But, God has other plans. The majority of time when I meet new faces, they seem stunned that I'm in NC. "You should be in NEW YORK! What are you doing here?"
I kept trying to runaway from this place, not realizing that this is where God needs me to be the most. I thought if I left my gifts, (strength, intelligence, singing...) would be appreciated a lot more. But, I found that to be false.
I wanted to "start over." But, it is hard to start over when
A. You don't have a clear plan with backup options.
B. You don't have the support and encouragement you need.
C. You don't have enough money.
The Virginia lesson left a nasty scar on my heart, only because I put so much hope into the idea that I could really have a better life than the one I had at the time. I wanted more, when I already had what I needed. Also because I put my trust in someone that had no intentions of doing right by me. I was so eager to move forward, so excited to see what was going to happen next, that I left my logic and reason at the door and let my heart lead the way. I won't make that mistake again.
I thought if I moved, that the glamorous life would fall into my lap. That my dreams of being a top supermodel and all over superstar would finally come true!
But, I had to go through a period in the "wilderness" away from everyone that I know and love so that I could appreciate them and also the new blessings that God had in store for me. It wasn't easy standing in the rain to wait for the bus, waiting in the snow, working a job that my personality clearing wasn't cut out for, or even meeting new faces. I felt so alone, out of place and over all awkward.
I look at death differently now. Death is when you feel yourself slipping into hopelessness. When the world around you is laughing, singing song of joy and love and your heart, mind, soul and spirit are burning from the inside out. Your head is throbbing! You're terrified to sleep, but even more terrified to face another day. You're at the bottom of the bottom. The lowest of the low. And all you want to do is disappear.
That is where I was.
I got to that place because I trusted a man who pretended to love and have a passion for God the way I do. The "circle" talked about me, as I knew they would.
"Why do you wear so much makeup?"
"Why do you wear high heels?"
"You should go natural!"
Everything I did was scrutinized and judged. When I finally realized that these were suppose to be the future leaders of the church, representations of the love of God I found myself wondering... Are these the strongest warriors they have? I was in the middle of a situation that none of them had ever seen. How many of them could tell me that they were abandon in the middle of nowhere by someone they thought they could trust but yet somehow through the confusion, tears, sleep nights and pain still found a way to function long enough to hold onto whatever little sanity was left... NONE.