell that will befall his life for breaking a heart that he was undeserving of to begin with.
But, the best part is that God can clean up anyone for his glory.
Change any heart. And heal any and all wounds.
Glory be to God. Forever and Forever. Amen.
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