Tuesday, August 11, 2015

From Suicide To Champion: God is Joy, Peace and Hope

There comes a time in your life when you have to stand up for something or you will fall for anything. That statement could never be more true. 

1. I don't go out of my way to bother other people. 

2. I try my best to make sure that before I am take care of, that others have what they need first. 

2. Sometimes people expect too much out of me. They expect me to always be sweet, nice, kind, patient and all the things that they see in fairy-tales. But: I AM HUMAN

I get mad. 
I make mistakes. 
I don't go out of my way to make other peoples lives miserable. 

I don't make it a habit to mess up so bad that I can't fix it or pick up the pieces and move on. 

But most people are not like that. They don't consider that I have feelings, emotions, dreams and goals. Many of my friendships and relationships have always been one sided. As long as I'm giving then they stay, but if I ever stop giving then they leave or find someone else to replace me in their life. 

And quite frankly I'm tired...
Yes, I'm tired of people not being considerate of my life, my wants, my dreams, my goals. 
Everything is always "good and gravy" until Jalysa wants something. As soon as I want something then I'm "spoiled" 
"Hard to please"

Well, you should have never put the idea that you could help me achieve my goals if you didn't think you could really fulfill your promise or keep your word...

"I thought!"
"I thought!" 
Well, I thought too and I thought you were a real friend. I thought you were someone that I could trust
I thought you actually believed in what you preached so adamantly about.....


I don't take what is not offered. If, I don't have enough to give to everyone then I won't give at all.I try my best, to work with what I have. I try my best to help other people. But, it doesn't matter. How good I am. How sweet I am. How peaceful. How amazing. How beautiful their will always be someone ready and waiting to complain about me. 

So, you can have a bad day, but I can't!
(You have bad days all the time..........................................................)

Well... guess what, you go through an array of emotions too but the only time I hold those emotions against you is when they start to negatively affect my progress. It took me YEARS to finally be OK. 

I spent half of those years CRYING, being upset and trying to process my mothers death. 
You will never know what SUFFERING is like until you see someone you love, SUFFERING, while you standby helplessly. 

Then, when I was finally OK. 

I experienced: The worst cruelty from a so called Christian that you could ever think of. How do you look someone in the eyes and say that you care about them, then when things get rough just walk away?

How do you introduce someone to your family, friends and your world then when things don't go your way, abandon them in your town (knowing that you don't know a single soul other than them and their family, knowing that you're family can't come get you, knowing that you don't have any money to your name etc) when they need you the most? 

NO ONE CARED that I was suffering. 

I knew very well that it was my choice to go to VA. But, back then I was very naive and I was very optimistic about SPREADING THE GOSPELS. I thought, believed that this christian family would truly help me. They knew that I wanted to work, so I could save money to send back to my family. That was my whole goal. But instead I ended up using the money meant for my family to barely "get by." 

The Christian family I was staying with essentially told me that I was "wearing out my welcome." I already had a job lined up. The only thing I needed to do was wait until the school opened up in (September). I was there a whole month early, because THEY said it would be OK. They WANTED ME THERE. They were so excited to meet me. 

But, here is the thing... in their eyes I'm a black girl that loves God and loves my grandmother. That's all they know. So, if anything were to happen, they would automatically look at me and assume that I did it because they DO NOT KNOW ME. And that was the problem I had for my remainder of my time there. 

I tried to tell my story. 
I tried to get help.
I tried to talk about what was going on. 

But, everyone kept saying "It was your choice."
And it was, but they (the person who abandon me) could have chose to do anything except be an ASSHOLE about the situation. 

I did not expect to stay in a strange land, all by myself for almost 8 months to a year. 
No family. No friends. No money. 

Just me. Just GOD. 

I'm surprised that I didn't do the unthinkable, to be honest. 

I was so hurt.
I was so broken.
I was so tried. 
I was so confused.

And the more I tried to figure it out. The more cruel they became. I am thankful that GOD did not give up on me, when everyone else did. My god family, the people I thought I could trust. The people who I loved, cherished and cared for deeply, knew that I was in trouble, hurting and needed help...

But, they left me there to suffer alone...
They read me scripture verses and told me that it was my fault for getting myself into that situation. They told me that I needed to take full responsibility for the trouble I got myself in.

They were right. But that's not something you say to someone who is extremely heart broken, hurt and losing hope by the seconds. That is not something you say to someone who wants to end their life. I called everyone I could from NC to come and get me and NO one could do it. I heard every excuse you could think of: 

"Oh, I'm busy!"
"I'll see what I can do" (never got back to me)
"You got yourself there, so get yourself home...)

I could have ended my life right after that.
I had so many opportunities to do it.
But, instead of being destructive to myself. Instead of killing myself:






I chose to rise above my pain. I embraced the community. 
I went to church every Sunday. I went to bible study every Wednesday. I made new friends. I sang in the choir. I prayed every night not just for myself, but for others too (even though I was still hurt). 
I took my pain and used it for GOOD. 
I took my pain and turned it into PASSION and PRAISE for GOD.
I took my pain and used it to help others. 

But, no one remembers those times. They only remember what I did not do. What I did not say or how I did not act. And well, that is their choice too. Free Will. We all have it. I choose to better my life with or without anyone's help.

If God can sustain me and preserve me for his glory at one of the WORST MOMENTS in my life. Then he can do it again and that much more. 

I never want to need anyone. 
I never want to be so dependent on another person that they become my joy and happiness. 


People, fail us all the time. We fail each other all the time. 
But, there was never a time when I called on God and he did not come to my rescue. He is the only one that can fix and or heal this tragedy that we call: Life.  

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